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3/11/16
We have an unspoken language. We both understand the words we refuse to say.

7/11/16
I sit in silence, or the most I can get. The internet is down again due to rain, and none of my devices seem to work to play music. I'm not used to this. I don't often like silence. I look at the pile of dishes, the random items scattered on my floor and wonder why I have spent all day in bed napping when there is so much that needs to be done. But I don't move to clean it, or to finish tackling the massive to do list I began yesterday. I just sit, and take in the sound of the rain pitter-pattering on the window and listen as a car passes. I sip my coffee that has finally been brewed at 6pm and think back to a time in Jakarta when life was not so good and this was everything I once wanted. This ease. Life seems to be in utter chaos right now as I balance work goals, personal goals, and begin to consider what I want next. But taking moments like these make life so much better.

13/11/16

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I think I'd like to spend the rest of my life pouring love into you. 

18/11/16
Sometimes you think you are confused beyond belief, but really, in your heart you know exactly what you want. Sometimes I'm just scared that what I want is out of reach. I have known for 6 months. So I sit down and I take a new approach to achieving this goal. A goal that I'm sure seems silly to some, but means so much to me. No regrets this time. I give it my all.

21/11/16
You asked me if I was scared and I said yes. What I didn't tell you was why. I'm not scared of the first steps, but I'm scared of the decisions that may have to be made if we finally get a chance. I'm worried that I'll say yes, and I end up hating it. I'm worried that if I say no I will spend the rest of my life wondering if it was everything I ever wanted.

27/11/16
Confusion is something I am all too familiar with, but really don't want to deal with for a few years. Too bad it is an essential part of life.

6/12/16
I'm about to turn down a job for the first time ever. And the worst part of it is that it would pay me double what I'm making, pay off my loans in a year, and put me so close. I don't know whether to call this idiotic, smart, pure confusion, or trust. When it's not right it's not right.

15/11/16
Trusting.

Merry Christmas: A Christmas at Home

2016....A year full of madness, pure happiness, and personal growth.

 "There are outlaw maps that lead to outlaw treasure and I love those maps especially. Unwilling to wait for mankind to improve, the outlaw lives as if that day were here. And I love that most of all."

It's silly, but I feel like 2016 is jinxed. In fact as I started applying for jobs in October, part of me hoped I wouldn't be offered anything until the new year, just because my superstitions had kicked in.

Personally, this year has, in a way, been one of the best I have ever had. In other ways it has been completely complicated and horendous.

I started out the New Year in snowy Czech Republic, singing "The Weight" in Czech among random strangers. If that wasn't a signal to what the year would be I don't know what was. Christmas was a fantastic magic wonderland of markets, mulled wine, delicious beer, and cultural exploration with new friends. The theme for the year was quickly decided upon as "Outlaw Maps" as I read "Still Life With Woodpecker" on my trip, and completed a hike on New Years Eve.

After returning to work I began the monotonous lifestyle of coming home and completing online coursework to begin the steps to renew my teaching license.

In late March I took a 2 week trip to Turkey, which exceeded my expectations in so many ways. Turkey is a high priority for the future as there is so much left to explore. It greatly changed my opinion of the "Middle Eastern" part of the world. I'm keen to explore other parts of the Middle East.

I finished out the spring with a few weekends of relaxation on the beaches of Montenegro, and made a quick 5 day weekend trip to Slovenia, which also needs far more attention. The natural beauty of this tiny country is astounding to me.

Summer 2016 brought forth a true dream: 6 full weeks of non-stop travel. The most I had ever travelled prior to this was 3 weeks, and that involved staying at my friends house in between portions. This is no-where near the full 6 month- a year dream I have, but it gave me a true taste for what life on the road was like. Between exploring castles, historical walking tours, couch surfing meet-ups and hikes I found time for simple pleasures such as a good cup of coffee, a good beer, and a few days hanging on the couch of a random hostel.
In summation:
Lithuania: concerts in gardens/ drunken nights/ waffles in the morning
Latvia: solid conversations at the train station, excellent underground pubs
Estonia: street art/ midnight sunsets/ so many tours!
Poland: historical tours/ new friends/ Mountains
Slovakia: I am so fricken tired/ old woman on a speed train
Hungary: no sleep, couchsurfers
Croatia: traveling with parents, I love Montenegro and miss my bed.

