I woke up last night and freaked out because I had no idea where I was. I have been sleeping in random beds in random cities for the last 6 weeks, but my first night back here I freak out. I'm not sure what it means, if it means anything, but I do know that it scares me.
I cannot unpack. It seems a struggle and as I finish putting the last item from my pack away I just grab it and hold it tight to myself. I'm never going to be able to give this up for the other side of my dreams. I can't have life both ways.
14/7/16
I hurt, and I want so badly to cry, but I'm so confused about all these emotions right now that I can't. I wonder if I erased you from my life, if I could just pretend like you never happened. Like I didn't make this mistake again.
21/8/16
I know what it is like to be somewhere and need a temporary dream. I can't blame you for letting me be yours.
24/8/16
It is amazing to me how something that is happening to your present can help you work through issues you didn't even know existed from your past.
28/8/16
Today on the way home from a wonderful weekend, one guy pointed out that all that really matters in life is finding someone who is willing to sit by a campfire and look at stars with you. I understood what he was saying, but...if only it was that easy.
12/9/16
When my heart is breaking and my eyes are heavy I know I just need an hour by the seaside watching and feeling the sun. I'm not going to have this opportunity everywhere.
14/9/16
I just re-read what I have written since being back and it sounds like I am depressed or something. I'm not. Life is incredible and I'm speeding along, perfectly content, but in a way that makes me want to simply write down these random feelings for remembrance.
16/9/16
Tonight I needed a moment to myself. I've needed a lot of these recently. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I have a group of extremely loud extroverted students this year, or if I'm just dealing with some kind of emotional baggage, but I've learned how to recognize this desire and I'm happy about it. So after the family potluck at work and beers with co workers I grabbed one more and headed to "my dock" to watch the stars and reflect on my life. I know I don't label myself as "christian" but I need to listen to more hymns. There is something in the history and melody of them that gives me some kind of intimate joy.
22/9/16 (Vienna)
I love the hum of a pub. That eagerness of people to meet and chat about their day. The excitement that comes with the ability to let it all go for a few hours, have a beer (or 4) and just be yourself. Such a human activity
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It is so clear that while I love Tivat, and there is a large part of me there, it ISN'T where I am meant to be. If I can be this happy somewhere I'm not actually fully happy in....just imagine the possibilities.
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How different my life would be if...
the completion of that statement require different opportunities than I was given. And I'm so happy that I don't have regrets about the opportunities I was given.
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Sometimes when I think about you I'm just angry about how much it all hurt me. But then I think back to all the little ways you tried to save my soul when it was dying and screaming and I realize how much our failure was actually the result of my faults. I don't know how I'm still dealing with this crap. Maybe because I chose to ignore it for so long.
29/9/16
I'm not sure what would be different, but I know you are right. It WOULD be different. So now....when people ask me about my biggest regret I will finally have one.
I'm not sad about it. I'm screaming on the inside, because regardless of my mistake I'm happy. I'm mad at the universe for not offering the opportunities we deserved. Yet I know I can't fix it, so I swallow the anger back and do what life has taught me to do. I leave the regret behind and focus on the next opportunity in hopes that I won't miss it.
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I coil under the pressure as what started out as unsure in August becomes a colossal ocean of confusion. All the questions shout out their queries, but I haven't the slightest idea where to how to find the answers. I am oddly contented by this state of emotional turmoil.
30/9/16
You know you are ready when you no longer think about how someone can make you happy, but you picture the smile on your face emanating their smile. I don't want to be one of those girls who is searching for the perfect one, but I'm hoping that now that I know who I am and what I want he just happens to fall in my lap.
11/10/16
Funny...I chose this job because I thought it would be the perfect thing to allow me to have a family life. Yet somehow, it seems to be moving me further away from that dream.
13/10/16
It's starting. I can feel that itch. That need to be somewhere else that isn't here. Haven't reached my breaking point yet, but I need to find something to throw myself into. The books, yoga, guitar, exercise, job search and weekend travel plans just aren't working.
21/10/16
One of those days I feel grateful. I was able to plan a week of super interested lessons exploring bridges. After school I talked to a mom about her school experience in South Africa. Then while walking to make coffee I managed to hear a mother yelling at her child in French, and passed a group of Russians students practising traditional Russian dancing. I don't know how I'm going to ever leave this life...
