Merry Christmas: A Christmas at Home

2016....A year full of madness, pure happiness, and personal growth.

 "There are outlaw maps that lead to outlaw treasure and I love those maps especially. Unwilling to wait for mankind to improve, the outlaw lives as if that day were here. And I love that most of all."

It's silly, but I feel like 2016 is jinxed. In fact as I started applying for jobs in October, part of me hoped I wouldn't be offered anything until the new year, just because my superstitions had kicked in.

Personally, this year has, in a way, been one of the best I have ever had. In other ways it has been completely complicated and horendous.

I started out the New Year in snowy Czech Republic, singing "The Weight" in Czech among random strangers. If that wasn't a signal to what the year would be I don't know what was. Christmas was a fantastic magic wonderland of markets, mulled wine, delicious beer, and cultural exploration with new friends. The theme for the year was quickly decided upon as "Outlaw Maps" as I read "Still Life With Woodpecker" on my trip, and completed a hike on New Years Eve.

After returning to work I began the monotonous lifestyle of coming home and completing online coursework to begin the steps to renew my teaching license.

In late March I took a 2 week trip to Turkey, which exceeded my expectations in so many ways. Turkey is a high priority for the future as there is so much left to explore. It greatly changed my opinion of the "Middle Eastern" part of the world. I'm keen to explore other parts of the Middle East.

I finished out the spring with a few weekends of relaxation on the beaches of Montenegro, and made a quick 5 day weekend trip to Slovenia, which also needs far more attention. The natural beauty of this tiny country is astounding to me.

Summer 2016 brought forth a true dream: 6 full weeks of non-stop travel. The most I had ever travelled prior to this was 3 weeks, and that involved staying at my friends house in between portions. This is no-where near the full 6 month- a year dream I have, but it gave me a true taste for what life on the road was like. Between exploring castles, historical walking tours, couch surfing meet-ups and hikes I found time for simple pleasures such as a good cup of coffee, a good beer, and a few days hanging on the couch of a random hostel.
In summation:
Lithuania: concerts in gardens/ drunken nights/ waffles in the morning
Latvia: solid conversations at the train station, excellent underground pubs
Estonia: street art/ midnight sunsets/ so many tours!
Poland: historical tours/ new friends/ Mountains
Slovakia: I am so fricken tired/ old woman on a speed train
Hungary: no sleep, couchsurfers
Croatia: traveling with parents, I love Montenegro and miss my bed.

I woke up in a complete panic attack my first night back in my bed. After careful contemplation I decided to set some new goals: Mainly, to immerse myself in my school's curriculum in order to grow professionally and to explore the nature around me. I was pretty successful and spent quite a few weekends hiking and/or camping in the nearby mountains. This was all thanks to some new friends I made. How lucky am I ?

I also had the pleasure of attending a professional development seminar in Vienna, which helped me a lot in my ability to implement the school curriculum, and to better assess my students to ensure continued education and personal growth.

I had a short weekend getaway in Belgrade in late October, and began the job search in November. I love living in Tivat and have never been more happy than I am right now. But I also know what is out there career wise, and social life wise. Now that I know who I am, and am happy and content with her, it is time for her to start finding the beat of city life, a job that allows for some more professional development and staff collaboration, and some money to pay off these never-ending student loans.

That being said I don't know where I'll be come July, but for now I'm heading home for my first Christmas in the USA since I left. I'm still feeling a bit nervous about going "home" and having a real home to return to, rather than a home of 2 suitcases and a backpack. I can't wait to partake in my family traditions, get in some good live music, and hug my family and friends.

Here's a little reminder of Christmas from afar:

Thanks to all who have been there to celebrate with me and make me feel loved at the holiday time, and welcome 2017 and the new friends, cities, and experiences you will bring. I am looking so forward to it :)

And since we started the year with a Tom Robbin's quote we shall end there as well: "There is always the same amount of good luck and bad luck in the world. If one person doesn’t get the bad luck, somebody else will have to get it in their place. There’s always the same amount of good and evil, too. We can’t eradicate evil, we can only evict it, force it to move across town. And when evil moves, some good always goes with it. But we can never alter the ratio of good to evil. All we can do is keep things stirred up so neither good nor evil solidifies. That’s when things get scary. Life is like a stew, you have you stir it frequently, or all the scum rise to the top." 

So, Stir it Up!

