Thanksgiving 2015

It's that time of year again. Time for a Thankful list. I do this every year, but usually under a different theme or perspective. This year I'm returning to a 2013 theme of top 10 moments of the past year I am thankful for. It was a rough one, so bear with me.

10. Listening to this song for the first time. It's such a shame you can only experience something for the first time once.

9. Marshfield Clinic- After have some mega freak-outs in Jakarta about my sickness, I was grateful to have some real answers. Or at least some doctors who were taking my situation seriously. I was a complete grown up as I listened to the doctor explain the probable diagnosis, and the procedure I was about to have done. I held it all together as they injected my leg with a numbing agent, took 2 lovely slices of skin out for a biopsy, and explained to me the procedure for preventing infection in the 2 weeks to come. After re-dressing, I emerged from the room just as my mom was arriving. I ran into her arms and started sobbing, partly out of fear and partly out of relief that I finally had some answers coming my way. Thankful for excellent health care and parents who are there for me when I need them the most.

8. Minneapolis Airport- Holy mother of all emotions and hangovers. Thankful for the fact that it would be 2 years before I could have another double day tripper. Amazed at how fortunate I am to have so many people that make saying goodbye this hard, and a home I can always return to.

7. Saying goodbye to Quincey and Kaydence-
Quincey and I had an epic talk on the swings about feelings. This was based mostly on the fact that we had just seen the movie Inside Out. I was amazed at his ability to describe for me how he was feeling. "TT, KK is feeling lots of sadness and anger because you are leaving. I'm feeling a little bit of sadness, but mostly happiness because you got to play with me." As I held back tears I told him I was feeling all complete sadness. "It's okay to feel to sadness sometimes." A tear fell from my eye. "I love you TT."Such a sweetie!
I had never seen Kaydence cry the way she did when she hugged me goodbye. After all the heartbreak I had been through over the last 6 months, nothing was more heartbreaking than this moment.

6. Sufjan concert- Guys I had waited far to long to see my favorite musician in concert. And yes, I did cry at the lyrics "The past is still the past, the bridge to nowhere." And during John Wayne Gacy. He didn't even play my favorite song....I can't even imagine.

5. Lake Pliva- So, Cortney and I took this epic road trip through Mostar and Croatia. It was incredible for many reasons. One of those being that I got to be with my best friend. Another because we got to get off the beaten touristy trail. When we stopped the car to explore these steps Courtney snapped a picture as I took in the extreme awe. I began to cry at the intense beauty. I just couldn't get over what nature was capable of providing us with.

4. Star gazing in Montenegro- Okay so I can't choose one particular time. This is generally my Friday night after everyone else goes home activity. I grab another beer from the market (terrible decision) and walk somewhere along the bay to look at the stars. I'm so incredibly thankful to be able to even think about doing this. Stars! Whenever I want them!

3. Boat ride in Thailand- I spent the day traveling around to little islands and drinking beers and on the way home while everyone else crammed inside the boat I went to the front and lay down on the bow and looked up at the stars. Even though everything in my life was a complete mess, I knew deep down that in that moment I was insanely happy that the mess had happened, and that I got to find a way to clean it up.

2.  The moon on the way to Montenegro- I was so crazy nervous about leaving Minneapolis again. After feeling so out of place in Jakarta, it just felt great to know I was somewhere I belonged, and I really didn't want to lose that feeling again. But when I saw that full moon over the mountains, I knew I was exactly where I belonged.

1. Campfires in Jenny's backyard- If you were at one of these you know what generally happened. One more one more, and sharing all our deepest darkest secrets, while crying completely real tears. I don't remember the majority of these conversations, but I know they were soul mate level ones.

As I finish writing these I notice a theme of crying, and I wrote them I did in fact cry a few tears. Thankful does't even begin to cover what I feel when I look at these moments. Awe-struck would probably be closer. I still don't understand how I am able to live such and incredible life.

Give and Take

I began this blog almost as soon as I arrived in Montenegro. But it has progressed to more and more and I have struggled to put into words what I really want it to say. But given the recent state of the world I feel like it is one that needs to be shared.

Once upon a time I was afraid to love. I was afraid to figure out what love was supposed to be. I had tried and failed. I moved abroad gained some self-confidence, and for the first time in a long time I was happy, and content with my life and who I was becoming.

So when I finally regained my footing and started thinking about letting myself take a jump into all the unknowns of love I sought the advice of my mother, which was, at the time, a rare occasion.  She gave me the following advice about love and relationships:

“Serious and not so serious, you are learning from life experiences. You are always becoming a new person. I still am, and when someone loves you they allow that. Loving is not about you, it is really about the other person, and giving the best of you to them to make them a better person and vice a versa. Someone falls in love with giving themselves to you and letting you do the same in return. Sometimes it’s amazing and sometimes it’s really hard.”