I woke up in a complete panic attack my first night back in my bed. After careful contemplation I decided to set some new goals: Mainly, to immerse myself in my school's curriculum in order to grow professionally and to explore the nature around me. I was pretty successful and spent quite a few weekends hiking and/or camping in the nearby mountains. This was all thanks to some new friends I made. How lucky am I ?

I also had the pleasure of attending a professional development seminar in Vienna, which helped me a lot in my ability to implement the school curriculum, and to better assess my students to ensure continued education and personal growth.

I had a short weekend getaway in Belgrade in late October, and began the job search in November. I love living in Tivat and have never been more happy than I am right now. But I also know what is out there career wise, and social life wise. Now that I know who I am, and am happy and content with her, it is time for her to start finding the beat of city life, a job that allows for some more professional development and staff collaboration, and some money to pay off these never-ending student loans.

That being said I don't know where I'll be come July, but for now I'm heading home for my first Christmas in the USA since I left. I'm still feeling a bit nervous about going "home" and having a real home to return to, rather than a home of 2 suitcases and a backpack. I can't wait to partake in my family traditions, get in some good live music, and hug my family and friends.

Here's a little reminder of Christmas from afar:

Thanks to all who have been there to celebrate with me and make me feel loved at the holiday time, and welcome 2017 and the new friends, cities, and experiences you will bring. I am looking so forward to it :)

And since we started the year with a Tom Robbin's quote we shall end there as well: "There is always the same amount of good luck and bad luck in the world. If one person doesn’t get the bad luck, somebody else will have to get it in their place. There’s always the same amount of good and evil, too. We can’t eradicate evil, we can only evict it, force it to move across town. And when evil moves, some good always goes with it. But we can never alter the ratio of good to evil. All we can do is keep things stirred up so neither good nor evil solidifies. That’s when things get scary. Life is like a stew, you have you stir it frequently, or all the scum rise to the top." 

So, Stir it Up!

Thankful 2016: Outlaw Maps

Thus continues one of my favourite traditions: The top 10 moments I am thankful for since last Thanksgiving. I'd like to thank the theme of "Outlaw Maps" for this year.

10. Friendsmas in Prague- Traveling solo can be hard, but sometimes you find a person or group you just click with. I was lucky enough to have this happen twice in Prague. When you meet people who influence your journey in such a positive way it's impossible to not be grateful. I love us!

9. Lake Bled Wanderings- I spent the whole day just walking around the Lake enjoying the beauty and wishing that my life could always be this simple and easy.

8. Theth National Park- I had wanted to go so badly when I lived in Albania, but never quite made it. A beautiful autumn weekend hiking among the colours with new friends.

7. Damien Rice concert, random ride- I should refer to my previous blog, but...basically I had to let go of some serious control issues in a foreign country where I had no idea how to get back to my hostel after the buses stopped running. So making friends with and inspiring random strangers was where it was at!

6. Klet mountain- I love myself because I am able to just try new things. Including going on a hike that there is almost zero information about. And then...it just happens that it is a tradition to hike to the top of it on this particular day. Much enjoyed my time dancing with random Czech dudes. Such a a random cultural experience.

5.Wilco in Kotor- Dancing my drunk ass off to one of my favourite bands ever. In a foreign country that I happen to be living in. Yes. Please.

4.Fire in Lubliana- After a very short, and stressful weekend in Slovenia I was lucky enough to unwind at a traditional "Summer's Day" activity. Drinking beers, listening to live local music, and burning a crazy large fire near a church on the top of hill. Who could ask for more? Fire, Music, Beer, and Culture is exactly what I am seeking.

