Give and Take

I began this blog almost as soon as I arrived in Montenegro. But it has progressed to more and more and I have struggled to put into words what I really want it to say. But given the recent state of the world I feel like it is one that needs to be shared.

Once upon a time I was afraid to love. I was afraid to figure out what love was supposed to be. I had tried and failed. I moved abroad gained some self-confidence, and for the first time in a long time I was happy, and content with my life and who I was becoming.

So when I finally regained my footing and started thinking about letting myself take a jump into all the unknowns of love I sought the advice of my mother, which was, at the time, a rare occasion.  She gave me the following advice about love and relationships:

“Serious and not so serious, you are learning from life experiences. You are always becoming a new person. I still am, and when someone loves you they allow that. Loving is not about you, it is really about the other person, and giving the best of you to them to make them a better person and vice a versa. Someone falls in love with giving themselves to you and letting you do the same in return. Sometimes it’s amazing and sometimes it’s really hard.”

I saved this quote because it is some of the best advice I’ve ever been given.

After ending up single again last April I was surprised at how much happier I was. How relieved I was to be giving to myself again, and finding the true parts of myself.

Being home was a big clusterfuck of emotions. I expected the heartbrokenness to finally hit me, and in some ways it did.  I thought I’d be ready to leave again after a few short weeks to start a new chapter of my life. But…there were unexpected twists. There was confusion, and talks about my future in America. There were new and old friends, reminders of who I truly am, and I regained the belief that I deserved more than what Jakarta was giving me. I deserved to wake up every morning with a desire to live, work, eat, move, and breathe.  I felt like I could just make my new start then and there, and be happy. No need to live out this adventurous life anymore.

When I hugged my niece goodbye she sobbed and sobbed into my shoulder and I thought to myself “I cannot do this anymore.” My love was taking and not giving. Later I hugged my mom and dad goodbye and wondered how they could be so steadily supportive of every step of my life, regardless of it was a good or bad decision. Their love for me was consistently giving more than my love for them was.

Later that week I had an epiphany as we were making our way to the 331 club for our third night in a row.  Daryn was driving and I saw that beautiful skyline from 35W and thought to myself how honest and true my mom's advice from 2 years prior had been. So many people have loved and supported me in this journey to become who I am. So many have given and given themselves.  Was I taking too much and giving nothing in return? And then I realized that love gives and gives, but there is no love in the world that gives but doesn't take something in return.

The moon takes darkness to give light. A sunset gives beauty to take away another day in passing. A tree takes nutrients from the ground to grow tall and strong. Dancing takes energy to give smiles. A candle uses oxygen to create a marvelous flame.

Love is certainly about giving yourself to another person, and it is about sacrificing to make it work. But love also takes.

When tragedies happen in the world it always makes me reflect on my life. It becomes impossible to not think that this could very well be my last day of breathing. I wonder if I’m living the way I should be. What is the most important thing in life? Should I be living closer to family and friends? Or should I be so bold as to grab my pack take the 2 grand I have to my name and hit the road and travel the way I desire?

I fear I am taking too much and giving nothing in return.

So to those of you who continue and continue to give your love to me, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate constantly feeling supported from thousands of miles away. And you all deserve to know that there is not a day that goes by that I don't wish I could just be in two places at once. I can give you nothing but my heart, which is always there, and a promise to not take too many more selfish years before I come home permanently. Just you know... one more one more.