Untitled #3

10/1/16
I wish any human being could truly see me in this state. Perpetual happiness and sadness in one. Crying tears through smiles as I strum my guitar wondering if life could get any better.

11/1/16
Getting back into real life is always complicated. A lot of twisting and turning. Sometimes I feel like my emotions are being wrung out like a wet towel that is being rained on. They just seem to be incomprehensible, and pointless, and yet of dire importance.

14/1/16
I am struggling. Trying to plan this next vacation and I'm freaking and wondering if for the first time diving into that fear is not going to end well or be the best choice for my nerves. I hate being a girl. Also I'm having irrational fear of doctors again....

19/1/16
I'm struggling to get back into real life. And by that I mean that I seem to be watching countless hours of TV. No way Tiara. Get your ass out of bed, pick up a book, or your guitar. Write with purpose and find the meaning of life. Go for a walk. Learn something. Experience.

31/1/16
Sometimes I miss the way things were, but you can never go back. Every portion of life is constantly moving and changing. Just gotta roll with the transitions and appreciate how things have turned out.

8/2/16
I sort of can't wait for the next Superbowl at home. The Pack weren't even in it this year, but this feels American, and something about that makes me miss home.

21/2/16
It was one of those all too good days when you just don't understand why you'd ever want to return to America. Day drinking is dangerous....

23/2/16
This smile and joy, on a what should be a terrible gloomy no good very bad day, means that I should get out. Seriously Tiara. Get out. Now. Ah....Fuck it all.

27/2/16
Turmoil, doubt, and confusion. Not about life. Life is good. Happiness abounds and I can't seems to find any shred of sadness in me. But what I really don't need is a reason to potentially dive into complete oblivion. Because we all know how that would end. With a crushing pain.

28/2/16
I love living in a foreign country for the following reasons. 1) you have to flirt using only your eyes and smile. 2) eventually a local band will play a song in the local language and you will somehow understand the entire point of the song. "ne znam" I don't know. I also had one of those "Wow" moments tonight. In Albania I remember sitting outside and hearing the call to prayer one evening while sipping a beer and smoking a cigar, gazing a bird documentary outside in the main street. Tonight I walked along the bay after dinner and a movie with friends, followed by a concert at our favourite pub. One single church bell rang to sound that it was 1am. I looked up at the cloudy sky and had to just take a moment to sit at the park bench and ponder at how incredible life is.

10/3/16
This version of homesickness is confusing the hell out of me. I cannot put my finger on what I actually want. I just imagined myself walking down the aisle of the grocery store in Marshfield and I actually WANTED to be there. I mean...for a split second. Then I was done with it. But what the hell kind of emotional dilemma is my body trying to put me through? Also...a shamrock shake. I'm dying for a shamrock shake. And fleet farm licorice. Come to think of it. Just give me all the damn food. Cheese curds, brats, smoked gouda, mac n'cheese....alright. I'm seeing a pattern. Does Turkey have good cheese? And.....biscuits and gravy. I'm gonna gain like 10 pounds when I get back from this trip.

12/3/16
I had a kind of amazing thought yesterday morning. If a person gives their love away freely and without any expectations in return, then they can't get hurt. So this is how I'm going to try to love from now on. Expecting nothing in return.

16/3/16
It has been a loooooooong week. But I got home tonight and was offered homemade grappa from my landlord and graciously received 3 different shots as I sat in the sunshine of his balcony catching up on life and talking about the culture of the Balkans. He promised to drop off additional flavors and some domestic red wine, and to pump up my bike tires for me. As I left, he ensured me the nice weather was here to stay. I came downstairs and completed half my workout (remember those shots) and then proceeded to email my director about taking a personal hour (instead of day) to head to Ljubljana on our upcoming long weekend. As I prepared my dinner and thought about my impending to-do list before the sooner trip, this song came on. It seems to me that songs that are supposed to be about falling in love with a woman or boy are typically actually about falling in love with cities I've never been to. Turkey I've been thinking about you...and some other things too.

Closed Hand Full of Friends

Turn on the song I fell in love with today and then read on:

For awhile I expected it. I waited patiently for that moment to come and grasp my heart and pull me slowly under until I couldn't breathe anymore. I waited when I first arrived. I waited after returning from my first trip. I waited until Christmas. Nothing swallowed me whole. A few tears here and there, and then smiles and happiness.

I arrived home from Christmas and was sure this was going to be the end. Never had I ever gone so long without experiencing the longing, the desire, and the mess of confusion in my head.

Today it happened, finally.

Nothing special about this day in particular, but as I dealt with small scoops of  problems,  topped by teeny tasks,  the final cherry of hormones was dropped on top of this ice cream sundae of a day, and I reached a breaking point.

Emotions have descriptions. They have sentences attached to them. When someone asks what is wrong you can explain what you are feeling, and your face shows it.

This emotion doesn't have a single synonym. Nor an antonym that fits appropriately. So when I start feeling it, and can't really explain it, I do exactly what you aren't supposed to. I hide inside it. I don't talk about it, or fight it. I delve into it until I reach my breaking point.

And today I needed to, and I did, break. After sobbing for about 2 hours in between intervals of burpees, push up jacks, power squats and high jumps, I finally managed to stop the tears and thoughtfully reflect on the uncertainty of this emotion.

Homesickness. It is never the same, it is never what I expect, but I certainly should know how to deal with it by now. So I pause to write in my notebook:

"I am sitting on my bedroom floor mid workout sobbing for no reason. I cannot put a explanation to this emotion and it is scary. To top it off I just ran out of tissues and it's pouring rain outside. I will NOT be this girl. Not again. Pull yourself together. For the first time of life in Montenegro I just need something more than it is offering me. I feel friendless in a world full of friends. I want to tell someone what I'm actually feeling, but I can't admit it because I'm too scared shitless of ending up back where I was. I am freaking out because I know I can never be the perfect woman I want to be. I wear a constant reminder that I am perfectly imperfect. So why do those imperfections hurt so much? Why can't I just be happy with and embrace them?"

After I write, I sit and focus on my breathing and calm myself.  I turned off my screen, and sat down with my lonely planet book to research my upcoming trip. I pumped the happy tunes and thought about my gratitude for moments like this.  I was feeling a little to comfortable and convinced I would never want to leave.