Musings from Bratislava

Day 19 (6/1/16) -To Bratislava
It is hilarious that even as I am traveling I am envious of photos of my other friends who are traveling. How selfish can I be?

Day 20 (7/1/16)- Bratislava
Crazy that so many people want what i have. And sometimes i want what they have. We all make sacrifices in our lives. I am sacrificing the security of a solid home, with a relationship and future family to do solo traveling life for awhile. For the first time i am realizing this does not mean I don't want that life. Just that I am not meant to be that person YET. Give me 5 years. Chances are I'll change who I am as a person and what I want again...

Day 21 (8/1/16)
Today I am angry at traveling. People keep stealing my food. I'm tired of calculating my money to a tee. Thanks budgeting! You have added another stress to travel. Sometimes I wonder if I should have just stayed in Indonesia for another year, gotten rid of a massive amount of loans while sitting and delving further into my depression. Nah...I think I'll take the budgeting.

Musings from Vienna

Day 15-2/1/16 (Transfer to Vienna)
It was a long day of buses. But I love the feeling of getting off a bus or train somewhere and not knowing where you are going what you are doing. Outlaw Maps.

Equally exhilarating is staring at a map trying to plan out how far you can get with x number of days and y amount of money.

Day 16- 3/1/16 ( Exploring Vienna/ Philharmonic)
Panic attack 2 was not as kind as number 1. I actually was laying on the bathroom floor, confident I was dying, trying to breath my way through the fact that my body was so overloaded that it shut down my ability to hear for 5 minutes. Scary moments.
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Alright Vienna....I give in. You aren't as terrible as I thought. People really can find things to enjoy here. Its just the freezing cold, gloomy weather that is making me want to sit and sip coffee all day long. I can do that in a week. At least, you know...in the evenings. I press on!

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Talked to a fellow traveler about my panic attack. Apparently it's not uncommon. I'm alright. Also I'm beginning to really be able to notice the differences in traveling solo in Asia and in Europe. Asia seems more accepting of backpackers and tourists. Not that Europeans are unkind. I just consistently feel like I'm being judged for not speaking the language. Did I mention I'm only here for a week? And is it me, or are European travelers more stuck up? I really haven't made friends with anyone from Europe yet. Everyone I have met has been American, Canadian, Brazilian, Asian, or Australian. I'm finding it very interesting.....

Day 17- 4/1/16 (More Vienna explorations/ Ballet)
Oh my cold! It has been a long time since I have felt numb due to cold, but this morning I did. As I wandered the famous, beautiful palace gardens, I thought "nope...this is not worth it. Time to go back to my book and tea." No more northern winter trips.

Day 18- 5/1/16 (Outdoor Vienna explorations)
Once you travel for a fair bit of time in a fair number of places, you can tell almost instantly if a city is meant for you or not. Prague felt like instant love. I'm not sure if it was the beer, the general welcoming of the people, or the fact that I was just able to walk around with ease and reflect on the beauty. Vienna felt cold. Mostly because it was. Even though there were plenty of opportunities for cheap culture I just felt unwelcome. People were generally kind enough, but overall the city felt egotistical to me. Easy enough to maneuver around, but without a heart.
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Today as I arrived at the central park without getting one bit lost I felt totally accomplished. This travel thing ain't so bad sometimes. Vienna did alright for itself. I had to remind myself not to get too cocky. New city, new challenges tomorrow.

Day 22(9/1/16)
Last day of travels. I'm almost in tears as I complete my Tom Robbins book. So much insight in it. I cannot contain my disappointment that I never read it before, and that now, I won't have as much time to read for fun as I go back to school/work on Monday. Agh!
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I return...poorer in the bank, richer in experience. Weaker in the heart, stronger in the mind. I am so ready to be home, and yet, I contemplated hopping a random train or plane to another location. The journey is not yet over. I still have all my pictures to edit, blogs to write, and highlighted notes in my book to mull over in the silence of my home, with some wine and dinner. Which will consist of all vegetable please!
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I was feeling that ever knowing wrenching depressing post holiday blues. But as I saw the ocean I felt a sufficient amount of relief. A small reminder of why I am doing this.

Musings from Cesky Krumlov

Day 11- 28/12/15 (Cesky Krumlov)

No profound thoughts today. Just glad I travel the way I do. So many people are dashing in and out of this city in 1 night. I get to relax and explore the surrounding area.

Day 12- 29/12/15 (Complete confusion)

So I woke up  with a plan to hike. The weather was crappy so I sat for hours trying to decide what I wanted to do instead. I kept sitting there thinking of all the other ways I could have planned my trip to fit in more activities or cities. The problem is, that in a day and age when I meet all these all travelers, and see what they are doing, I want so badly to do it too. I feel so overwhelmed with the constant need to see, and do, and experience it all. So much so, that I can't even say that I have actually traveled any one county completely.

I sat for the whole morning and criticized myself for planning the trip wrong. I could have fit in another city if I had done it backwards, or maybe spent another day in Prague to take another day trip. I want so much to do and see it all in travel, that sometimes I actually freeze and am unable to do anything.

I became so frustrated with my indecision, that I just locked up all my crap except for my camera and journal and took a random walk.  And in this walk, I learned something about myself. I am not as flexible as I think I am. Not in day to day and certainly not in my life. And I think it is my greatest fault that I cannot change. I plan, and I plan, and the plans never work.

Eventually I ended up at the castle gardens, sat down on a bench, and I sobbed. And It felt damn good.