Thankful 2016: Outlaw Maps

Thus continues one of my favourite traditions: The top 10 moments I am thankful for since last Thanksgiving. I'd like to thank the theme of "Outlaw Maps" for this year.

10. Friendsmas in Prague- Traveling solo can be hard, but sometimes you find a person or group you just click with. I was lucky enough to have this happen twice in Prague. When you meet people who influence your journey in such a positive way it's impossible to not be grateful. I love us!

9. Lake Bled Wanderings- I spent the whole day just walking around the Lake enjoying the beauty and wishing that my life could always be this simple and easy.

8. Theth National Park- I had wanted to go so badly when I lived in Albania, but never quite made it. A beautiful autumn weekend hiking among the colours with new friends.

7. Damien Rice concert, random ride- I should refer to my previous blog, but...basically I had to let go of some serious control issues in a foreign country where I had no idea how to get back to my hostel after the buses stopped running. So making friends with and inspiring random strangers was where it was at!

6. Klet mountain- I love myself because I am able to just try new things. Including going on a hike that there is almost zero information about. And then...it just happens that it is a tradition to hike to the top of it on this particular day. Much enjoyed my time dancing with random Czech dudes. Such a a random cultural experience.

5.Wilco in Kotor- Dancing my drunk ass off to one of my favourite bands ever. In a foreign country that I happen to be living in. Yes. Please.

4.Fire in Lubliana- After a very short, and stressful weekend in Slovenia I was lucky enough to unwind at a traditional "Summer's Day" activity. Drinking beers, listening to live local music, and burning a crazy large fire near a church on the top of hill. Who could ask for more? Fire, Music, Beer, and Culture is exactly what I am seeking.

3.Tatra Mountains- I had a very rough morning of travel that did not go according to plan. But I made it to Zakopane and completed a decently hard hike by myself. Some of the people I met along the way asked me if I was scared to be hiking alone. I realized how much independence I have gained since moving abroad.

2. The Realization-
Sunset. Tivat. And realizing what I ultimately didn't want to admit to myself. Walking home from Porto beaming after texting my mom, because I had to tell SOMEONE.

1. Comment about mom with backpack- So, on the final day of my summer travel I was on a ferry with my parents and noticed a woman carrying an ULTRA LARGE backpack as her 5? year old daughter follower her around holding a doll. I told my mom that someday, that would potentially be me. My mom said it could never ever be me, and I frowned at her in disappointment at her close mindedness.
Only, then, she said something that really inspired and encouraged me. She said, "That could never be you, because your daughter will have her own backpack on her back." That right there is everything I wish and hope for.

And here is to next years theme of "Trusting Things Beyond Mistake."

Musings from Slovenia

28/4/16 (Bled) 
This place reminds me of the train from Berlin to Munich, and that feeling I got when I just wanted to get out and explore. It also feels slightly like being up north along the lakes back home. Pretty sure I could just stay here forever, and hike everyday. Although right now I lost my phone, have a migraine from not eating anything healthy, and just want my bed.

29/4/16 (Bled)
I spent the morning wandering around the Lake, and realizing how much I rely on my phone on a consistent basis. For a little while I considered just not purchasing a new one. What a release that would be. But then I started thinking about how it connects me to the people I love, and it's usefulness. Especially when traveling. I rely on it so much for maps, passwords, alarms, tracking my spending ect. But I am glad for the opportunity to reflect on this portion of my life. I'm going to start setting aside more technology free hours in my life. Sans phone, sans music, sans computer.
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I've always had my own goals and dreams. There have been times when they have seemed less important and have begun to merge with someone else. This is different.

It is strange when your dreams used to be so solid and fixed and suddenly they become so fluid and moveable. The only part of my dreams that matters now is who they are with.

30/4/16 (Bled)
Every time I take trips like this I leave a little piece of my heart in these places. It is so easy to fall in love with a place when you are there for such a short period of time. Hiking in Bled made me realize I seriously need to risk myself a little bit more in Montenegro. Splurge on a car some weekends and just find places nearby to explore and hike.
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(Ljubljana)
These are the moments I live for. This pure culture. Hiking up a hill to feast on cevapi while listening to some speeches by the Mayor which I will never understand. Grabbing a beer to stand by a fire in the middle of the woods. Dancing to a local band singing in a slavic language, only able to understand the lyrics because of the body language.

31/4 (Ljublijana)
I'll say it again: Nothing I love more than sitting in a city center, people watching while I sip a beer or coffee.
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There are so many interesting cultures to study, and not all of them are obvious and in your face. You may have to dig deeper to see the beauty of it.

