Mykonos

11/4/17
I read a few weeks ago that 40% of travelers are single females. This surprised me greatly. I like to think of myself as different, yet, apparently I'm just normal. I wonder where they all go? I met a few fellow solo-female travelers on the train to Athens, but have met none since. Certainly everyone on this Island seems to be bound to another human being. I keep telling myself I'm ready for that, but I'm not putting forth any effort I'm not ready to not be selfish.

12/4/17
I have gotten so bad at flirting with men, and reading their signals: Man comes jogging past with dog, blatantly staring, strikes up a conversations and I got...nothing. Other than a few meager sentences back and then focusing on my book.

13/4/17
We will keep this note private. Regret. That's all.
---------
Me and Greece just aren't vibing. Maybe I'm not putting forth any effort. Maybe I'm not saying hello to enough people. Maybe I'm being my introverted self. Maybe I didn't choose the right hostels, or not allowing for leeway in my budget. Or maybe I'm just really sick of traveling solo. Did I set my expectations too high. Maybe I just really wanted to share this.
-----
I cried today, because I'm tired and hormonal and lonely and second guessing all of my recent decisions. Like to come to Mykonos alone, and to eat more Souvlaki for lunch, and to move to Kazakhstan after all the job offers I had. Did I choose fear over love? Or did I choose discomfort I can handle over discomfort I cannot?

And so... I turn my music up and dance on the deserted beach and then i sit and I finally let a few tears fall. Eventually I hear a song that convinces me to grab a beer, so I walk to the shop, grab the cheapest one I can find. I head back to the beach and  I fight back more tears, as I sip it and grind sand between my teeth. How it miraculously managed to forge its way into my mouth, I'll never know. I try to convince myself that my decision makes no difference in the grand scheme of things. More decisions will follow, and I'll likely fuck those ones up too. But this beer had made it all better. For now.

14/4/17
The poor waiter this morning almost had to watch me have a mental breakdown. We were discussing the different countries we had both lived in. He joked that of the countries in the wold I chose Kazakhstan. Yeah, I know I'm crazy. Then he told me I must be strong to be moving all these random places. Fuck yeah! I got this.
----
This is all just hormones right? I need to get my shit together.
---
I put myself on this roller coaster, and I have no one to blame but myself. I hope to look back a year from now and marvel at how I pushed myself to grow, but right now, in this moment, I just feel anger. I need to get to the next port.