3.Tatra Mountains- I had a very rough morning of travel that did not go according to plan. But I made it to Zakopane and completed a decently hard hike by myself. Some of the people I met along the way asked me if I was scared to be hiking alone. I realized how much independence I have gained since moving abroad.

2. The Realization-
Sunset. Tivat. And realizing what I ultimately didn't want to admit to myself. Walking home from Porto beaming after texting my mom, because I had to tell SOMEONE.

1. Comment about mom with backpack- So, on the final day of my summer travel I was on a ferry with my parents and noticed a woman carrying an ULTRA LARGE backpack as her 5? year old daughter follower her around holding a doll. I told my mom that someday, that would potentially be me. My mom said it could never ever be me, and I frowned at her in disappointment at her close mindedness.
Only, then, she said something that really inspired and encouraged me. She said, "That could never be you, because your daughter will have her own backpack on her back." That right there is everything I wish and hope for.

And here is to next years theme of "Trusting Things Beyond Mistake."

If These Walls Could Talk

Oh yeah...

So while I was traveling in the Baltics this summer I had a very emotional response to a deserted prison I visited. The following day I went to yet another desert prison where the guard actually locked me in a cell for about 10 seconds.

One night while enjoying a delicious beer I ended up writing a very sad poem. I used to write a lot of shit poetry back in high school, but haven't really written any since. I know this is likely crap, but it was a such an emotional break though during my trip that I figured I should save it.

I had actually forgotten about this until I came across it last evening while enjoying a few beers at home.

If these walls could talk

The description they would cower

Of a man in uniform

Drunk with the power

Of enforcing his rules on everyone.

If these walls could talk

They would surely scream

About the locked up prisoner

Dying to dream

Of a hopeful future of joy and love.

If these walls could talk

The narrative they would speak

Of the shiny tear

That began to leak

From the eyes of the girl who felt too many aches.

If these walls could talk

The story they would say

There was a woman who sat

Down on the rock to pray

For the world to learn from its past mistakes.

If these walls could talk

They would gladly confess

About the teenager

With a backpack and odd dress

Holding cans of paint, an empty wall cured.

If these walls could talk

They would kindly inform

Of the plants that wriggled through

Hard concrete to be born

Bringing beauty to the ugly and feared.

If these walls could talk

The tale they would tell

Of a traveling girl

Who completely fell

In love with the abandoned beauty.

Musings from Belgrade

26/10/16
I have realized that far too often I look at people, but don't see them at all.
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I wonder which pictures I will print to hang my house someday. Which experiences will by worthy?
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Looking out this speeding train window wondering where I'll be a year from now, but not feeling lost. I am so grateful to just simply be trusting what I've been given.

27/11/16
The world keeps telling us no, but I just want to say yes.
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I love searching for comfort in discomfort.

28/10/16
I have met many interesting people on this trip, but they all seem to be leaving or already in a large group. I love traveling solo, but man-oh-man is it exhausting.

29/10/16
Suddenly the thing I most want to be is tequila.
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I want to write you a love song with my life.
I have a rule. 3 months is just fun, but longer that 6 months is something.
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Now that I have found my heart beat among the calmness of the mountains, it is time to find it among the chaos of the city. I love you Tivat, but it is time for something different.

30/10/16
I would rather spend my whole life cheering with you and losing, than winning every game. Go Pack Go!
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One different decision and my whole life would be unrecognizable.
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Some days I feel too much and others I feel nothing at all.

Untitled #5

12/7/16
I woke up last night and freaked out because I had no idea where I was. I have been sleeping in random beds in random cities for the last 6 weeks, but my first night back here I freak out. I'm not sure what it means, if it means anything, but I do know that it scares me.

I cannot unpack. It seems a struggle and as I finish putting the last item from my pack away I just grab it and hold it tight to myself. I'm never going to be able to give this up for the other side of my dreams. I can't have life both ways.

