1. Don't be crippled by the choices you must make. Big ones and little ones. Get out and do. See. Explore. Dwelling on possibilities will not get you anywhere.
2. Drink less. Mighty God! 2015....you were killer. Probably worse than college and Albania. Between stocked up liquor in Jakarta, going home, and Montenegro. Just....yikes.
3. Loans. Pay off that big one...10 grand minimum. Stupid interest.
4. Get better at gutair. Spend at least a few hours a week fumbling around on the thing.
5. Pray. Not because you are religious, but because you can. Not to any one God, but pray for everything you love and believe in.
6. Less TV. More books, and walks, and life.
7. Anxiety habits. Stop them. This was a goal since you were 16.
8. Spend more time staring off into the distance.
9. Listen more. To people, to music, and to silence. I want to learn to appreciate the sound of nothing.
10. I'm not making any weight loss goals, because I'm very appreciative and happy with the body I have. But....I could cut back on sugar, which would probably lead to my clothes fitting better. That'd be nice.
11/11/15
When I first arrived I kept having these little panic attacks where my heart would race and I wouldn't be able to breath for like 10-20 seconds. They would pass and I'd be fine. I sort of forgot about them until Cortney was here and mentioned she was having them too. She attributed it to being in a familiar place that wasn't quite the same. I had another one tonight and thought to myself "could this be reverse culture shock?" Still better than the hours of sobbing I was doing in Jakarta, so I'll take it.
16/11/15
I have this unnerving feeling inside. I know exactly what it is, and I know how I could probably combat it. But for the time being I just want to embrace it for what it is. I have this other feeling too...and it is scary and crazy and I don't know why I'm continuing to dive into it, but the butterflies in my stomach tell me I have no control over it.
19/11/15
The moment you realize that your feelings are too complex to handle. So you breathe them in and breathe them out and let them go. Complicated? Yes, but the smile on my face is so worth all the complications that could possibly come. And as I smile I think to myself, "Oh fuck...here we go again." My heart feels equally light and heavy. My stomach lurches with excitement and fear. Unexpected and wondrous!
26/11/15
Thankful for every confusing step I have taken on this incredible journey. May my beating heart be a reminder of the eminent passing of time. May I never falter from the life i love, and continue to live it with gratitude. Thanksgiving 2015.
2/12/15
Mini panic attack. Crisis averted. Thank you music.
3/12/15
So I was walking home from work today thinking about the boxes I have stored at my parents house for when I decide to start living a "real life" again. And then, suddenly, I started to think about all my favorite travel items. My day pack, my hiking boots, my specific comfy outfits. And suddenly it hit me. Will I ever be ready to have these items sit in storage boxes in a closet of my "real apartment" haunting me with their calls of adventure. Why do I always end up here?
This.
7/12/15
The panic attacks are getting more frequent and lasting longer. I can feel my heart begining to crumble, then comes the shortness of breath followed by an intense feeling to burst into tears. Which, I then can't follow through on. No tears. Is this homesickness? Confusion? Or...is it fear of finally knowing what I want and not knowing how to get it?
13/12/15
I have a year before I need to even begin to think about deciding the next chapter of my life. And yet, I just can't get it out of my head. This is now. This is here. And just when I think I have it out of my head or have made a decision, some new point of interest comes miraculously flooding my mind with doubt, and I begin the process all over again. This is the life I chose. Complete and utter confusion.
17/12/15
There is a big difference between missing home and being homesick. In Jakarta my heart would actually ache and I would sob and cry for everything I desired and missed. I was in pain. I am not homesick. The holidays are simply causing me to miss home. Maybe this song is my theme for 2016:
Wow! Where has time gone? When I left
you Christmas of last year I was planning a life in Singapore, and…. here I am.
In Montenegro. It is incredible how even short term plans don’t seem to work
out when you get to this confusing portion of your life (and by portion I mean all of it), and for that I am
forever grateful.
All I want for Christmas is Sufjan.
I had an amazing time in Australia
meeting all of Matt’s friends and family. I spent Christmas day sipping whiskey
and IPA by the pool, and spent the following few days traveling around Cairns.
Then we headed back to Brisbane where I got to hold a Koala, visit jellyfish
filled beaches, and hike in national parks.