1/5 (Ljubljana)
Some days, travel can just seem daunting and difficult. But then you finally get to where you are going and it all becomes worthwhile.

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Sitting in a bar drinking an unfiltered IPA and Inn Town by Ryan Adams comes on. These moments take me home even when I am so far away from there.

Songs From Year 25

I used to make a mixed Cd for every semester of college. I figured why not start doing the same for the years of my life?

February:
I Don't Want to Change You- Damien Rice
This one took some debating. I knew it'd be a song from Damien's album that came out just prior to this. It was pretty much the only thing I was capable of listening to. These lyrics seem to resonate with the majority of what my life was a year ago.

March:
Song for Zula- Phosporescent
"I saw love, disfigure me, into something I am not recognizing."

April:
I lived- One Republic
I woke up hungover in Thailand one morning after sending out some pretty deep texts while I was drunk the previous night. I was of course sharing the room with a random guy I had met a few days prior, on an Island. He played me this song as I tried to choke back tears. About 2 hours later I accepted a job in Montenegro!

May:
Bleeding Out- The Lone Bellow
Dealing with health issues, and transitions. This song was my hope.

June:
Take My Love- The Lone Bellow
Not sure about this one. I just remember it being on repeat.

July:
Should Have Known Better- Sufjan Stevens
"The past is still the past, the bridge to nowhere." Being home was confusing. Like the lyrics of this song.

August:
Home from Home- Roo Panes
This song is pretty much how I felt to be back in the Balkans. I tried to choose specific lyrics, but it's all of them.

September:
This must be the Place- Talking Heads (Note: I like the acoustic cover by Iron and Wine)
A love song for Montenegro.

October:
Walking Far From Home- Iron and Wine
My friend sent this too me one night and I listened to it on repeat for about 2 hours straight.  By the next night I had learned it on the guitar. They lyrics still make me shiver. Once I see everything on this list....I'll come home.

November:
Ms. Potter's Lullaby- The Counting Crows
"The price of a memory is the memory of the sorrow it brings." Nothing could compare to this song with the windows down as Cortney and I hauled ass on the Croatian highways.

December:
Cactus Tree- Joni Mitchell
You don't want to know.

January:
The Waves- Matthew and the Atlas
So when I came back to Montenegro I was really nervous I'd be homesick. But as soon as I saw the waves I was so happy. A few weeks later I heard this song and I fell in love.

February:
Wild Woman- The Ballroom Thieves
There is nothing I love more than a person rocking out on a cello. Other than maybe a person rocking out on a banjo or harmonica.

Untitled #2

11/11/15
When I first arrived I kept having these little panic attacks where my heart would race and I wouldn't be able to breath for like 10-20 seconds. They would pass and I'd be fine. I sort of forgot about them until Cortney was here and mentioned she was having them too. She attributed it to being in a familiar place that wasn't quite the same. I had another one tonight and thought to myself "could this be reverse culture shock?" Still better than the hours of sobbing I was doing in Jakarta, so I'll take it.

16/11/15
I have this unnerving feeling inside. I know exactly what it is, and I know how I could probably combat it. But for the time being I just want to embrace it for what it is. I have this other feeling too...and it is scary and crazy and I don't know why I'm continuing to dive into it, but the butterflies in my stomach tell me I have no control over it.

19/11/15
The moment you realize that your feelings are too complex to handle. So you breathe them in and breathe them out and let them go. Complicated? Yes, but the smile on my face is so worth all the complications that could possibly come. And as I smile I think to myself, "Oh fuck...here we go again." My heart feels equally light and heavy. My stomach lurches with excitement and fear. Unexpected and wondrous!

26/11/15
Thankful for every confusing step I have taken on this incredible journey. May my beating heart be a reminder of the eminent passing of time. May I never falter from the life i love, and continue to live it with gratitude. Thanksgiving 2015.

2/12/15
Mini panic attack. Crisis averted. Thank you music.

3/12/15
So I was walking home from work today thinking about the boxes I have stored at my parents house for when I decide to start living a "real life" again. And then, suddenly, I started to think about all my favorite travel items. My day pack, my hiking boots, my specific comfy outfits. And suddenly it hit me. Will I ever be ready to have these items sit in storage boxes in a closet of my "real apartment" haunting me with their calls of adventure. Why do I always end up here?

