Musings from Estonia

Day 9 (10/7/16) Tartu-
I feel like I'm a way different person than I was at Christmas when I traveled alone. Maybe I'm not as excited? Maybe there is too much to look forward to? Maybe I planned too much "chill" time? Who knows what has changed, but it just feels damn different.

Day 10 (11/7/16) Tartu-
I feel as if timing on this trip is not working out in my favour at all. I feel slightly ill, and I just want to be home and in my bed.
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I can't believe that I am 1/4 done with this trip. I feel like I have done so little, but grown so much. I haven't jam packed it full. I've allowed room to breathe and just be. I'm not sure whether I like it this way or not.
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When you are having trouble planning a portion of your trip and keep hitting dead ends...then, magically, it all works out exactly how it should and you get crazy happy and have to do a little dance in the middle of your hostel :)

Day 11(12/7/16) Tartu to Sareemaa-
I think I have earned the right to brag. Maybe I'm narcissistic, but I am living the ABSOLUTE coolest life. This road. This journey. It's mine for the keeping. I haven't changed, really. I've just evolved. Left behind some bad parts of me and gained some certainties about who I am.

Day 12(13/7/16) Sareemaa-
I makes me really sad to know that so many people/cultures have been suppressed in this world. It is so sad that people cannot just be what and who they want to be knowing they are accepted, loved, and safe.

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Its seems all the places I'm never quite ready to leave are the ones you can just wander and not talk to a single soul. That being said, I have been incredibly exhausted this trip. Am I getting too old for this?
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Someday humans are going to evolve into 2 species. Those who settle down and have children early on, and those who wander until they are in their mid-30s.... or late 40's. Really still hoping I can have it all.
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I love touching the ocean, because it travels everywhere.

Day 13 (14/7/16) Sareemaa to Tallinn
Today is one of those travel days that I love, full of a little bit of everything. I woke up at 5am to catch a 4 hour bus. Made it to Tallin, wandered the city and dropped my bag off at the hostel. Had a cup of coffee while people watching, and grabbed some quick to-go lunch. Then I joined a free walking tour and got ridiculed by one guy for only knowing English, at which point I blew him away with my knowledge about the history of the Baltics. I checked into my hostel, booked a tour for the following day, and left to visit another historic site. Considered catching the bus and then opted to walk an hour instead. Explored an amazing place and took the scenic route home along the seaside and stopped to reflect on life. Now I'm on my way to pick up some groceries and cook up some veggies for dinner, all before watching a concert at my hostel, where I will likely meet some new friends and drink some beers. Perfection!

Day 14 (15/7/16) Tallinn
It is always hard when important events are happening back home. I need a distraction.

Day 15 (16/7/16) Tallinn
Everything is beautiful. You just have to look at it with the correct set of eyes.

Day 16 (17/7/16) Tallinn
Once in a lifetime opportunities cannot be passed up.
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Just like that the fairytale is over. It is becoming easier to let go each time one ends. Soon I won't even notice.
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The Baltics was not what I expected. I'm not saying that in a good or in a bad way. It just wasn't what I thought it'd be. This is why I should travel with no expectations. The things I thought would be amazing leave me feeling empty and the things I thought nothing of surprise me and take my breath away.
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In this moment watching the sunset at 12:15am with a random stranger whose name I don't even know, I am content. This is what life is about.

4 years later...

Tomorrow marks the start of my 5th year living and teaching abroad. My what a journey it has been....

From the 23 year old who didn't know how to check herself in at the airport or whether there would be anyone/ anything waiting for me on the other side of my flight, to the 27 year old solo traveling and driving around the mountains of Montenegro.

It has been a true pleasure to have my parents visit me in a place that I can so easily consider home in my head, and feel home in my soul. While I have been consistently messaging and skyping with my friends about this difficult transition from travel to real life and work I cant help but notice that my mindset is not about how much I miss home, or all the things I hate, but merely about the transitioning of my life goals and noticing that while I love it here, Tivat can't offer me the ability to pursue ALL my dreams at once.

Tivat, has been a key in my transition from thinking I knew what I wanted out of life, to knowing that I don't know what I want out of life, and that I will never be done with the journey to discover the answers.

One of my favourite parts of my 6 week trip was the moment in our apartment in Zagreb when the words "IF you come home..." came out of my mother's mouth. Not because I'm not coming home, but because it showed me that she gets it. She sees the happiness and contentedness within me.