After spending Christmas break in
Australia I came back to Jakarta and began the ultimate job search. I had many
interviews and was highly disappointed when I arrived in Thailand to discover I
had been rejected by my most probable prospect, just on the brink of a 2 week
holiday. I spent a small portion of my amazing spring holiday interviewing,
while traipsing between hostels dressed in bikinis and sundresses. I was happy
to accept the offer for a position in Montenegro during my final few days of
vacation. When I finally received word from my only perspective school in
Singapore, I already had a contract signed and knew I had made the correct
decision.
During
my two weeks in Thailand I also managed to jam in some amazing time in Koh Phi
Phi, Krabi, Chaing Mai and Pai. I have to say that Thailand wins for
best-unplanned trip and random group of travelers I’ve ever met. I’m grateful
forever to the people I met there for salvaging me from what could have been,
one very depressing holiday.
My
last stint in Jakarta was very difficult mostly because I was dealing with some
potentially serious health issues. The doctor there basically told me that I
needed to leave the pollution of Jakarta as soon as possible. I was thankful to
get back to America and have them confirm that my “spotted skin” and potential
autoimmune disease was just temporary. The spots are gone and haven’t come back, and
all I’m left with are a few scars from skin biopsies, and some wasted money on
medical bills and medication.
I
was highly appreciative of my time in America, and spent the majority of it in
the Cities with Daryn and his amazing girlfriend Jenny. We went camping on
Madeline Island for July 4th, and spent most of our nights at live
shows or in the backyard with a campfire burning. I was also lucky enough to be
able to attend the first annual Eau Claires music festival with Teirney and
Leah, and spend a few days post July 4th at a lake house in
Wisconsin hanging with the cutest niece and nephew an auntie could ask for.
After
all my goodbyes I would have to say that this one was the most difficult yet.
After feeling so intensely uncomfortable in Jakarta it was nice to be in a
place where I felt like myself again. Being in a place I belonged led to
confidence that had been lost among the maze of Jakarta. That being said,
though I paused many a time at the airport to contemplate turning around,
staying home and dealing with the consequences, I pushed myself into the ever-knowing
discomfort and fear of living abroad.
After
arriving in Dubrovnik and losing some baggage, I got in a car to begin the 1.5
hour journey to Tivat, Montenegro and felt instantly at home. The Balkans is
where I belong.
I
have been living in Tivat for the last 5 months, and love every bit of life
here. It feels different than my past two homes away from home. It’s a teeny
city where everyone knows everyone, and though there aren’t many places to go,
my small group of friends manages to keep me busy and content. I’m teaching an
older group of students and am therefore able to let my teaching style meander
from the typical well-prepared and structured version I’m used to, to a go with
the flow and let natural learning happen style that I love.
In
October my friend Cortney (who I met in Albania) came to visit for a few weeks
and we were lucky enough to be able to rent a car and road trip through Bosnia
and Croatia. We were able to spend a few repeat days in Mostar reminding
ourselves why we loved it so much and then got out into nature visiting Jajce,
and Plivice Lakes for some wandering and photography.
I
will be spending my 3 week Christmas holiday traveling to Vienna and Prague and
am looking forward to what I know will be a very traditional Christmas, with
markets, hats and scarves, mulled wine, and hopefully snow. You never know what
you are missing until it is gone.
traditional tree photo cause I have a tree!
If
any of you are in the market for an adventure I know a girl. Feel free to swing
by Montenegro.
What I've come to realize in the last year is
home has many definitions for me. It is not only where you are. Home is the
people you love, the life you live, and happiness you experience.
happy life!!
So if you managed to make it through all these musings then you deserve to know the following: I am officially planning to be home in time for Thanksgiving of 2019. Given the first paragraph of this blog you can know to take that with a grain of salt. Love ya'll! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
It's that time of year again. Time for a Thankful list. I do this every year, but usually under a different theme or perspective. This year I'm returning to a 2013 theme of top 10 moments of the past year I am thankful for. It was a rough one, so bear with me. 10. Listening to this song for the first time. It's such a shame you can only experience something for the first time once.
