Thankful 2016: Outlaw Maps

Thus continues one of my favourite traditions: The top 10 moments I am thankful for since last Thanksgiving. I'd like to thank the theme of "Outlaw Maps" for this year.

10. Friendsmas in Prague- Traveling solo can be hard, but sometimes you find a person or group you just click with. I was lucky enough to have this happen twice in Prague. When you meet people who influence your journey in such a positive way it's impossible to not be grateful. I love us!

9. Lake Bled Wanderings- I spent the whole day just walking around the Lake enjoying the beauty and wishing that my life could always be this simple and easy.

8. Theth National Park- I had wanted to go so badly when I lived in Albania, but never quite made it. A beautiful autumn weekend hiking among the colours with new friends.

7. Damien Rice concert, random ride- I should refer to my previous blog, but...basically I had to let go of some serious control issues in a foreign country where I had no idea how to get back to my hostel after the buses stopped running. So making friends with and inspiring random strangers was where it was at!

6. Klet mountain- I love myself because I am able to just try new things. Including going on a hike that there is almost zero information about. And then...it just happens that it is a tradition to hike to the top of it on this particular day. Much enjoyed my time dancing with random Czech dudes. Such a a random cultural experience.

5.Wilco in Kotor- Dancing my drunk ass off to one of my favourite bands ever. In a foreign country that I happen to be living in. Yes. Please.

4.Fire in Lubliana- After a very short, and stressful weekend in Slovenia I was lucky enough to unwind at a traditional "Summer's Day" activity. Drinking beers, listening to live local music, and burning a crazy large fire near a church on the top of hill. Who could ask for more? Fire, Music, Beer, and Culture is exactly what I am seeking.

3.Tatra Mountains- I had a very rough morning of travel that did not go according to plan. But I made it to Zakopane and completed a decently hard hike by myself. Some of the people I met along the way asked me if I was scared to be hiking alone. I realized how much independence I have gained since moving abroad.

2. The Realization-
Sunset. Tivat. And realizing what I ultimately didn't want to admit to myself. Walking home from Porto beaming after texting my mom, because I had to tell SOMEONE.

1. Comment about mom with backpack- So, on the final day of my summer travel I was on a ferry with my parents and noticed a woman carrying an ULTRA LARGE backpack as her 5? year old daughter follower her around holding a doll. I told my mom that someday, that would potentially be me. My mom said it could never ever be me, and I frowned at her in disappointment at her close mindedness.
Only, then, she said something that really inspired and encouraged me. She said, "That could never be you, because your daughter will have her own backpack on her back." That right there is everything I wish and hope for.

And here is to next years theme of "Trusting Things Beyond Mistake."

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11/11/15
When I first arrived I kept having these little panic attacks where my heart would race and I wouldn't be able to breath for like 10-20 seconds. They would pass and I'd be fine. I sort of forgot about them until Cortney was here and mentioned she was having them too. She attributed it to being in a familiar place that wasn't quite the same. I had another one tonight and thought to myself "could this be reverse culture shock?" Still better than the hours of sobbing I was doing in Jakarta, so I'll take it.

16/11/15
I have this unnerving feeling inside. I know exactly what it is, and I know how I could probably combat it. But for the time being I just want to embrace it for what it is. I have this other feeling too...and it is scary and crazy and I don't know why I'm continuing to dive into it, but the butterflies in my stomach tell me I have no control over it.

19/11/15
The moment you realize that your feelings are too complex to handle. So you breathe them in and breathe them out and let them go. Complicated? Yes, but the smile on my face is so worth all the complications that could possibly come. And as I smile I think to myself, "Oh fuck...here we go again." My heart feels equally light and heavy. My stomach lurches with excitement and fear. Unexpected and wondrous!

26/11/15
Thankful for every confusing step I have taken on this incredible journey. May my beating heart be a reminder of the eminent passing of time. May I never falter from the life i love, and continue to live it with gratitude. Thanksgiving 2015.

2/12/15
Mini panic attack. Crisis averted. Thank you music.

3/12/15
So I was walking home from work today thinking about the boxes I have stored at my parents house for when I decide to start living a "real life" again. And then, suddenly, I started to think about all my favorite travel items. My day pack, my hiking boots, my specific comfy outfits. And suddenly it hit me. Will I ever be ready to have these items sit in storage boxes in a closet of my "real apartment" haunting me with their calls of adventure. Why do I always end up here?