14/7/16
I hurt, and I want so badly to cry, but I'm so confused about all these emotions right now that I can't. I wonder if I erased you from my life, if I could just pretend like you never happened. Like I didn't make this mistake again.

21/8/16
I know what it is like to be somewhere and need a temporary dream. I can't blame you for letting me be yours.

24/8/16
It is amazing to me how something that is happening to your present can help you work through issues you didn't even know existed from your past.

28/8/16
Today on the way home from a wonderful weekend, one guy pointed out that all that really matters in life is finding someone who is willing to sit by a campfire and look at stars with you. I understood what he was saying, but...if only it was that easy.

12/9/16
When my heart is breaking and my eyes are heavy I know I just need an hour by the seaside watching and feeling the sun. I'm not going to have this opportunity everywhere.

14/9/16
I just re-read what I have written since being back and it sounds like I am depressed or something. I'm not. Life is incredible and I'm speeding along, perfectly content, but in a way that makes me want to simply write down these random feelings for remembrance.

16/9/16
Tonight I needed a moment to myself. I've needed a lot of these recently. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I have a group of extremely loud extroverted students this year, or if I'm just dealing with some kind of emotional baggage, but I've learned how to recognize this desire and I'm happy about it. So after the family potluck at work and beers with co workers I grabbed one more and headed to "my dock" to watch the stars and reflect on my life. I know I don't label myself as "christian" but I need to listen to more hymns. There is something in the history and melody of them that gives me some kind of intimate joy.

22/9/16 (Vienna)
I love the hum of a pub. That eagerness of people to meet and chat about their day. The excitement that comes with the ability to let it all go for a few hours, have a beer (or 4) and just be yourself. Such a human activity
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It is so clear that while I love Tivat, and there is a large part of me there, it ISN'T where I am meant to be. If I can be this happy somewhere I'm not actually fully happy in....just imagine the possibilities.
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How different my life would be if...
the completion of that statement require different opportunities than I was given. And I'm so happy that I don't have regrets about the opportunities I was given.
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Sometimes when I think about you I'm just angry about how much it all hurt me. But then I think back to all the little ways you tried to save my soul when it was dying and screaming and I realize how much our  failure was actually the result of my faults. I don't know how I'm still dealing with this crap. Maybe because I chose to ignore it for so long.

29/9/16
I'm not sure what would be different, but I know you are right. It WOULD be different. So now....when people ask me about my biggest regret I will finally have one.

I'm not sad about it. I'm screaming on the inside, because regardless of my mistake I'm happy. I'm mad at the universe for  not offering  the opportunities we deserved. Yet I know I can't fix it, so I swallow the anger back and do what life has taught me to do. I leave the regret behind and focus on the next opportunity in hopes that I won't miss it.

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I coil under the pressure as what started out as unsure in August becomes a colossal ocean of confusion. All the questions shout out their queries, but I haven't the slightest idea where to how to find the answers. I am oddly contented by this state of emotional turmoil.

30/9/16
You know you are ready when you no longer think about how someone can make you happy, but you picture the smile on your face emanating their smile. I don't want to be one of those girls who is searching for the perfect one, but I'm hoping that now that I know who I am and what I want he just happens to fall in my lap.

11/10/16
Funny...I chose this job because I thought it would be the perfect thing to allow me to have a family life. Yet somehow, it seems to be moving me further away from that dream.

13/10/16
It's starting. I can feel that itch. That need to be somewhere else that isn't here. Haven't reached my breaking point yet, but I need to find something to throw myself into. The books, yoga, guitar, exercise, job search and weekend travel plans just aren't working.

21/10/16
One of those days I feel grateful. I was able to plan a week of super interested lessons exploring bridges. After school I talked to a mom about her school experience in South Africa. Then while walking to make coffee I managed to hear a mother yelling at her child in French, and passed a group of Russians students practising traditional Russian dancing.  I don't know how I'm going to ever leave this life...