Last thanksgiving I informed my family that I would be returning permanently home by Thanksgiving of 2019. My how the tables have turned in 6 short months. I'm not saying that I won't be home by Thanksgiving 2019. Instead I am choosing to trust the journey. Since moving to Tivat I have made countless plans for my future, and I can happily state that I can count the number of ones that worked out on one hand.

As I worked on my presentation for parent night at work today, I thought about what I have managed to do in these 4 years of teaching and traveling abroad. The initial idea that came to mind was to describe myself as a risk taker, but I don't think that term embodies what I am trying to accomplish.

I am a Fear- Breaker. This is what this 4 years has been about and what the rest of my life will be about. I have anxiety.  Rather than being diagnosed and put on medication, I am learning to deal with it in on my own terms. From the simplicity of forcing myself to look down just 10 seconds longer while standing on a mountain cliff, to driving a car for the first time in 4 years while swerving through mountain ranges in a foreign country with crazy ass drivers. From the initial "hello" to a complete stranger, to imagining myself spending the rest of my life as a single spinster.

Here's to the next year, or 20...of finding all these fears and breaking them until I am truly everything that I want to be and more.

Musings from Latvia

Day 6 (7/7/16)- Riga
6 weeks of travel is far different than 3. I can't prepare for it all. I need to buy some warmer clothes, carry them for 2 weeks, and then drop them.
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All these random people with all these experiences. The beauty of it makes me want to cry. How did I get lucky enough to live THIS life?

Day 7 (8/7/16)- Kemeri National Park
I am so incredibly exhausted. I missed my train to the national park (because I chose to drink instead of doing research.) It would have been really easy to check the schedule one of the countless times I used the train station toilet last night.
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I need nature and exercise as much as most people need food.

Day 8 (9/7/16)- Sigulda 
I am feeling rejuvenated after my day outdoors and my incredible 8 hours of sleep. Ready to go again!
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I am sitting on this train eyes closed feeling the heat of the sun and the coolness of the breeze as I pass little cities. It's one of those "I'm where I belong" moments.

I hope that when I get to the end of my life I can honestly have no regrets. I hope I can say I took changes, fought for what I believed in and became who I was meant to be. (Listening to Emmylou Harris songs in the basement of a bar in Riga.)

Musings from Lithuania (and Belgrade)

Day 1- Belgrade (2/7/16)
I am still trying to decide if I am a big city girl who loves the country or a country girl who loves the big city. There is something about the energy I get from each one.

Day 2- Belgrade to Vilnius (3/7/16)
The city noise is too much. I can't sleep.
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Between getting up early, dealing with potential scams, delayed and cancelled flights, rainy/cold weather, and my pack being the absolute last on the belt causing me to almost miss my bus, I've had it It was one of those days. And then you arrive at your destination, look around and think about how much worse it could be. I didn't lose my passport, nothing was stolen from me. Life is alright. it was just one of THOSE days. And as I listen to the men play Spanish guitar in the airport or see the square of the city center I know it is true. I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. The rain seems to be the perfect setting for this part of Europe. I'll take it. I'll take it all.

Day 3- Vilnius (4/7/16)
I have grown more in the last 3 days of this trip than in the whole time of others. Tonight I sat and worried. At the same point I noticed my anxiety hasn't been as anxious as normal.
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Throughout the entire Damien Rice show I felt like I was re-living brief memories of grief and anger. I wouldn't say it was painful. It was more a reminder of how far I have come since all the past heartache. Then he played Amie and the words "just another soldier on the road to nowhere" emanated into the depths of my bones. It hit me that I was in Lithuania seeing one of my favourite artist. What is life?
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After realising I was absolutely missing the bus I decided to save it for a later problem. Post concert in a maze of people, speaking Lithuanian I grew confused and I was surprised at my ability to play it cool and ask a random stranger to help. On the taxi drive back to the city he told me he thought I was brave and he shared his travel dreams. I told him he should do it, and that courage is built only by taking little steps forward. I wish and hope he makes his dream come true.

Day 4- Vilnius (5/7/16)
I love meeting random strangers, I do. But sometimes I just wish I could be traveling with people I knew and could trust 100%.
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I am not 20 and can not longer play circle of death like I am.

Day 5- Vilnius (6/7/16)
Headache and a day in bed. No more drinking.
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The start of the Baltic line. One of the reasons I am so fascinated with this part of the world. Ready for the next country :)
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What people sometimes fail to tell you is that travel is absolutely exhausting and there are some days when you just want to rest in your bed. And what I fail to realize is that it is absolutely okay to do that.