This. 

7/12/15
The panic attacks are getting more frequent and lasting longer. I can feel my heart begining to crumble, then comes the shortness of breath followed by an intense feeling to burst into tears. Which, I then can't follow through on. No tears. Is this homesickness? Confusion? Or...is it fear of finally knowing what I want and not knowing how to get it?

13/12/15
I have a year before I need to even begin to think about deciding the next chapter of my life. And yet, I just can't get it out of my head. This is now. This is here. And just when I think I have it out of my head or have made a decision, some new point of interest comes miraculously flooding my mind with doubt, and I begin the process all over again. This is the life I chose. Complete and utter confusion.

17/12/15
There is a big difference between missing home and being homesick. In Jakarta my heart would actually ache and I would sob and cry for everything I desired and missed. I was in pain. I am not homesick. The holidays are simply causing me to miss home. Maybe this song is my theme for 2016:

My First Week in Tivat

I can't believe I've already been here for a week, and at the same time I feel like I've already been here a month. Time for an update I guess.

No filter. I swear it!

I'll start by saying that I love it here! That's not to say it's not going to have it's challenges, or that I always will, but most of the expats I have talked to say the love for this place continues as long as you put in some effort.

5 minute walk from my apartment

My apartment is small, but in a cozy single girl way. It suits me well and reminds me of my place in Albania. The things I'm still looking for are drawers, and kitchen electronics such as a blender and food processor. I have seen these things, but not to the extent where I'm going to have lots of choices. At first I kept thinking I could just wait for larger stores. After going to the supermarket today I realize that there are not choices. I'll purchase these items as soon as I have an income and see them again. Also my landlord is amazing. He's teaching me little bits about the culture, and has already told me he often has friends over to play cards and drink in his "smoke room" (traditional thing I need to learn more about to explain.) He invited me to join in and promised to take me on his boat sometime!

Did I mention we have a huge garden? With 4 pet turtles!

waiting for you....

I also cannot for the life of me find good coffee. Honestly, I didn't realize how spoiled I was in Indonesia. All the coffee here is pre-ground, which is alright for me right now since I don't have my blender, but....it is so fine that it doesn't work very well in my coffee press, unless I wait a long time for it to sink to the bottom. I have actually been relying on instant coffee, which just is not going to cut it once I start work. Espresso is cheap at the cafes, but I don't really want to have to spend 20 minutes stopping to sip coffee on my way to work. Maybe I can work out a deal with the owner of a place to bring them little to-go cups and stop through on my way each morning?

1 Euro!

I'm finding that if you are a little bit warm towards the people they will be warm back. Today I went to the fruit/veg market (I finally found it after talking to fellow expats last night) and once I introduced myself as a teacher the girl at the stall said if I had any questions or needed help to ask her. I'm told it is important to learn a bit of the language just to by kind. So far I still only know thank you. I'm going to try to do 2-3 words a day from now on. I also noticed while the nice restaurants have menus translated in English, the cheaper ones do not. Additionally a lot of the packages at the markets are not translated. So I think learning the words for different foods will be my first task.

7 Euros worth of fresh produce!

Also, I'm going to miss international food. There are no Thai or Indian restaurants here. That being said, I'm looking very forward to getting experimental in cooking.

My school is a bit like the others I've taught it. New, small, and not very organized. I think i'll love it here as the staff seems to be a team who just pull together and make it all work for the best.

And the staff! I cannot get over how warm everyone is. They are so helpful and welcoming. I haven't even met half of them yet. Last night I went out for drinks with the MYP coordinator, and a high school teacher and his wife. We had a great chat and I've already been invited to watch Sunday football with the guys and join in running club. There is a 10K coming up in 3-4 weeks that I just may sign up for as a little motivator.

I thought I started work the first Monday of August, but as it turns out I started a week later, so I ended up taking a little trip to Podgorica, the capital. There wasn't much to do, and it was blazing hot, but it was nice to hang in the hostel and meet travelers who got me thinking about my potential winter break plans.

random bar in Podgorica

Evening stroll in Podgorica Old Town

It was so hot that all I did during my 2 days in Podgorica was drink beer and swim here. 

So far I am loving the people, the wine, and the ease with which moving has come. I'm looking forward to starting work on Monday after a lazy weekend of cleaning, cooking, and organizing.

Where I Belong

It's odd how you can't ever really prepare for a goodbye. You would think I'd be getting this down after all these years of leaving, but it always seems to hit me in different ways.