I saved this quote because it is some of the best advice I’ve ever been given.

After ending up single again last April I was surprised at how much happier I was. How relieved I was to be giving to myself again, and finding the true parts of myself.

Being home was a big clusterfuck of emotions. I expected the heartbrokenness to finally hit me, and in some ways it did.  I thought I’d be ready to leave again after a few short weeks to start a new chapter of my life. But…there were unexpected twists. There was confusion, and talks about my future in America. There were new and old friends, reminders of who I truly am, and I regained the belief that I deserved more than what Jakarta was giving me. I deserved to wake up every morning with a desire to live, work, eat, move, and breathe.  I felt like I could just make my new start then and there, and be happy. No need to live out this adventurous life anymore.

When I hugged my niece goodbye she sobbed and sobbed into my shoulder and I thought to myself “I cannot do this anymore.” My love was taking and not giving. Later I hugged my mom and dad goodbye and wondered how they could be so steadily supportive of every step of my life, regardless of it was a good or bad decision. Their love for me was consistently giving more than my love for them was.

Later that week I had an epiphany as we were making our way to the 331 club for our third night in a row.  Daryn was driving and I saw that beautiful skyline from 35W and thought to myself how honest and true my mom's advice from 2 years prior had been. So many people have loved and supported me in this journey to become who I am. So many have given and given themselves.  Was I taking too much and giving nothing in return? And then I realized that love gives and gives, but there is no love in the world that gives but doesn't take something in return.

The moon takes darkness to give light. A sunset gives beauty to take away another day in passing. A tree takes nutrients from the ground to grow tall and strong. Dancing takes energy to give smiles. A candle uses oxygen to create a marvelous flame.

Love is certainly about giving yourself to another person, and it is about sacrificing to make it work. But love also takes.

When tragedies happen in the world it always makes me reflect on my life. It becomes impossible to not think that this could very well be my last day of breathing. I wonder if I’m living the way I should be. What is the most important thing in life? Should I be living closer to family and friends? Or should I be so bold as to grab my pack take the 2 grand I have to my name and hit the road and travel the way I desire?

I fear I am taking too much and giving nothing in return.

So to those of you who continue and continue to give your love to me, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate constantly feeling supported from thousands of miles away. And you all deserve to know that there is not a day that goes by that I don't wish I could just be in two places at once. I can give you nothing but my heart, which is always there, and a promise to not take too many more selfish years before I come home permanently. Just you know... one more one more.

Mostar: Hauntingly Beautiful

The touristy side of Mostar goes like this: Stay at Hostel Majdas. DO NOT skip the tour. Eat at Hindi Han and the best cevapi place (which is near Tito’s bridge). Go get beers at Black Dog Pub (they have craft) and be sure to visit the Sniper Tower and Partisan Memorial.

The other side of this story goes something like this: once you begin traveling you notice that some places are more enjoyable than others for a number of reasons. Sometimes it has a lot to do with the people you meet (thanks Thailand) or the amount of experience you can cram into it (Thanks Jogjakarta.) But the best places are the ones where you have an instant connection with the culture and people. You taste the food and feel alive. The people welcome you into their stories and they touch your hearts. You look around and see love and beauty. You find bits and pieces of your heart in the mountains and on the streets, and you leave bits of it behind as well. Mostar is the first place I visited that felt that way to me, and for that reason I had to come back. 

While on a day tour I learned so much about the history and culture of this country, and I cannot simply spend time spitting it all back to you because the tour I went on took 10 hours of stories and talking for me to get it, plus additional discussions and research. I'll put the main point of it in simple terms: There was a war in Yugoslavia. Most people know very little or nothing about it. To be honest, I didn't until I visited this region of the world.

For those of you who don't know: In 1990 Yugoslavia was a great world power. After Tito's death Milošević  came to power as President of Serbia. Disagreements began and Slovenia quickly sought independence resulting in a 10 day long war. Croatia soon followed suit, but their war left a far longer and greater impact. Eventually they joined forces with Serbia to try and split Bosnia up, and keep the pieces for themsleves. Citizens were killed, bridges were broken, genocide was a major part of it, and the UN was highly responsible for its continuation.

Most people agree that the war ended in December of 1995 when Bosnia agreed to partitioning a portion of land to be known as "Republika Srpksa". It didn't.

