I actually did type that. which tells you especially how I'm feeling about turning 27. Where did 26 go? And did I actually accomplish anything? Oh wait....a whole summer of travel, a lot of growth as a teacher, and learning to love against difficult circumstances. It was quite a damn year.
So what to say about year 26? I grew. So much. In my ability to travel. I did my 6 week summer holiday, and budgeted for the whole thing. I dealt with missed buses, gross hostels, and delayed flights all on my own. I had mental breakdowns in pubic spaces, and hiked, while nearly falling off side of mountains on my own. I expanded my teaching knowledge and am learning to truly teach my students in a real-life, skills based context. I let go of what the world and friends expected me to be doing on my nights and weekends, and accepted my love of solitude. I learned to be flexible in my definition of relationships. I learned to let go of what I thought the perfect trip, weekend, lesson, or relationship was.
I have learned by not always having a plan or expectation and just trusting things, I am more open to the experiences and opportunities that are given to me. And it is those experiences that often guide me in my decision making, and allow me to grow.
If I have to choose a word to represent what year 26 was to me I would choose trust. Not because trusting this year was easy, but because trusting helped me to grow. I have mended something inside myself that I didn't even know was broken, and have grown to love who I am. Anxiety and all.
That being said, I have a lot of goals for year 27.
A quote from my favourite book(read for the 4th time) seems the correct way to end this rant:
"My whole journey in fact...has been coming to these edges, these verges, high places where I am buffeted by winds and dazed by the view, by the risks and possibilities I never imagined could exist in my life, where I am astonished that I could get so high up, how on earth did I get so high up, where a voice whispers JUMP and another cries DON'T. Where I could turn back and walk down to safer ground, or I could throw myself over that edge, into what, what is out there, what is it that I am so afraid of beyond this last safe step where I am now standing? It is only my own life, I realize, that I am afraid of, and at each high point I am given the chance to throw myself over and back into it."- Jamie Zeppa, Beyond the Sky and the Earth
Heeeeeeey 27 Heeeeeey....Teach me more patience, allow me to offer more love, and let me live fully rather than "checking things off my list." Older, and wiser. And becuase I love summarizing my life in music, here is year 26 in a nutshell:
February- I chose a February song for last year, but I'm gonna choose another one.... This describes how I started feeling in February.
"I think I like you a little too much..."
March- Tough to choose for this month. All the songs were sappy....But this one came back in April when I made a very important realization. It's also the song I'm currently trying to learn on guitar.
"Now I see clearly
It's you I'm looking for
All of my days
Soon I'll smile
I know I'll feel this loneliness no more
All of my days
For I look around me
And it seems you've found me
And it's coming into sight
As the days keep turning into night"
April- Then this album came out.
May- In May I started dealing with some rough stuff. Confusion about why life would throw me such a curve ball. Once I faced the fact that I could not ignore the emotions I was feeling I realized how lucky I truly am.
"Running is useless and fighting is foolish
You're not gonna win but still you're the luckiest man you're up against
And too many horses and mysterious forces
What you don't know is you are the luckiest man"
June- Long nights of watching the stars, live concerts and prepping for summer trips.
July- More confusion. This song helped subdue 2 panic attacks in Poland. I definitely let myself lay in the middle of Wroclaw old town with the sun on my face and people walking all around me.
"Farther along we'll know more about it, farther along we'll understand why."
August- Loved playing this on my guitar. It also got me through Trump being elected in November.
September- A really rough month of getting back into work, dealing with a confused heart, and starting to think about where I wanted to go next. This is not my typical music, but this song describe exactly how I felt about this month.
October- Lots of stuff going on in the sky this month.
November- Hauntingly beautiful. I spent most evenings walking along the bay listening to this on repeat.
December- Late nights job searching, and being confused about job offers.
Give me darkness when I'm dreaming, give me moonlight when I'm leaving
Give me mustang horse and muscle, cause I wont be going gentle
Give me slant-eye looks when I'm lying, give me fingers when I'm crying
And I ain't out there to cheat you, see I killed that damn coyote in me…
January- Trump, job rejection, Packers out of the running for the Super Bowl. Rough month.
February- Let it Ride!
turn of a lot of events
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