Knowing

I have had to do a lot of life reflection in the last few years, as I have been hopping around from one country to the next ,about the things I want out of my life. There have come many important decisions. Though some may seem small, sometimes they can make a huge deal!

So, tonight I found out that one of my favorite musicians ever is playing a show in a part of the world I will be in, at the time I will be there. Not the exact city I had planned to be in on that particular date, but just like 4 big cities away. So, of course I dropped everything and started to re-plan my summer. I looked at my finances and was seriously wondering if I could afford to do this AND make my usual triple loan payment for the next two months. Then I got to the point where I just told my brain hole to SHUT UP. The thing that has always gotten me through these tough decisions is opportunities. I follow the good ones and turn down the negative ones. So I booked the damn ticket. And I even let myself spend 5 extra Euros to be 20 rows closer to the stage.

Then I got to talking to my friend about our possible meet up this summer. I am dying (most literally!) to see him. When we discovered that it might not work my initial reaction was "The world is working against us!" but I was surprised with myself and joke reaction. Usually if something like this would have happened in the past, I would have felt extremely sad This time however, I just sort of brushed it off. I'm learning that when things are meant to happen you just know they will work out.

I'm not saying I believe in fate, per se, or a higher power guiding us along our decision making path. But in previous experiences when I make something out to more than it is, it generally isn't that big of a deal. In the long run, I've been ridiculously happy with how my life has turned out.

This feeling wasn't a "everything works out how it is supposed to" feeling. It was more of a "If I want it enough, and continue to pursue it, then it will work out." Something in me knows that this can work.

Yesterday night I laid awake in bed wondering what the next year or so of my life would be like. Basically I reflected on the complications to come next fall as I begin looking at jobs. My phone rang, and as I answered I heard my friend's sweet voice on the other end. It was our first voice to voice conversation (other than singing competitions) since December. There was something in that voice. It got me from wanting and wondering to knowing.

It doesn't matter how complicated I make my life, or what hurdles I have to jump over. The height of the mountain, the size of the ocean, or the length of the valley. I will climb it. I will swim it. I will hike it. Or should I say we?

Musings from Turkey

19/3/16
It has been a long time since I have been properly stared at. It feels weird to be back in a place where I can't blend in. Also, I forgot about my general hatred for airports.

20/3/16
It is amazing how far back this history goes. When I think about the history I have explored in other countries I am amazed at the depth I've been able to dive into in some of them, versus the mere surface I can cover in others. Turkey's is overwhelming. It's making me want to do a full on Middle East Trip.

21/3/16
I take the money I make and use it to buy expereinces. This is one. I am so grateful for every experience i have been able to have.
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All I need right now is a 12 hour bus ride to think. This is bad.
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Some people change your life with simple acknowledgment of their existence. You look at them, see them, and they cause you to appreciate something or work toward something. I wonder if anyone ever sees me in the way. I will make it my new life goal.

23/3/16
I have this inexhaustible desire to spill my deepest darkest secrets to someone. And as always I'm wondering how I can want something I've never had.

24/3/16
I love the looks I get when I go walking somewhere most foreign people don't go. I love leaving civilization behind and the mixed feeling of relief and anger when I have to reconnect with it.
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A year ago, among all the turmoil I never would have thought I'd be here. I long for a decision free life, but know, that everyday I make countless decisions that effect my life. My mind will continue turning.

27/3/16
It is always amazing to walk along in the past life of a place. I can't wrap my head around the history of this place. It goes too far back. How did these things get buried and then found again? And what is left to discover?

Today I visited the burial place of John the baptist, and realized how much christianity is based here in this "muslim country." And what is so incredible is that they have embraced it. Yes they have build mosques nearby, but they have preserved this history and culture rather than destroying it.

I don't know that I can't think of a single Christian who would consider coming here to explore the history of Christianity and it's overlap with Islam. It makes me sad that people can be so judgemental of places without researching them.

