tonight we were harassed by some guys who just would leave our tent alone, and so we slept in the car. Men will just never understand that fear. Laying wide awake, totally engulfed in planning your fight for the "in case" of a man crawling on top of you.
1/7/17
Wash in a river after a hike that technically did not exist. This is freedom. This is joy.
2/7/17
Too much time in the car, and not enough movement in my legs.
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I search for emotion along the road and find only numb.
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I'm tired of decision making. Already. And at least this portion of the journey involves sharing.
3/7/17
Movement and mountains and I am alive.
4/7/17
I have had a lot of good July 4ths in my life. I wonder if I'll ever have another at home?
5/7/17
I'm on a bus trying to listen to podcasts to educate myself, but I can't get my mind of the exhaustion of choices to come. They say teachers make millions of quick decisions each day. Shouldn't I be trained for this?
6/7/17
One of the reasons I love traveling via train is that in the parts of the world I live in they are like taking a trip back in time. This ticket has not platform number, or time. It just says there I'm going. The rest is up to me to discover....
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And the first major freakout of the trip as the police officer thoroughly checked every single stamp in my passport and listed out each place I have been to, noticing I frequent Dubrovnik. I quickly pulled out my residency card and attempted to explain that I live here. His response was to invite me for a coffee since my train was running late. Once again...why? To do what? To barely speak to each other through uncomfortable hand gestures? I really just like to have my passport in my hand thank you....
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My desire to take the train has got the best of me again. "Takes 2 hours more, but leaves 3 hours earlier and has beautiful views." Sold! Then it leave 2 hours late and arrives 3 hours later than the bus would have. But as long as it is moving I am fine.
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"I'm living in Montenegro working at an international school"
"We've seen you before! At that pub just outside of Porto.."
"Clubhouse?"
"no the Gastro one. You were with 5 other teachers/"
"Blacksheep?"
"yes! "
The world is too small.....
7/7/17
I wish I had gotten the job here. I wish it so much. This city is perfect for me, and there is so much in this country. And the surrounding countries. And it is so easy to get places. And there are mountains, and there is culture, and there are cute boys. It's clean and there is craft beer. So now Kazakhstan better bring it.
8/7/717
And now that one question has been answered Sofia begs for another "what if..." to be asked.
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Right now I am here, and for now this is all that matters.
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Nothing quite like walking one block off the main hub-bub road and being in the quiet and stillness
9/7/17
I have this thing where I feel like crying in beautiful cities full of culture.
10/7/17
One of those fucking awful days of travel that makes you question why on earth you are doing it. Please say these mountain have some saving grace.
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and as soon as I'm moving with my music on I'm fine.
11/7/17
3 days of hiking, 3 days with a cute boy, 2 days at home, and then back to the US before I move to fucking Kazakhstan. This life is wonderful and everything I have ever wanted. Nothing left to do but smile.
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I'm not afraid of moving to Kazakhstan, but I am afraid of leaving Montenegro. Some dreams are getting left behind.
12/7/17
Climbing mountains is a huge challenge. So is living life, but every once in awhile you summit to an amazing view. I love my life.
13/7/17
It was a seriously rough day. Seriously. The hike was not physically tough, but my head space is dying! Falling into rivers, choices about how to get over trees, around ant mounds larger than my backpack, and how to best get rid of the flies and mosquitoes circling my head. I just want my bed and a beer.
15/7/17
Just waiting to reach my emotional capacity.
16/7/17
I am so damn tired of being alone. I'm still scared that my bed will remain empty and I'll get so comfortable with the solitude that I'll never really be able to let anyone in for real. And while we are on the subject of fears....what if I never feel "Home" again.
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Goodbye never gets any easier, and this version of life is only going to get harder.
16/7/17...these still remain my biggest fears. Never really being able to let anyone in. And never feeling "home" again. Just being so unsettled and satisfying my curiousity and craving for travel too much to the point I am never committed or settled in one place or with another person. Traveling is always a give and take. While I may feel lonely, I have never felt more alive in my entire life. The feelings of true freedom and experiencing what happiness is meant to be like, they are feelings I do not want to give up. As I read through your entries I really connect with you. I've been in the head space you have been. Everything happens for a reason and I cling onto the fact that things always work out.
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