There are no missiles being fired, there are no bombs being dropped, the snipers are no longer firing at innocent citizens, but, the war continues through segregations and fear. People from one side of the city refuse to interact with people from the other. One side of the city has modern buildings and green parks while the other suffers to keep its heritage alive. Kids are taught different history and languages in school. Muslim Bosnians and Croats who are romantically involved are judged by their family.

The war ended in 1995, when I was just 5 years old, but Bosnia has been fighting a silent war for 20 years. The remnants of the Yugoslavian war and are all over the city and they make me sick.  The remnants of this silent war break my heart. 

As we leave the city to begin the 10 hour long tour, our guide points out a large white cross. A little while later he points out some rocks in the distance that form several letters. Later we are told that the cross is a Croat symbol of hate towards the Bosnian Muslims. The stones on the other side are a retaliation. 

The letters spell out "B&H me te volimo." "Bosnia and Herzegnovia we love you" it states. I think this is such an incredible act. After so many year of fighting, after being treated in terrible fashion, after bombs, and gunshots, and genocide, these people are sill capable of offering their love. 

And then there is us...Americans. Taking and taking and offering nothing in return. We shun Muslims for mistakes a few of "them" have made. You can be an immigrant and work 60 hours a week for less than minimum wage and we will still judge you for not learning English. We will judge you for terminating a child you know you cannot afford, but upon convincing you to keep it, we will refuse financial support. We will shun you for loving someone freely simply because you share the same genitalia, but will judge you for needing medication to deal with depression. We will pray for you when you have cancer but expect you to fork out thousands of dollars to pay for your own chemotherapy. We will offer you support when you crave it the least and then turn our backs when it is needed the most. 

Where has our love gone?

The day after the tour we return to the dervish house. In this house Muslims perform whirling dancing to show their devotion to their God. Many use it as a form of meditation. I choose to perform my own religious act in the nature that surrounds this surreal place. I sit by the flowing water whose source remains a mystery and close my eyes. The sound of the water moving through the river is blood rushing through my veins. I am alive, and breathing. My heart is thumping and I am grateful for every single beat. 

Later in the day we visit a deserted Partisan Memorial. Here lies the graves of so many who fought for their rights during WWII, and among their broken flower shaped gravestones are walls of Fascist graffiti. People are heartless enough to defile this masterpiece. I sit among the deserted beauty and remember the moment I realized the words to describe this part of the world. "Hauntingly Beautiful." Still a perfect explanation.  You look around in amazement of the nature and sights. 

You listen to stories and attempt to memorize the history in your mind. You see an old woman smile at you as she tries to sell fruits at the market. You imagine her part in this history and in this place. A shiver engulfs your soul. Hauntingly beautiful.

At the snipers nest the feelings are the same. Trees emerge from the glass that has been shattered on the floor. Hauntingly beautiful. I think back to a quote I relied on when I was deciding how to pick up the confused, shattered pieces of my soul that remained in Jakarta. "They tried to bury us. They didn't know we were seeds." 

Throughout the Balkans there is a heavy coffee culture. People will go to a cafe, and simply sit for 3 hours sipping 1 small espresso. Our tour guide explained to us that going for coffee with someone is not to be taken lightly, as in reality there is nothing more intimate than drinking coffee together. This is something you do with only a true friend.

I feel like I haven't had such an intimate relationship with anywhere, as much as I do with the Balkans. I want to sit and sip coffee with it for a long time. 

Another night passes and I sleep like a baby. I wake up the next morning and head out to explore. As I pass into the old town I am overwhelmed with emotions from the past 2 days of experience and have to stop, sit on the cement street and let the tears run, as hundreds of people rush pass me to keep to their busy schedules. 

So much has gotten me to this point. So many little events. So many random encounters. So many planes, buses, boats, and car trips. So many friends. So much love. So much heartache and homesickness. So many hellos and goodbyes. I am forever grateful that I have had the pleasure to call this place home not once, but twice. 

This love is hauntingly beautiful. 

Untitled Number One

25/07/15

Freaking out and it doesn't matter. Odd and amazing. Holding back tears of excitement and fear and sadness.

Dear Jakarta...you sucked the life out of me....

1/07/15

Keep thinking "what if I can't find *insert random thing I can live without*?" Then I take a walk to find such things and fall in love with the beauty of the landscape. Plants and vegetation surround me and there are mountains in the distance and an ocean a short walk away. The people here seem friendly and I'm living in a cute apartment that feels like home. I can adjust and live without. I'm already to that place where I feel like this should be forever. 