Musings from Croatia

Day 34 (4/8/16)- Train to Zagreb
I love trains!
Also, I miss my balcony, my guitar, and my garden and usual Friday night Black Sheep and clubhouse. I'm coming Tivat....
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There is something to be said for listening to your music as the world is passing in the window next to you.
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This is the first time I can see legit changes in who I am. When did I become calm, cool and collective? Able to collect my thoughts inside and keep my distance from stress and emotion. I like this version of myself. I think I'll keep her.

Day 35 (5/8/16)- Zagreb
My dad said "This is as bad as the lines at a Packer game," as we dealt with tourist lines, and my mom said "This is such a me day" as we hiked outside past waterfalls. In these momentsI became very grateful for my roots and the influence they had on me. My parents and I don't have a lot in common, but the things we do are pretty awesome, and have greatly shaped me.
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I am starting to realize how stressful life is going to be when I get home. I'm feeling completely ready to conquer it and simultaneously so not wanting to.
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At any given moment we can have so many various outlooks on life. Depending on who we are with, what we are under the influence of, and mostly our attitude. It is dumbfounding. I refuse to be anything but amazed with the world around me.

Day 36 (6/8/16)- Zagreb
I am realizing how much more than love goes into a marriage and I worry I will never find anything close enough to get me through. I'm just a cactus tree being free.

Day 37 (7/8/16)- Transfer to Split
I am so ready to touch my guitar, to hug my bartender, and sleep in my bed. I want to make coffee in my mug and eat off my own plate. And laundry. And sunsets. I miss my friends. I'm ready to go home and with each mountain we pass it is clearer where "home" is. I will be single for forever in Montenegro.
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Sometimes you don't realize how hight the mountain is until you have climbed it, admired the view, and then have to make your decent. And I'm not referring to a literal mountain.

Day 38 (8/8/16) Split
My home is with the trees and skies above me.

Day 39 (9/8/16) Split
I am starting to crave Montenegro in the most obvious way. And the worst part is that I am starting to wonder if I'm meant to stay there for forever. In all honesty, every time I travel I get further and further from ever wanting to go home Yet I keep wondering if I'm really screwing myself for the other part of the life I want by staying. I'm just not sure if I can ever see myself not traveling. I'm also wondering about taking this plunge of long term travel. Will I be too old when I can finally afford to do it?
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I chose this lonely life. I hate it, and yet with everything in me I am so content to just be here and now. Little stresses are nothing and I'm just learning that "Trusting Things Beyond Mistake" is my new motto. Mistakes are all part of this journey.
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Every time my parents visit you can tack on more time abroad because they make me remember all the reasons I love my life abroad so much. They make me want to travel while I am young and open-minded. See ya in 20 years USA...

The most beautiful thing I have ever read...

Day 41 (11/8/16) Supetar
I am so confused. I seems every time I get settled in a place it is time to decide if and where I want to go next. I just can't settle.
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I am anxious to be home, and not at all ready for what the next 2 months is. I don't know what emotion to feel, so I think I just do "distraction" until I have to face the emotions that have been beating in my heart for the last 6 weeks. I won't feel what I need to feel, because I refuse to ever be broken the way I was before again.

I only have long distance relationships it would seem. Odd...and yet, I am so thankful for all of them.

Day 42 (12/8/16)
Wow. 42 days of travel. I managed to only lost a raincoat and jacket. I was only stranded like twice, and I managed to come out more than 100 Euros ahead of budget. Can I say I'm proud? Is that narcissistic? I am amazed as how much I have grown since I first set off on this grand adventure 4 years ago, and I can't imagine my life any other way.

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Today on the ferry I saw a mom carrying an extra large backpack while holding her daughters hand. I marveled at how that could, one day, be me. My mom said it couldn't, because I'd make my daughter carry her own pack. An honest statement.

And that sums up this trip. Once again I'm feeling completely lost when it comes to my future decisions, but so thankful for where this journey has and will continue to take me. Trusting things beyond mistake. I'm ready for the next tattoo....