This week has been insanely stressful(This is a Wednesday, by the way...) Between all the additional work at work, the general "getting back into life" as far as cleaning and cooking and taking care of myself goes, and then the cherry on top: the emotional trauma? (confusion? mess? certainty? agh!!!) I have chose to put myself through. Tomorrow I swear to god....I will go to the beach and watch the sunset and do NOTHING while I am there other than reflect on my life.
10/4/16
All I'm asking is to feel this happiness for the rest of my life. I know I will always have easy and hard days, but my heart feels like its been beating in a different way recently. I woke up with a migraine this morning, but instead of laying in bed like I wanted to do I jumped out and seized the day for all it was worth. Forced a workout, some coffee and water, and the migraine passed. The morning had me appreciating simple things, such as the buds on the lime tree, my first sip of coffee, my ability to turn on my tunes and dance while I clean, sending singing snapchats to good friends, noticing the wild mushrooms in the garden. This is all there is. This life we've been given. So now I sit back on my balcony with my second cup of coffee to look at planning my next long weekend trip, or to edit photos, or to blog. Life is so great :)
15/4/16
There is something I love about these undeniable feelings I am having about the certainty of the future. The jokes have become to realistic for me to humor myself with. I have tried to being angry at myself/ the world for putting me this far away from what I want (yet again) but I'm so ineffably happy that I can't be mad.
19/4/16
As I sat on the dock tonight listening to my music thinking about future trips I want to take, etc, I began to feel insanely trapped and incredibly angry at myself for getting in this situation yet again. So I set the phone down for awhile and just listened to the earth around me. I had forgotten what the point of these sunsets was. I can’t be angry at myself for feeling things that are sometimes too big to handle, because that is life, and I am so lucky to have things in this world that make me want to be better. Things that make me not want to stand still. Things that make me constantly ponder about and appreciate where and who I am.
Have I been here before? This is familiar, and yet so much different than anything I have ever experienced and what I thought it would be. Now nothing else will do....
24/4/16
Today I am feeling sad and lonely. Although I've had many opportunities to get out of the house and meet up with people ect, I just don't want to. I want to be inside with my music and my computer, and a few beers. I don't know what is going on with me, but I don't like it one bit.
4/5/16
I refuse to recognize this feeling even though it is staring me straight in the face. I am stagnant.
5/5/16
Vitamin D deficiency. All is well that ends well. Took the iPod and left the world behind for a bit.
10/5/16
Things I have managed to do tonight: Freak out about finance, freak out about my future, and subdue myself without alcohol. Being a grownup success!
18/5/16
And just like that my summer travels are booked. I am so excited to do 6 weeks of semi-planning, semi- go-with-the-flow travel. Cannot wait to see what the world has in store for me!
20/5/16
Sometimes I get very worried about all these long distance relationships I'm juggling. I worry I'm not doing my part to maintain them. I'm missing Skype dates, and important life events. I fear that by the time I get home I will have nothing left to ground me. Nothing left to keep me there, in one solid place. Home seems further and further away everyday. The concept of "home" has become massively confusing.
16/6/16
I am so tired of trying to hide my flaws from the world, off
attempting to meet the expectations of others. I will be proud of my scars,
proud of my worn out clothes, and happy about my beer belly. These are the
things that make me who I am.
17/6/16
It has been a very long week. I feel like I'm stuck, and not growing in any portion of my life. Between the students losing all motivation to learn, not being able to work out, not sleeping because I'm not working out, and having uncontrollable hormonal issues I just need to be on vacation. 1 week until Wilco, 15 days until I fly out of here and I'm incredibly in need!
19/6/16
I'm sitting here reading ex-pats blogs knowing that in 6 months I'm going to have to decide where I want to go next and if I want to leave. All I seem to be able to see at this given moment is me, 1.5 years from now, heartbroken and sobbing on the floor of an apartment, feeling trapped in a country I hate. My biggest fear is clearly that I will repeat past mistakes. This is the worst possible situation, and unlikely, but I really want to do everything in my power to not end up there again.
26/6/16
It was one of those weekends where you are completely dumbfounded by your life. Reality felt more like a dream and I constantly wondered if my heart would ever allow me back in the real world after all these experiences.
28/6/16
I'm in the process of listening to songs I previously fell in love with. For me this is one of the most amazing life experiences. Some are happy releases at realizing I was exactly where and who I was meant to be while I danced ins solitude in my kitchen, or in a crowd at a lives show. Some of them are painful. I'm pretty sure the concert I attend next week will be one of the more painful experiences of my life, but I am so excited to feel all those songs in a totally random setting. Moments like this. Add it to the list of things I live for.
29/6/16
Today I realized that this is the first time I have friends leaving while I stay. I'm not quite sure I'm ready for these goodbyes.
1/2/16
And just like that the time has come for me to carry my 10 kilos pack through 7 countries. Here I come world :)
28/6/16
I'm in the process of listening to songs I previously fell in love with. For me this is one of the most amazing life experiences. Some are happy releases at realizing I was exactly where and who I was meant to be while I danced ins solitude in my kitchen, or in a crowd at a lives show. Some of them are painful. I'm pretty sure the concert I attend next week will be one of the more painful experiences of my life, but I am so excited to feel all those songs in a totally random setting. Moments like this. Add it to the list of things I live for.
29/6/16
Today I realized that this is the first time I have friends leaving while I stay. I'm not quite sure I'm ready for these goodbyes.
1/2/16
And just like that the time has come for me to carry my 10 kilos pack through 7 countries. Here I come world :)
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