2/08/15

So when I was cleaning out boxes a few weeks ago one of the "little treasures" I came across was a small glass globe I had in college. I have no idea where I got it or why, but I do remember it sitting on my book shelf reminding me that there was a whole world out there. When I found it I held it close to my chest and my mom asked me what it was. "My first globe," I responded. As if it was that simple. Last night I dreamt that one of my boxes from home ended up in my suitcase and the globe was in it. When I remembered the dream this morning it made me feel happy and content. My home is the world, and it is an amazing place. 

03/08/15

Remember that time in Kotor when I joked about how I wanted to move to Montenegro? And remember how we go super drunk that night and shared all our dreams looking at stars over the ocean? I have habits of spending time drunk looking at stars don't I? 

13/8/15

I keep having these little moments of extreme sadness. I can't figure out what they are about, which is a little nerve racking. I just feel my eyes welling up for no reason and then before I can really even think about the emotion it is gone.

24/8/15
Yep....I'm never coming home.

14/9/15
I just had my first little stroke of homesickness. And surprisingly it had nothing to do with craving beer or fall weather. I just don't understand how I ended up living this life so far away from the people I love. Homesickness has everything to do with people. So why don't you all just move here???

22/9/15
I am loving EVERY bit of being here. The teaching is challenging me, but not crazy exhausting. I have options for social life. There are girls who enjoy drinking, people who like eating, boys who like watching football, and city life is a short bus ride/drive away if I begin to crave it. I have my own little space to do "me time." And every time I start to wonder if I actually like it here something pulls me back to happiness. I hope this lasts....and lasts...and lasts. So much happiness in my world. So much ease.

1/10/15
4 years ago I was totally lost. 3 years ago I thought I belonged in Albania. 2 years ago I thought I belonged in Jakarta. A year ago I thought I belonged WITH someone, no matter where that was. Now I know where I belong, and I know EVENTUALLY I will be there. But I'm content with where I am now. Last night my mom said she was so glad I was happy. I said it was the honeymoon phase, but she said it was more. Something in me is just different here. It's like I'm not who I expected I'd be but I'm exactly who I am MEANT to be.

As I hopped out of our car on the side of the highway to capture a photo of our soon-to-be coffee and appetizer location for the night my co-worker described me as "Genki" In Japanese this means someone who is keen and happy to do EVERYTHING. This is the perfect description for me here, and I hope this continues to be true. If someone messages me to do something the answer is yes. When abroad this is the only way to do life. At least until you get too exhausted to handle it all.

6/10/15
No.....not okay. And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

9/10/15
You make these plans for yourself to do certain things at certain times. Living abroad at age 25 was not one of those plans. You let go, accept yourself and become who you were meant to be. And life takes your breath away when you least expect it to. I'm 6 weeks into teaching (1/12th of the way done by the way...how?), 2 weeks from vacation with my best friend around old stomping grounds, and I've been here for 2.5 months. I remember that at one time in Indonesia I felt like it was the happiest I'd ever been. I'm not sure I'd say I'm quite there yet. I have a few personal goals to work on and a little self confidence to build before I get to that point. But I can say that this has been the fastest progression from sinking feeling, to inexplicable happiness, so that has to be a damn good start! I've been telling all sorts of people to please come visit. My couch isn't the greatest, but it does the job. And I have a huge veranda, so bring along your camping gear and set up a tent there :P

Lonely Soldier

Back in college we had a theme every year, which was decided when we were in complete inebriated states on New Years Eve. "Rocking like a Sink" fit in perfectly with my year of parties, "There and Back Again" was absolutely a year of journeys. They seemed to describe my life perfectly. 

Once I left home I lost track of the theme, but about a year ago I was going through a really rough time with living abroad. Being me, I decided to head to the gym to work out my issues on some cardio machinery. As I pumped my legs to song after song, Coldplay's "Lost" came on which was followed by Sufjan's version of "I'm a Little Lost". I decided that my life had become a long line of themes.  2013's theme was "Zeros and Ones" (thanks Robert and gin) and 2014's would be "Lost." Since I was in such a terrible place the plan was to focus on this theme and find parts of it in my everyday life to shove away, so I could eventually leave them all behind. I got pretty far in my song list, and read a few quotes and poems, trying to move past it, and into another theme. Life at the start of 2015 got sooooo complicated, that  I never officially moved completely away from the theme of "Lost." Until tonight. 

Its hard to believe that it has been almost 2 months of living here, and it's hard to believe that it has been 3 months since I left my last home, in Jakarta. Tonight, as I walked along with gloomy rain-laden clouds above me, and an orange sunset painted sky in front of me, I began reflecting on the last 5 pivotal months, and the transformation they have had on my life. I remembered the people I met in Thailand and the friends I saw when I was home, and I thought back to the reminders they gave me of who I truly am, and the fact that I deserve more than what Jakarta was giving me. I deserve to wake up every morning with a desire to live, work, eat, move, and breathe. 

