13/1/17
Today on my way home I actually considered the possibility of staying in Tivat. I've thought about it here and there, but today I played out the time in in my head. I planned firstly the money I'd save, then the travel, and lastly the work experience I'd gain. Didn't seem half bad. But the things is, I love the path that isn't well walked. I know that no matter where I go, there will be a lot of people who have been there before me, but for me it will appear as though it has recently snowed. And I won't be able to stop my boots from creating that delightfully crunchy sound as I trod on top of it.
Today on my way home I actually considered the possibility of staying in Tivat. I've thought about it here and there, but today I played out the time in in my head. I planned firstly the money I'd save, then the travel, and lastly the work experience I'd gain. Didn't seem half bad. But the things is, I love the path that isn't well walked. I know that no matter where I go, there will be a lot of people who have been there before me, but for me it will appear as though it has recently snowed. And I won't be able to stop my boots from creating that delightfully crunchy sound as I trod on top of it.
17/1/17
I am not feeling passionate about any of these job opportunities. I'm not feeling passionate about staying here. I'm not feeling passionate about anything. It is starting to wear away at my insides. I had a wonderful health filled week of exercise, good whole food, and full nights of sleep. Then the stress of reports/ job searching hit and I can't screw my head back on.
I am not feeling passionate about any of these job opportunities. I'm not feeling passionate about staying here. I'm not feeling passionate about anything. It is starting to wear away at my insides. I had a wonderful health filled week of exercise, good whole food, and full nights of sleep. Then the stress of reports/ job searching hit and I can't screw my head back on.
9/2/17
I know I should write, because silence is dangerous. But at this point I am so simultaneously calm and anxious that I don't even know how to express what I want to tell myself. "It'll work out" seems too simple. "Everything happens for a reason" seems too lame. "Believe in the impossible" leads me down a path of self hatred. My fantasy and reality blur together, and all I can hope is that once I sign my name to a decision, the sky will clear I will be able to focus on whichever view it is I have chosen. "Chosen" also does not feel like an appropriate word.
I know I should write, because silence is dangerous. But at this point I am so simultaneously calm and anxious that I don't even know how to express what I want to tell myself. "It'll work out" seems too simple. "Everything happens for a reason" seems too lame. "Believe in the impossible" leads me down a path of self hatred. My fantasy and reality blur together, and all I can hope is that once I sign my name to a decision, the sky will clear I will be able to focus on whichever view it is I have chosen. "Chosen" also does not feel like an appropriate word.
16/2/17
I need to sign on a dotted line before I let love take control of my life and guide me to where I'm not certain I should be.
I need to sign on a dotted line before I let love take control of my life and guide me to where I'm not certain I should be.
22/2/17
It's peculiar to feel so certain about something, and yet to go the opposite direction.
It's peculiar to feel so certain about something, and yet to go the opposite direction.
23/2/17
I guess I'm still working on facing that biggest fear.
1/3/17
As far as I'm concerned, I am not okay with myself right now. Being angry at myself is tough, and I'm trying really hard to not rip-roar madness upon myself. But the only thing left seems to be time alone to reflect on these decisions, leading me to a place of sadness. I am so damn tired of being alone.
2/3/17
I have never been so content and discontent with my life, and so excited yet calm. I am so unprepared yet unnerved. I have never felt so single and yet so committed. My life is a paradox, teetering on a balance beam. If it tips one particular way I'm not sure how I will cope.
1/3/17
As far as I'm concerned, I am not okay with myself right now. Being angry at myself is tough, and I'm trying really hard to not rip-roar madness upon myself. But the only thing left seems to be time alone to reflect on these decisions, leading me to a place of sadness. I am so damn tired of being alone.
2/3/17
I have never been so content and discontent with my life, and so excited yet calm. I am so unprepared yet unnerved. I have never felt so single and yet so committed. My life is a paradox, teetering on a balance beam. If it tips one particular way I'm not sure how I will cope.
10/3/17
I don't want to be broken, yet more than that, I don't want to break anything else. Time to let go.
23/3/17
Through toughing out another week at work, combined with full on sickness (karma for saying I'd take a sick day to get some rest) I have to say that I love being an international teacher. Today I listened to two students, with 2 different native languages, read and translate books in French. I had to yell at a student whose native language is Turkish for saying mean words in Russian. Yesterday I watched my students perform a play in Montenegrin. Today a student who is teaching me words in Russian wrote a story in English about my adventure moving to Kazakhstan. In the story I'm actually secretly moving to Hogwarts. I was able to help her with her letter sounds in English because I now know letter sounds in Russian. I know I'm the teacher, but these kids are teaching me so much!
28/3/17
Just because I'm single doesn't mean I don't belong to someone. I am not self-conscious and weak. I belong to myself, and who better to me love me and care for me than me? I've been going at this life with myself for quite some time and I'm doing just fine. Just had to get that out there for all the men who seem to think I "need" them to feel satisfied.
30/3/17
After nearly 9 months travel free (other than a weekend here or there, and a trip home) I'm feeling crazy un-prepared for this trip.
I don't want to be broken, yet more than that, I don't want to break anything else. Time to let go.
23/3/17
Through toughing out another week at work, combined with full on sickness (karma for saying I'd take a sick day to get some rest) I have to say that I love being an international teacher. Today I listened to two students, with 2 different native languages, read and translate books in French. I had to yell at a student whose native language is Turkish for saying mean words in Russian. Yesterday I watched my students perform a play in Montenegrin. Today a student who is teaching me words in Russian wrote a story in English about my adventure moving to Kazakhstan. In the story I'm actually secretly moving to Hogwarts. I was able to help her with her letter sounds in English because I now know letter sounds in Russian. I know I'm the teacher, but these kids are teaching me so much!
28/3/17
Just because I'm single doesn't mean I don't belong to someone. I am not self-conscious and weak. I belong to myself, and who better to me love me and care for me than me? I've been going at this life with myself for quite some time and I'm doing just fine. Just had to get that out there for all the men who seem to think I "need" them to feel satisfied.
30/3/17
After nearly 9 months travel free (other than a weekend here or there, and a trip home) I'm feeling crazy un-prepared for this trip.
Wow you put yourself out there. About the brokenness I am reading the book " The Broken Way" by Ann Voskamp and thinking of you my daughter. In the book Ann's daughter brings her a paper heart to tape on her chest. As Ann is taping it it breaks. Ann is concerned about what response her daughter will have when her child says it's okay because she intended for the heart to help her show love but now the love can get in better. Beautiful picture of a broken heart huh!
ReplyDeleteWe'll later on in the chapter Ann's husband embraces her and says. " The seed breaks to give us the wheat. The soil breaks to give us the crop, the sky breaks to give us the rain, the wheat breaks to give us the bread. The bread breaks to give us the feast. There was once even in alabaster jar that broke to give Him all the glory"
A beautiful picture of all the brokenness that has happened in your life and how open your heart is to everyone. Brokeness allows us to let more in and grow to the next phase. You will achieve much as you continue to grow. Enjoy your trip. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ Mommy
As Tom Robbins says "love is the only game we win,even when we lose."
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