This. 

7/12/15
The panic attacks are getting more frequent and lasting longer. I can feel my heart begining to crumble, then comes the shortness of breath followed by an intense feeling to burst into tears. Which, I then can't follow through on. No tears. Is this homesickness? Confusion? Or...is it fear of finally knowing what I want and not knowing how to get it?

13/12/15
I have a year before I need to even begin to think about deciding the next chapter of my life. And yet, I just can't get it out of my head. This is now. This is here. And just when I think I have it out of my head or have made a decision, some new point of interest comes miraculously flooding my mind with doubt, and I begin the process all over again. This is the life I chose. Complete and utter confusion.

17/12/15
There is a big difference between missing home and being homesick. In Jakarta my heart would actually ache and I would sob and cry for everything I desired and missed. I was in pain. I am not homesick. The holidays are simply causing me to miss home. Maybe this song is my theme for 2016:

My First Week in Tivat

I can't believe I've already been here for a week, and at the same time I feel like I've already been here a month. Time for an update I guess.

No filter. I swear it!

I'll start by saying that I love it here! That's not to say it's not going to have it's challenges, or that I always will, but most of the expats I have talked to say the love for this place continues as long as you put in some effort.

5 minute walk from my apartment

My apartment is small, but in a cozy single girl way. It suits me well and reminds me of my place in Albania. The things I'm still looking for are drawers, and kitchen electronics such as a blender and food processor. I have seen these things, but not to the extent where I'm going to have lots of choices. At first I kept thinking I could just wait for larger stores. After going to the supermarket today I realize that there are not choices. I'll purchase these items as soon as I have an income and see them again. Also my landlord is amazing. He's teaching me little bits about the culture, and has already told me he often has friends over to play cards and drink in his "smoke room" (traditional thing I need to learn more about to explain.) He invited me to join in and promised to take me on his boat sometime!

Did I mention we have a huge garden? With 4 pet turtles!

waiting for you....

I also cannot for the life of me find good coffee. Honestly, I didn't realize how spoiled I was in Indonesia. All the coffee here is pre-ground, which is alright for me right now since I don't have my blender, but....it is so fine that it doesn't work very well in my coffee press, unless I wait a long time for it to sink to the bottom. I have actually been relying on instant coffee, which just is not going to cut it once I start work. Espresso is cheap at the cafes, but I don't really want to have to spend 20 minutes stopping to sip coffee on my way to work. Maybe I can work out a deal with the owner of a place to bring them little to-go cups and stop through on my way each morning?

1 Euro!

I'm finding that if you are a little bit warm towards the people they will be warm back. Today I went to the fruit/veg market (I finally found it after talking to fellow expats last night) and once I introduced myself as a teacher the girl at the stall said if I had any questions or needed help to ask her. I'm told it is important to learn a bit of the language just to by kind. So far I still only know thank you. I'm going to try to do 2-3 words a day from now on. I also noticed while the nice restaurants have menus translated in English, the cheaper ones do not. Additionally a lot of the packages at the markets are not translated. So I think learning the words for different foods will be my first task.

7 Euros worth of fresh produce!

Also, I'm going to miss international food. There are no Thai or Indian restaurants here. That being said, I'm looking very forward to getting experimental in cooking.

My school is a bit like the others I've taught it. New, small, and not very organized. I think i'll love it here as the staff seems to be a team who just pull together and make it all work for the best.

And the staff! I cannot get over how warm everyone is. They are so helpful and welcoming. I haven't even met half of them yet. Last night I went out for drinks with the MYP coordinator, and a high school teacher and his wife. We had a great chat and I've already been invited to watch Sunday football with the guys and join in running club. There is a 10K coming up in 3-4 weeks that I just may sign up for as a little motivator.

I thought I started work the first Monday of August, but as it turns out I started a week later, so I ended up taking a little trip to Podgorica, the capital. There wasn't much to do, and it was blazing hot, but it was nice to hang in the hostel and meet travelers who got me thinking about my potential winter break plans.

random bar in Podgorica

Evening stroll in Podgorica Old Town

It was so hot that all I did during my 2 days in Podgorica was drink beer and swim here. 

So far I am loving the people, the wine, and the ease with which moving has come. I'm looking forward to starting work on Monday after a lazy weekend of cleaning, cooking, and organizing.

Where I Belong

It's odd how you can't ever really prepare for a goodbye. You would think I'd be getting this down after all these years of leaving, but it always seems to hit me in different ways.