9. Marshfield Clinic- After have some mega freak-outs in Jakarta about my sickness, I was grateful to have some real answers. Or at least some doctors who were taking my situation seriously. I was a complete grown up as I listened to the doctor explain the probable diagnosis, and the procedure I was about to have done. I held it all together as they injected my leg with a numbing agent, took 2 lovely slices of skin out for a biopsy, and explained to me the procedure for preventing infection in the 2 weeks to come. After re-dressing, I emerged from the room just as my mom was arriving. I ran into her arms and started sobbing, partly out of fear and partly out of relief that I finally had some answers coming my way. Thankful for excellent health care and parents who are there for me when I need them the most. 8. Minneapolis Airport- Holy mother of all emotions and hangovers. Thankful for the fact that it would be 2 years before I could have another double day tripper. Amazed at how fortunate I am to have so many people that make saying goodbye this hard, and a home I can always return to.
7. Saying goodbye to Quincey and Kaydence- Quincey and I had an epic talk on the swings about feelings. This was based mostly on the fact that we had just seen the movie Inside Out. I was amazed at his ability to describe for me how he was feeling. "TT, KK is feeling lots of sadness and anger because you are leaving. I'm feeling a little bit of sadness, but mostly happiness because you got to play with me." As I held back tears I told him I was feeling all complete sadness. "It's okay to feel to sadness sometimes." A tear fell from my eye. "I love you TT."Such a sweetie! I had never seen Kaydence cry the way she did when she hugged me goodbye. After all the heartbreak I had been through over the last 6 months, nothing was more heartbreaking than this moment. 6. Sufjan concert- Guys I had waited far to long to see my favorite musician in concert. And yes, I did cry at the lyrics "The past is still the past, the bridge to nowhere." And during John Wayne Gacy. He didn't even play my favorite song....I can't even imagine.
5. Lake Pliva- So, Cortney and I took this epic road trip through Mostar and Croatia. It was incredible for many reasons. One of those being that I got to be with my best friend. Another because we got to get off the beaten touristy trail. When we stopped the car to explore these steps Courtney snapped a picture as I took in the extreme awe. I began to cry at the intense beauty. I just couldn't get over what nature was capable of providing us with.
4. Star gazing in Montenegro- Okay so I can't choose one particular time. This is generally my Friday night after everyone else goes home activity. I grab another beer from the market (terrible decision) and walk somewhere along the bay to look at the stars. I'm so incredibly thankful to be able to even think about doing this. Stars! Whenever I want them! 3. Boat ride in Thailand- I spent the day traveling around to little islands and drinking beers and on the way home while everyone else crammed inside the boat I went to the front and lay down on the bow and looked up at the stars. Even though everything in my life was a complete mess, I knew deep down that in that moment I was insanely happy that the mess had happened, and that I got to find a way to clean it up.
2. The moon on the way to Montenegro- I was so crazy nervous about leaving Minneapolis again. After feeling so out of place in Jakarta, it just felt great to know I was somewhere I belonged, and I really didn't want to lose that feeling again. But when I saw that full moon over the mountains, I knew I was exactly where I belonged.
1. Campfires in Jenny's backyard- If you were at one of these you know what generally happened. One more one more, and sharing all our deepest darkest secrets, while crying completely real tears. I don't remember the majority of these conversations, but I know they were soul mate level ones.
As I finish writing these I notice a theme of crying, and I wrote them I did in fact cry a few tears. Thankful does't even begin to cover what I feel when I look at these moments. Awe-struck would probably be closer. I still don't understand how I am able to live such and incredible life.
I began this blog almost as soon as I arrived in Montenegro. But it
has progressed to more and more and I have struggled to put into words what I
really want it to say. But given the recent state of the world I feel like it is
one that needs to be shared.
Once upon a time I was afraid to love. I was afraid to figure out
what love was supposed to be. I had tried and failed. I moved abroad gained
some self-confidence, and for the first time in a long time I was happy, and
content with my life and who I was becoming.
So when I finally regained my footing and started thinking about letting myself
take a jump into all the unknowns of love I sought the advice of my mother,
which was, at the time, a rare occasion. She gave me the following
advice about love and relationships:
“Serious and not so serious, you are learning from life
experiences. You are always becoming a new person. I still am, and when
someone loves you they allow that. Loving is not about you, it is really about
the other person, and giving the best of you to them to make them a better
person and vice a versa. Someone falls in love with giving themselves to you
and letting you do the same in return. Sometimes it’s amazing and sometimes
it’s really hard.”