28/3/16
You lit a fire. For awhile it burned me, and engulfed me in a suffocating way. But I have emerged from the flames with a fire deep within me. I hope it never leaves because it has made me a stronger, happier person.
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Turkey has surprised me in so many ways. Mostly in good ways. Today our guide described it as a mosaic, and it really is the perfect description. So many worlds meet here, and so much history is engraved in its walls and nature. A plethora of religion, traditions, flavours, styles and cultures. Mountains meet sea and grassland, and dessert. The climate is different one city to the east or west. You can freeze one day and sweat the next. You can hike, lay at a beach, explore ancient worlds, and historical religion.

The kindness and openness of the people has struck me too. At first I was nervous to say I was from America, but with blonde hair and blue eyes and my undeniable accent they would figure it out anyway. People have been so hospitable, helpful, and generous. Turkey will be going back on the list of places to visit. Then again, not many places don't make that list.

Musings from Istanbul

March29th 2016 (Day 1 in Istanbul)
I was wondering why this trip hadn't involved any anxiety attacks. Then we hit the city and I felt like I was back in Jakarta. Complete claustrophobia set in, and I pretty much immediately needed my music to help myself chill out.

This is life. You can't win at everything. This song came on(not my usual type of music) and was perfect for the city and describing what I felt at this moment. I'm in one of those places where I feel like I just have to tread to keep my mind about the water.

As I look at the people around me on the bus I wonder if the six degrees of separation is true. Do I have common connections to these random people?

March 30th 2016
In travels I have found that my favourite parts aren't the tours of beautiful sights or the extreme adventuring. The best days are the ones spent in parks or cafes, people watching and seeing the locals interact. This is the way you really get a taste for a culture.

The tree!

April 1st 2016
I am ashamed of the fear I felt today as I passed 3 armed men and realized that meant I was in a dangerous part of Istanbul.
In reality I instantly thought to myself "I should be staying in this part of the city. I should be facing this fear."
I think that is a sign that, overall I'm growing. As I take a minute to reflect on life I realize that  I'm putting myself in situations that stretch my mind and challenge my physical capabilities. I'm improving my ability to budget and do without "things." And, everyday, I learn a little bit more about who I am and what I want out of life.

April 2nd 2016
More Tom Robbins Love! It's as if this man is my soul mate and understands me so deeply:

"You see, at this juncture in my life I wasn't evolved enough to understand the fluid nature of romantic love (its indifference to human craving for permanence and certainty ); its uncivilized undomesticated nature (less like a pretty melody than a foxish barking at the moon), or, more importantly perhaps, that it's a privilege to love someone, to truly love them; and while it's paradisiacal if she or he loves you back, it's unfair to demand or expect reciprocity. We should consider ourselves lucky, honored, blessed that we possess the capacity to feel tenderness of such magnitude and be grateful even when that love is not returned. Love is the only game in which we win even when we lose." - Tom Robbins, Tibetan Peach Pie

Love is fluid and changing. It is hard to accept the difficult portions of it. This quote makes me recognize yet another reason to live in the present moment. My love for people, and cities, and music, and experiences cannot be the same tomorrow as it is today. That is incredible.
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It sucks when things don't work out the way you want them to, but I am beginning to realize that things always seem to work out in the end. Not always the way you expected, or with the best end results, but they always work out in some way.

When life hands you sad news and you keep smiling through it....that is when you know you have been given something truly incredible. Something worth holding onto.
I was told to guard my heart, but when has "playing it safe" ever gotten anyone anywhere worth going?
I crave unexplored territory: the widest rivers, the highest mountains, and the deepest seas. The wide open countryside, and the teeniest corners of cities.
I crave passion that keeps me striving, joy that distinguishes disappointment, and love worth working for.

Another tree :)

April 3rd 2016
Its great when you return home feeling satisfied with what you could do with the time given to you. Ready to go home to my guitar, some fresh air, laundry, my french press, home cooking, sunsets, and possibly even a bit of ridiculous dancing as I listen to happy corny love songs. Yes, yes and yes!