1. Don't be crippled by the choices you must make. Big ones and little ones. Get out and do. See. Explore. Dwelling on possibilities will not get you anywhere.
2. Drink less. Mighty God! 2015....you were killer. Probably worse than college and Albania. Between stocked up liquor in Jakarta, going home, and Montenegro. Just....yikes.
3. Loans. Pay off that big one...10 grand minimum. Stupid interest.
4. Get better at gutair. Spend at least a few hours a week fumbling around on the thing.
5. Pray. Not because you are religious, but because you can. Not to any one God, but pray for everything you love and believe in.
6. Less TV. More books, and walks, and life.
7. Anxiety habits. Stop them. This was a goal since you were 16.
8. Spend more time staring off into the distance.
9. Listen more. To people, to music, and to silence. I want to learn to appreciate the sound of nothing.
10. I'm not making any weight loss goals, because I'm very appreciative and happy with the body I have. But....I could cut back on sugar, which would probably lead to my clothes fitting better. That'd be nice.
11/11/15
When I first arrived I kept having these little panic attacks where my heart would race and I wouldn't be able to breath for like 10-20 seconds. They would pass and I'd be fine. I sort of forgot about them until Cortney was here and mentioned she was having them too. She attributed it to being in a familiar place that wasn't quite the same. I had another one tonight and thought to myself "could this be reverse culture shock?" Still better than the hours of sobbing I was doing in Jakarta, so I'll take it.
16/11/15
I have this unnerving feeling inside. I know exactly what it is, and I know how I could probably combat it. But for the time being I just want to embrace it for what it is. I have this other feeling too...and it is scary and crazy and I don't know why I'm continuing to dive into it, but the butterflies in my stomach tell me I have no control over it.
19/11/15
The moment you realize that your feelings are too complex to handle. So you breathe them in and breathe them out and let them go. Complicated? Yes, but the smile on my face is so worth all the complications that could possibly come. And as I smile I think to myself, "Oh fuck...here we go again." My heart feels equally light and heavy. My stomach lurches with excitement and fear. Unexpected and wondrous!
26/11/15
Thankful for every confusing step I have taken on this incredible journey. May my beating heart be a reminder of the eminent passing of time. May I never falter from the life i love, and continue to live it with gratitude. Thanksgiving 2015.
2/12/15
Mini panic attack. Crisis averted. Thank you music.
3/12/15
So I was walking home from work today thinking about the boxes I have stored at my parents house for when I decide to start living a "real life" again. And then, suddenly, I started to think about all my favorite travel items. My day pack, my hiking boots, my specific comfy outfits. And suddenly it hit me. Will I ever be ready to have these items sit in storage boxes in a closet of my "real apartment" haunting me with their calls of adventure. Why do I always end up here?
This.
7/12/15
The panic attacks are getting more frequent and lasting longer. I can feel my heart begining to crumble, then comes the shortness of breath followed by an intense feeling to burst into tears. Which, I then can't follow through on. No tears. Is this homesickness? Confusion? Or...is it fear of finally knowing what I want and not knowing how to get it?
13/12/15
I have a year before I need to even begin to think about deciding the next chapter of my life. And yet, I just can't get it out of my head. This is now. This is here. And just when I think I have it out of my head or have made a decision, some new point of interest comes miraculously flooding my mind with doubt, and I begin the process all over again. This is the life I chose. Complete and utter confusion.
17/12/15
There is a big difference between missing home and being homesick. In Jakarta my heart would actually ache and I would sob and cry for everything I desired and missed. I was in pain. I am not homesick. The holidays are simply causing me to miss home. Maybe this song is my theme for 2016:
Wow! Where has time gone? When I left
you Christmas of last year I was planning a life in Singapore, and…. here I am.
In Montenegro. It is incredible how even short term plans don’t seem to work
out when you get to this confusing portion of your life (and by portion I mean all of it), and for that I am
forever grateful.
All I want for Christmas is Sufjan.
