Unfortunately what I actually saved was way more than I thought. 25 boxes in total. Full of "stuff" I thought I'd want. It was my major goal to get rid of most of them while I was home. There is no need for my parents to hold on to this junk for the next 5-10 years. I can buy new junk when I come home.
So one day I started to hoard through the piles in the crowded basement storage area, determined to whittle it down to a small box or two. Thinking it would be an easy task I grabbed a beer, set up my computer with music and began to open box after box wondering why I decided to keep clothes, and shoes, and towels, and pots and pans, and lamps, and dvd players. Which each box I opened I giggled more and more at my stupidity. Then as I opened the box containing my grandmas old olive dishes, and noticed my prom dress I had once intended to use for my wedding, I began to I break completely down.
Was this really the life I once wanted? Had I wanted to live a domesticated life with rows of photo albums and piles of books on display? Did I once think I needed 3 pairs of high heels, and fancy decorations to cover my walls? I save every note and every doll from childhood. I saved lists, and writings about my hopes and dream. Why do I live in the past?
I cry and cry and think to myself I cannot do this. I cannot fit my life into 2 suitcases and 2 backpacks. It simply isn't possible. I message my friend just to remind myself that there are people in the world who do far more difficult. There are people who do this with just a backpack, and no boxes in their parents basement. But I let the tears fall, because other than a brief 1 minute-cry post 4 beers, while texting my ex at the airport leaving Indonesia, I have felt nothing for so long.
The song "Find it" by Family of the Year comes on. A song that so graciously shakes my core from the inside out.
"I say goodbye as it fades away
Out past those trees I'm gonna find my way
Please don't be scared for me
I'm big and I'm strong
You had to know that I would leave all along"
I toss out thing after precious thing, until I have only a few boxes of items to save and a few to still go through. Goodbye life I thought I wanted. I'm gonna leave you behind for better days and better ways. At least for the next few years.
So one day I started to hoard through the piles in the crowded basement storage area, determined to whittle it down to a small box or two. Thinking it would be an easy task I grabbed a beer, set up my computer with music and began to open box after box wondering why I decided to keep clothes, and shoes, and towels, and pots and pans, and lamps, and dvd players. Which each box I opened I giggled more and more at my stupidity. Then as I opened the box containing my grandmas old olive dishes, and noticed my prom dress I had once intended to use for my wedding, I began to I break completely down.
Was this really the life I once wanted? Had I wanted to live a domesticated life with rows of photo albums and piles of books on display? Did I once think I needed 3 pairs of high heels, and fancy decorations to cover my walls? I save every note and every doll from childhood. I saved lists, and writings about my hopes and dream. Why do I live in the past?
I cry and cry and think to myself I cannot do this. I cannot fit my life into 2 suitcases and 2 backpacks. It simply isn't possible. I message my friend just to remind myself that there are people in the world who do far more difficult. There are people who do this with just a backpack, and no boxes in their parents basement. But I let the tears fall, because other than a brief 1 minute-cry post 4 beers, while texting my ex at the airport leaving Indonesia, I have felt nothing for so long.
The song "Find it" by Family of the Year comes on. A song that so graciously shakes my core from the inside out.
"I say goodbye as it fades away
Out past those trees I'm gonna find my way
Please don't be scared for me
I'm big and I'm strong
You had to know that I would leave all along"
I toss out thing after precious thing, until I have only a few boxes of items to save and a few to still go through. Goodbye life I thought I wanted. I'm gonna leave you behind for better days and better ways. At least for the next few years.
Tiara, You are big and strong and very independent, throw away the stuff but never give up on the life you've had that got you to this dream you dream. I've always said if you don't dream a dream you won't bring that dream to reality. Dreams are sometimes what we think they will be but rarely exactly as we thought they would be. Reminiscing about the life you've had the heritage of the past the heritage you want to create for yourself and others around you. What do you want from life? What do you want to invest in the lives of others? You are so good at this? Thank you! What you do is hard for you hard for us but very rewarding. Take care of yourself depend on your inner strength and faith to see you through. Best wishes, Mommy
ReplyDeleteEternally thankful God gave me you as a daughter. A gift beyond my choosing.