While I walked along, my new theme popped into my head and I created a note on my phone (as if it was a forgettable  moment..) And so, it is with my pleasure, that I have discovered my own personal theme for this, and hopefully next year:

"Lonely Soldier" 

Now before you start thinking about how depressing that may sound, let me clue you into why this is the chosen theme. Last April, after returning from Thailand I realized how much relationships make me desperately crazy. Whenever I get myself into this situation I seem to feel like I'm stuck in a "we" bubble, and I can't get out of it. All the happiest points of my life have been when I'm single. 

Secondly, I am a true introvert who is crazy about "me time." Most of my favorite activities involve me, chilling, listening to music, and pursing some ridiculous hobby. Why not continue to pursue these interests, even though they tend to lead nowhere.

Thirdly, there is no way in hell I'm going to find a man in Tivat. (And I am grateful for this)

Also, I am a huge Damien Rice fan and he has a song called Lonely Soldier, which I fell madly in love with a few weeks ago. He also has another song with some incredible lyrics that state "I'm just another lonely soldier on the road to nowhere," which I have considered lyrics to live by for quite some time now. 

Lastly, please do not take this new life theme to mean that I am lonely here. To the contrary. I have a larger plethora of friends than I did in Jakarta and I am constantly involved in after school dinner clubs, movie nights, football nights, happy hours, ect. I feel like I have never felt so much instantly at home in a city as I have here, and that is saying a lot. 

I am pretty happy in Montenegro so far, and though there are a few things I wish I could change, I am living my life to its fullest point. My mom hadn't heard from me in awhile and messaged me to ask how life was going and I replied with: 

"Everything is great! Lots of work to do, but I'm living in the moment, which is very different for me. I can't help but give into the joy of the day-to-day. So much to do and see."

So happy (almost) 2 months of being here to me, and may the joy last past the 3 month honeymoon phase of Jakarta. 

Running trails, bikes, and rails

I am sitting on a stoop writing this blog. It's been a day. A day I needed, a day I was partially dreading and a day of the truest emotions I've been able to comprehend for awhile.

My favorite place in the world. 

I woke up this morning after one too many beers and thought to myself: Hey this is life. You only have a few days left in this city so get up and just go. So I did.

Can you understand why...

I went to one of my favorite spots for breakfast and then headed to my old running trail for to meet up with my old running buddy and see what was new. So much had changed, and so much was the same. We reminisced about all our past memories and crazy experiences of the area as we caught up on where we both were now. I took pictures along the way to remind myself how incredible this city is. 

Little Bridges 

Then I headed to the university area and walked around Dinkytown noticing how the new parts of it reminded me so much of everything I hated in Indonesia.

35-W bridge

I rode my bike with the intention of just driving past my old place and continuing on, but something stopped me. There was so much more in this neighborhood than I ever knew. I started to remember things and I zigzaged up and down streets. I found myself becoming nostalgic about the bike path I took to work. 

Mill City 

The house where I had my first drink. The place where I almost broke up with my first boyfriend after too much whiskey. The place with the double kegger. The door he snuck out of. The alley I smiled too much in.  The house where I won flip cup. The place my friend did her first keg stand. The spot where I went on that random date. The places of first kisses. The house where I lost my glasses...and underwear. The coffeehouse I studied in. The dog that would run up to that fence to meet me on my afternoon runs. The spot where I realized my ankle was seriously hurt and I wouldn't be able to run the half marathon. The place where I did my processing. The place where I fell apart. The place where I knew I wanted to be whole again. The place I made dreams I will never fulfill. The place I made new dreams. The sidewalk where I told my mom I was moving abroad. The swing I fell in love with songs on. The place I cried when I didn't know if I could leave. 

Beautiful view of the city 

Life is made up of these moments. These little joys, pains, excitements, regrets, and lessons. And when you put them all together you create a life. It's cliché to say that college years are the best and most life changing ones of your life,but in a small way I think it is true. You grow, not always forward, but always toward the person you are meant to be. And it's cliche but true to say, that everything works out how it should. 

We absolutely tried to walk across...and then decided we needed a few whiskeys first

I owe all of you who joined me on this journey so much. Thank you for the memories, the smiles , the heartbreak, the runs, the campfires, drunken nights, and lessons. 

You ask me where I'm from well this is where I'm from...

What compels me to go from this place? Why must I leave? Life here is so much and so good and feels right. 

But I love my life abroad too, and I'm so excited to start a new chapter of myself.  Don't worry Minneapolis. You are my one true love and I will be back for you.

I thoroughly enjoyed my time biking around your bike highways