Maybe I cried out of frustration. Maybe out of homesickness. Or maybe my body functions were just out of wack from traveling for a week in half, eating crappily, and not sticking to any sort of routine. Then I thought...

THIS. This is why I planned the trip like this. I wanted time to sit and reflect on my experiences and my life. Maybe I actually do know myself after all. Maybe it is okay to have a day to relax and read and do nothing. Maybe it's already to sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee without having to engage in an experience other than the simplicity of time with yourself.

Also... I should point out how crazy it is that I had this thought in southern Czech Republic, in the gardens of a castle, in a city whose name means "Meanders." Just sitting there wondering if I should hop a train to this city or that. What is life?!?!

Day 12- 30/12/15 (Ceske Budejovice)
I will always have some desire inside me to be wrapped up in some mans arms. And sometimes I wonder if this is a feeling that has been engraved in me since birth? Or, if it is simply the fact that I'm a woman, that has led me to this disposition. I am free and independent and content to be so, but at the end of the day we all desire companionship in some various form. I crave the comfort, but the complication is too much to desire.
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I'm sick. I should have bought juice, but for 50 cents I can get half a liter of beer, and juice is double that!
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My new favorite smell: Malt at breweries. Yum! I just did the true Czech think and had unfiltered unpasteurized beer for medicinal purposes.

Day 13- 31/12/15 (Hiking/Relax)
It is amazing how when you are on the road simple things can help so much. Like washing your hair, shaving your legs, or cutting your nails. I feel human again...

Day 14-1/1/16
Let's sleep all day long. After spending the early morning hours rocking out to some classic rock, sung in Czech swigging back beers with people who didn't speak a lick of English.

Musings from Brono

Day 1 (18/12/15) Tivat to Podgorica
The bus to Podgorica and spending the night was a pain in the arse. Hurray for budget travel! More to spend on beer! I forced myself out of the hostel after I discovered there may be good beer nearby, and much to my pleasure it was only a 3 minute walk away. I met the people who own the little place known as Majstor Za Pivo, which serves delicious beer on tap, and has several kinds in bottles as well. We had a few pale ales together, and laughed as we tried to figure out the English words for pickles, fermentation,  and the name of various fruits and nuts that grow on their farm. They taught me the slang of how to ask for one more beer in Montenegrin (which I've already forgotten.) When I left I promised to returned and buy a few six packs.

Day 2 (19/12/15) flight to Vienna and Brono

The introvert in me is screaming! I want so badly to spend the next three weeks in my head locked around my independent thoughts and feelings. No desire to introduce myself to anyone. I am a lone wolf. 

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It seems strange how memories can come flooding back to you for the most silly reasons. Today I saw and old school cigarette vending machine and remembered seeing them in Spain with Daryn. The dreary wether and wandering these streets reminds me of being lost in Ghent. 

     

                 

Day 3 (20/12/15) wandering Brono/ brewery/ Christmas markets

Most of the breweries I wanted to visit are sadly closed on Sunday's. So I went to the castle for a nice long walk. 

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I'm reading a book where a girl dies. It is a mystery as to whether or not she took her own life, and if so why. I have decided, mostly, that I want to be transparent to someone. I want them to know me well enough to understand my deepest darkest thoughts. If that isn't selfish enough....I want to know theirs. 

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If....(Insert portions of thought I cannot share) what would my decision about (insert more thoughts) be? And I know in an instant. But if we all were to live our lives simply for ourselves would any of us be truly happy? What would that life be like? Life is meant for giving yourself away to others.  Too much confusion for such a little brain.          

                         

Musings from Prague

Day 4- 21/12/15 (First Evening in Prague)
I had a serious panic attack on the Charles Bridge tonight. Like thought I was going to pass out in the middle of the crowd and be trampled on. I have no idea what caused it. The funny part is that it happened right after I had a huge surge of relief at finding my way back. I stopped at a McDonalds for a chocolate shake as a comfort. I'm a horrible person.

Day 5- 22/12/15 (Prague tour)
I am an introvert. Still haven't actually talked to anyone since arriving.

Day 6- 23/12/15 (Pilzen)
Its sort of incredible when you set off, having no clue what you are doing and realize how strong you have become. No matter what the fuck goes down today I will figure it out and all will be okay in the end. Also....have I mentioned recently how much I love trains? and music on trains? and Tom Robbins?
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I love meeting complete strangers, spending some time with them, and then ultimately spilling all your deepest darkest secrets to them.

Day 7- 24/12/15 (Christmas Eve)
Chilling: Hearing Silent Night sung in a cathedral in Prague,  in Czech. Some things just feel sacred. The experiences I get to have are incredible!

Day 8- 25/12/15 (Friendsmas)
Friendsmas, as we have decided to call it was a huge success. So happy for the amazing people I was able to meet here. I don't want to say goodbye :(

Day 9- 26/12/15 ( Last full day in Prague)
Traveling on a budget is both restraining and humbling. Today I will buy a vegetable. Or maybe tomorrow. Bread, bread, cheese, beer, bread and more beer.

Day 10- 27/12/15 (Leaving Prague)
I woke up at 7:50 and saw the sun glowing orange in my window. I hopped out of bed, put on some clothes and was out the door by 8:02. I sped-walked my way to the bridge to enjoy the emptiness and this city one last time. As I walked home I past the restaurant where we had sat drinking 1 euro and 10 cent beers the previous night discussing how, while we probably won't ever see each other again, this company has meant so much. A man walked out of a nearby restaurant and began his duties of setting up tables. He sipped a pint of beer while he began his morning work. Yep. I'm going to have to look into international schools in Prague.