Albania was mostly excitement and fear. I didn't really have time to deal with the emotions of others. I had no clue what I was getting myself into. I cried when I left, and had a good mental breakdown in Turkey. When I finally arrived at the hotel I just lay awake and cried for hours. Every single day was a struggle until it just wasn't. Honestly, after 9 months I wanted to see everyone, but I had no desire to go home. After 2 weeks in America, I was sick of it.

It was easy to leave for Indonesia. The only real hard part for me was not knowing when I'd see everyone again. I cried a little, but once I was on my way I was perfectly fine. I got there, and loved it instantly. It took awhile for me to realize it wasn't at all what I wanted out of life. I grew bored, and longed for days of exploration and friends with the same views on the world.

After not being home for 2 years, every part of me was aching to see my family and friend again. I thought 4.5 weeks would be far to long. Surprise! It wasn't. I packed my days with all the things I loved about home, and I fell in love with the idea of having a life there. Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe this means that in a few years I'll be ready. My mind was there, but my heart just wasn't.

When I said goodbye this time it was different. It felt wrong. As my niece sobbed when I hugged her I realized how big she was getting. She understood what was happening. It was tough to stomach this. I didn't want to be hurting the people I loved. When I said goodbye to my brother's girlfriend and her kids it was equally difficult. Here was this whole new part of my family I wanted to stick around and get to know. Her daughter even said it wasn't fair she just met me and now I was leaving. My brother took me to the airport and I had a hell of a time dealing with checking in my massive amount of luggage on a machine, while simultaneously trying not to vomit over everything. I said goodbye to Daryn at security and halfway thought the line, thought to myself I could just turn around. I could. It would suck, and be difficult to figure out,  but if I wanted to, I could quit. I held my spot and made it though. Then I found the nearest spot to sit down and bawled my eyes out. I heaved and sobbed, and let the tears run down and soak the front of my shirt. I just lost it, in front of the entire Minneapolis airport. I messaged my mom and my friend and they were both super supportive, but I just did not want to board the plane. 

Lets be real guys I had a rough day. Mostly I just felt like I was going to hurl anytime I moved (due to about 3 too many Surlys, and 2 too many double day trippers, and watching a super cute guy rock out on the mandolin until way too late the night before.) I finally managed to get some fruit down right before my flight from Chicago (which left at 10pm)...thank goodness. Seriously guys...it was a bad one. Next time my going away party needs to be a full day in advance.

The good that came from this was that after I ate dinner on the plane I was actually able to sleep for a full 3-4 hours on and off, which made the flight go super fast. 1 movie with dinner, nap, 30 minutes of reading and one movie with breakfast. My layover in Finland was super fast. Basically I had time to check in with the world, admire the cute men that passed me as I charged my phone for 10 minutes, and time to pee.

I took a brief nap on my 3 hour flight to Croatia and then read/listened to music.

I saw the mountains when we began our decent into Croatia, and I new instantly I was home. For real home. I had some issues with baggage (one got lost) which was annoying, basically because I had no way to contact the driver to make sure he didn't leave without me thinking I was one of those teachers who backed out last minute (which I almost was.) Thank goodness for smartphones: I was able to find the school's information via previous emails. I gave it, and the school phone number, to the lady at the lost baggage desk so that they will be able to ship my last bag when it arrives.

The driver was still patiently waiting and hauled the rest of my luggage to the car. I prepared myself for a drive, but what I got was one incredible feeling after another. I noticed so many little things that made me remember how much I loved my life in the Balkans.

The first was a pig crossing sign. Yep. Then I started to remember this landscape as I noticed the tall pine trees. I forgot how much I loved those. The next sight that made me smile was an old lady walking on the highway carrying what was presumably olive oil, but was more likely homemade rakia (liquor made from grapes.) I remembered all the road trips we took as I noticed the signs that tell you when you are leaving a city rather then letting you know which city you are in. I just couldn't stop smiling. As the diver asked me for my passport to cross the Montenegrin boarder I noticed one of the most beautiful sights in the world: A full moon rose over the mountains and below the city lights twinkled and reflected in the water. At first I wanted to stop and take a picture, and then I realized it was one of those moments I wouldn't be able to capture for anyone else. This one was all mine.

There is something to be said for moments when you feel in your heart that you are right where you are meant to be. Montenegro...prep yourself. I had a small thought of "I should just stay here for a long time."