I had an amazing time in Australia
meeting all of Matt’s friends and family. I spent Christmas day sipping whiskey
and IPA by the pool, and spent the following few days traveling around Cairns.
Then we headed back to Brisbane where I got to hold a Koala, visit jellyfish
filled beaches, and hike in national parks.
After spending Christmas break in
Australia I came back to Jakarta and began the ultimate job search. I had many
interviews and was highly disappointed when I arrived in Thailand to discover I
had been rejected by my most probable prospect, just on the brink of a 2 week
holiday. I spent a small portion of my amazing spring holiday interviewing,
while traipsing between hostels dressed in bikinis and sundresses. I was happy
to accept the offer for a position in Montenegro during my final few days of
vacation. When I finally received word from my only perspective school in
Singapore, I already had a contract signed and knew I had made the correct
decision.
During
my two weeks in Thailand I also managed to jam in some amazing time in Koh Phi
Phi, Krabi, Chaing Mai and Pai. I have to say that Thailand wins for
best-unplanned trip and random group of travelers I’ve ever met. I’m grateful
forever to the people I met there for salvaging me from what could have been,
one very depressing holiday.
My
last stint in Jakarta was very difficult mostly because I was dealing with some
potentially serious health issues. The doctor there basically told me that I
needed to leave the pollution of Jakarta as soon as possible. I was thankful to
get back to America and have them confirm that my “spotted skin” and potential
autoimmune disease was just temporary. The spots are gone and haven’t come back, and
all I’m left with are a few scars from skin biopsies, and some wasted money on
medical bills and medication.
I
was highly appreciative of my time in America, and spent the majority of it in
the Cities with Daryn and his amazing girlfriend Jenny. We went camping on
Madeline Island for July 4th, and spent most of our nights at live
shows or in the backyard with a campfire burning. I was also lucky enough to be
able to attend the first annual Eau Claires music festival with Teirney and
Leah, and spend a few days post July 4th at a lake house in
Wisconsin hanging with the cutest niece and nephew an auntie could ask for.
After
all my goodbyes I would have to say that this one was the most difficult yet.
After feeling so intensely uncomfortable in Jakarta it was nice to be in a
place where I felt like myself again. Being in a place I belonged led to
confidence that had been lost among the maze of Jakarta. That being said,
though I paused many a time at the airport to contemplate turning around,
staying home and dealing with the consequences, I pushed myself into the ever-knowing
discomfort and fear of living abroad.
After
arriving in Dubrovnik and losing some baggage, I got in a car to begin the 1.5
hour journey to Tivat, Montenegro and felt instantly at home. The Balkans is
where I belong.
I
have been living in Tivat for the last 5 months, and love every bit of life
here. It feels different than my past two homes away from home. It’s a teeny
city where everyone knows everyone, and though there aren’t many places to go,
my small group of friends manages to keep me busy and content. I’m teaching an
older group of students and am therefore able to let my teaching style meander
from the typical well-prepared and structured version I’m used to, to a go with
the flow and let natural learning happen style that I love.
In
October my friend Cortney (who I met in Albania) came to visit for a few weeks
and we were lucky enough to be able to rent a car and road trip through Bosnia
and Croatia. We were able to spend a few repeat days in Mostar reminding
ourselves why we loved it so much and then got out into nature visiting Jajce,
and Plivice Lakes for some wandering and photography.
I
will be spending my 3 week Christmas holiday traveling to Vienna and Prague and
am looking forward to what I know will be a very traditional Christmas, with
markets, hats and scarves, mulled wine, and hopefully snow. You never know what
you are missing until it is gone.
traditional tree photo cause I have a tree!
If
any of you are in the market for an adventure I know a girl. Feel free to swing
by Montenegro.
What I've come to realize in the last year is
home has many definitions for me. It is not only where you are. Home is the
people you love, the life you live, and happiness you experience.
happy life!!
So if you managed to make it through all these musings then you deserve to know the following: I am officially planning to be home in time for Thanksgiving of 2019. Given the first paragraph of this blog you can know to take that with a grain of salt. Love ya'll! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