I saved this quote because it is some of the best advice I’ve ever
been given.
After ending up single again last April I was surprised at how much happier I
was. How relieved I was to be giving to myself again, and finding the true
parts of myself.
Being home was a big clusterfuck of emotions. I expected the
heartbrokenness to finally hit me, and in some ways it did.I thought I’d be ready to leave again after a
few short weeks to start a new chapter of my life. But…there were unexpected
twists. There was confusion, and talks about my future in America. There were
new and old friends,reminders of
who I truly am, and I regained the belief that I deserved more than what
Jakarta was giving me. I deserved to wake up every morning with a desire to
live, work, eat, move, and breathe. I
felt like I could just make my new start then and there, and be happy. No need
to live out this adventurous life anymore.
When I hugged my niece goodbye she sobbed and sobbed into my
shoulder and I thought to myself “I cannot do this anymore.” My love was taking
and not giving. Later I hugged my mom and dad goodbye and wondered how they
could be so steadily supportive of every step of my life, regardless of it was
a good or bad decision. Their love for me was consistently giving more than my
love for them was.
Later that week I had an epiphany as we were making our way to the
331 club for our third night in a row. Daryn was driving and I saw that
beautiful skyline from 35W and thought to myself how honest and true my mom's
advice from 2 years prior had been. So many people have loved and supported me
in this journey to become who I am. So many have given and given themselves. Was I taking too much and giving nothing in
return? And then I realized that love gives and gives, but there is no love in
the world that gives but doesn't take something in return.
The moon takes darkness to give light. A sunset gives beauty to
take away another day in passing. A tree takes nutrients from the ground to
grow tall and strong. Dancing takes energy to give smiles. A candle uses oxygen
to create a marvelous flame.
Love is certainly about giving yourself to another person, and it
is about sacrificing to make it work. But love also takes.
When tragedies happen in the world it always makes me reflect on
my life. It becomes impossible to not think that this could very well be my
last day of breathing. I wonder if I’m living the way I should be. What is the
most important thing in life? Should I be living closer to family and friends? Or
should I be so bold as to grab my pack take the 2 grand I have to my name and
hit the road and travel the way I desire?
I fear I am taking too much and giving nothing in return.
So to those of you who continue and continue to give your love to
me, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate constantly feeling supported from
thousands of miles away. And you all deserve to know that there is not a day
that goes by that I don't wish I could just be in two places at once. I can
give you nothing but my heart, which is always there, and a promise to not take
too many more selfish years before I come home permanently. Just you know...
one more one more.
The touristy side of Mostar goes like this: Stay at Hostel Majdas.
DO NOT skip the tour. Eat at Hindi Han and the best cevapi place (which is near
Tito’s bridge). Go get beers at Black Dog Pub (they have craft) and be sure to
visit the Sniper Tower and Partisan Memorial.
The other side of this story goes something like this: once you
begin traveling you notice that some places are more enjoyable than others for
a number of reasons. Sometimes it has a lot to do with the people you meet
(thanks Thailand) or the amount of experience you can cram into it (Thanks
Jogjakarta.) But the best places are the ones where you have an instant
connection with the culture and people. You taste the food and feel alive. The
people welcome you into their stories and they touch your hearts. You look
around and see love and beauty. You find bits and pieces of your heart in the
mountains and on the streets, and you leave bits of it behind as well. Mostar
is the first place I visited that felt that way to me, and for that reason I
had to come back.
While on a day tour I learned so much about the history and
culture of this country, and I cannot simply spend time spitting it all back to
you because the tour I went on took 10 hours of stories and talking for me to
get it, plus additional discussions and research. I'll put the main point of it
in simple terms: There was a war in Yugoslavia. Most people know very little or
nothing about it. To be honest, I didn't until I visited this region of the
world.
For those of you who don't know: In 1990 Yugoslavia was a great
world power. After Tito's death Milošević came to power as President of
Serbia. Disagreements began and Slovenia quickly sought independence resulting
in a 10 day long war. Croatia soon followed suit, but their war left a far
longer and greater impact. Eventually they joined forces with Serbia to try and
split Bosnia up, and keep the pieces for themsleves. Citizens were killed,
bridges were broken, genocide was a major part of it, and the UN was highly
responsible for its continuation.