Albania was mostly excitement and fear. I didn't really have time to deal with the emotions of others. I had no clue what I was getting myself into. I cried when I left, and had a good mental breakdown in Turkey. When I finally arrived at the hotel I just lay awake and cried for hours. Every single day was a struggle until it just wasn't. Honestly, after 9 months I wanted to see everyone, but I had no desire to go home. After 2 weeks in America, I was sick of it.

It was easy to leave for Indonesia. The only real hard part for me was not knowing when I'd see everyone again. I cried a little, but once I was on my way I was perfectly fine. I got there, and loved it instantly. It took awhile for me to realize it wasn't at all what I wanted out of life. I grew bored, and longed for days of exploration and friends with the same views on the world.

After not being home for 2 years, every part of me was aching to see my family and friend again. I thought 4.5 weeks would be far to long. Surprise! It wasn't. I packed my days with all the things I loved about home, and I fell in love with the idea of having a life there. Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe this means that in a few years I'll be ready. My mind was there, but my heart just wasn't.

When I said goodbye this time it was different. It felt wrong. As my niece sobbed when I hugged her I realized how big she was getting. She understood what was happening. It was tough to stomach this. I didn't want to be hurting the people I loved. When I said goodbye to my brother's girlfriend and her kids it was equally difficult. Here was this whole new part of my family I wanted to stick around and get to know. Her daughter even said it wasn't fair she just met me and now I was leaving. My brother took me to the airport and I had a hell of a time dealing with checking in my massive amount of luggage on a machine, while simultaneously trying not to vomit over everything. I said goodbye to Daryn at security and halfway thought the line, thought to myself I could just turn around. I could. It would suck, and be difficult to figure out,  but if I wanted to, I could quit. I held my spot and made it though. Then I found the nearest spot to sit down and bawled my eyes out. I heaved and sobbed, and let the tears run down and soak the front of my shirt. I just lost it, in front of the entire Minneapolis airport. I messaged my mom and my friend and they were both super supportive, but I just did not want to board the plane. 

Lets be real guys I had a rough day. Mostly I just felt like I was going to hurl anytime I moved (due to about 3 too many Surlys, and 2 too many double day trippers, and watching a super cute guy rock out on the mandolin until way too late the night before.) I finally managed to get some fruit down right before my flight from Chicago (which left at 10pm)...thank goodness. Seriously guys...it was a bad one. Next time my going away party needs to be a full day in advance.

The good that came from this was that after I ate dinner on the plane I was actually able to sleep for a full 3-4 hours on and off, which made the flight go super fast. 1 movie with dinner, nap, 30 minutes of reading and one movie with breakfast. My layover in Finland was super fast. Basically I had time to check in with the world, admire the cute men that passed me as I charged my phone for 10 minutes, and time to pee.

I took a brief nap on my 3 hour flight to Croatia and then read/listened to music.

I saw the mountains when we began our decent into Croatia, and I new instantly I was home. For real home. I had some issues with baggage (one got lost) which was annoying, basically because I had no way to contact the driver to make sure he didn't leave without me thinking I was one of those teachers who backed out last minute (which I almost was.) Thank goodness for smartphones: I was able to find the school's information via previous emails. I gave it, and the school phone number, to the lady at the lost baggage desk so that they will be able to ship my last bag when it arrives.

The driver was still patiently waiting and hauled the rest of my luggage to the car. I prepared myself for a drive, but what I got was one incredible feeling after another. I noticed so many little things that made me remember how much I loved my life in the Balkans.

The first was a pig crossing sign. Yep. Then I started to remember this landscape as I noticed the tall pine trees. I forgot how much I loved those. The next sight that made me smile was an old lady walking on the highway carrying what was presumably olive oil, but was more likely homemade rakia (liquor made from grapes.) I remembered all the road trips we took as I noticed the signs that tell you when you are leaving a city rather then letting you know which city you are in. I just couldn't stop smiling. As the diver asked me for my passport to cross the Montenegrin boarder I noticed one of the most beautiful sights in the world: A full moon rose over the mountains and below the city lights twinkled and reflected in the water. At first I wanted to stop and take a picture, and then I realized it was one of those moments I wouldn't be able to capture for anyone else. This one was all mine.

There is something to be said for moments when you feel in your heart that you are right where you are meant to be. Montenegro...prep yourself. I had a small thought of "I should just stay here for a long time."