Most people agree that the war ended in December of 1995 when
Bosnia agreed to partitioning a portion of land to be known as "Republika
Srpksa". It didn't.
There are no missiles being fired, there are no bombs being
dropped, the snipers are no longer firing at innocent citizens, but, the war
continues through segregations and fear. People from one side of the city
refuse to interact with people from the other. One side of the city has modern
buildings and green parks while the other suffers to keep its heritage alive.
Kids are taught different history and languages in school. Muslim Bosnians and
Croats who are romantically involved are judged by their family.
The war ended in 1995, when I was just 5 years old, but Bosnia has
been fighting a silent war for 20 years. The remnants of the Yugoslavian war
and are all over the city and they make me sick. The remnants of this
silent war break my heart.
As we leave the city to begin the 10 hour long tour, our guide
points out a large white cross. A little while later he points out some rocks
in the distance that form several letters. Later we are told that the cross is
a Croat symbol of hate towards the Bosnian Muslims. The stones on the other
side are a retaliation.
The letters spell out "B&H me te volimo."
"Bosnia and Herzegnovia we love you" it states. I think this is such
an incredible act. After so many year of fighting, after being treated in
terrible fashion, after bombs, and gunshots, and genocide, these people are
sill capable of offering their love.
And then there is us...Americans. Taking and taking and offering nothing in
return. We shun Muslims for mistakes a few of "them" have made. You
can be an immigrant and work 60 hours a week for less than minimum wage
and we will still judge you for not learning English. We will judge you for terminating
a child you know you cannot afford, but upon convincing you to keep it, we will
refuse financial support. We will shun you for loving someone freely simply
because you share the same genitalia, but will judge you for needing
medication to deal with depression. We will pray for you when you have cancer
but expect you to fork out thousands of dollars to pay for your
own chemotherapy. We will offer you support when you crave it the least
and then turn our backs when it is needed the most.
Where has our love gone?
The day after the tour we return to the dervish house. In this
house Muslims perform whirling dancing to show their devotion to their God.
Many use it as a form of meditation. I choose to perform my own religious act
in the nature that surrounds this surreal place. I sit by the flowing water
whose source remains a mystery and close my eyes. The sound of the water moving
through the river is blood rushing through my veins. I am alive, and breathing.
My heart is thumping and I am grateful for every single beat.
Later in the day we visit a deserted Partisan Memorial. Here lies
the graves of so many who fought for their rights during WWII, and among their broken
flower shaped gravestones are walls of Fascist graffiti. People are heartless
enough to defile this masterpiece. I sit among the deserted beauty and remember
the moment I realized the words to describe this part of the world.
"Hauntingly Beautiful." Still a perfect explanation. You look
around in amazement of the nature and sights.
You listen to stories and attempt
to memorize the history in your mind. You see an old woman smile at you as she
tries to sell fruits at the market. You imagine her part in this history and in
this place. A shiver engulfs your soul. Hauntingly beautiful.
At the snipers nest the feelings are the same. Trees emerge from
the glass that has been shattered on the floor. Hauntingly beautiful. I think
back to a quote I relied on when I was deciding how to pick up the confused,
shattered pieces of my soul that remained in Jakarta. "They tried to bury
us. They didn't know we were seeds."
Throughout the Balkans there is a heavy coffee culture. People
will go to a cafe, and simply sit for 3 hours sipping 1 small espresso. Our
tour guide explained to us that going for coffee with someone is not to be
taken lightly, as in reality there is nothing more intimate than drinking
coffee together. This is something you do with only a true friend.
I feel like I haven't had such an intimate relationship with
anywhere, as much as I do with the Balkans. I want to sit and sip coffee with
it for a long time.
Another night passes and I sleep like a baby. I wake up the next
morning and head out to explore. As I pass into the old town I am overwhelmed
with emotions from the past 2 days of experience and have to stop, sit on the
cement street and let the tears run, as hundreds of people rush pass me to keep
to their busy schedules.
So much has gotten me to this point. So many little events. So
many random encounters. So many planes, buses, boats, and car trips. So many
friends. So much love. So much heartache and homesickness. So many hellos and
goodbyes. I am forever grateful that I have had the pleasure to call this place
home not once, but twice.
