I was so reluctant to get on the plane to come here. I reflect back to the sobbing in the middle of the airport as I considered the great adventures I could have if I were to just turn around, collect my luggage, and set up life in America.
And here I sit, reluctant to leave. My heart was so far closed when I arrived, and Montenegro opened it to even the most scary ideas.
The idea that maybe I will never truly go "home."
The possibility of taking a leap of faith if circumstances allowed me to.
The thought that I may very well be far happier on my own than I ever will be with anyone.
The idea of silence and stillness being a place of comfort rather than anxiety.
Everything in me wants to stay, and everything in me needs to leave.
I always say that love songs about people are actually about places and experiences. I have so many songs for Tivat. And years from now when I'm sitting in a bar in America, or Kazakhstan, or Southeast Asia or South America, this is what I will see behind the lids of my eyes as I close them and feel this song move through me. I'm just an animal looking for a home, and of all those kind of places, Tivat has a face with a damn fine view. Cue the tears.
30/6/17
tonight we were harassed by some guys who just would leave our tent alone, and so we slept in the car. Men will just never understand that fear. Laying wide awake, totally engulfed in planning your fight for the "in case" of a man crawling on top of you.
1/7/17
Wash in a river after a hike that technically did not exist. This is freedom. This is joy.
2/7/17
Too much time in the car, and not enough movement in my legs.
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I search for emotion along the road and find only numb.
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I'm tired of decision making. Already. And at least this portion of the journey involves sharing. 3/7/17
Movement and mountains and I am alive.
4/7/17
I have had a lot of good July 4ths in my life. I wonder if I'll ever have another at home?
5/7/17
I'm on a bus trying to listen to podcasts to educate myself, but I can't get my mind of the exhaustion of choices to come. They say teachers make millions of quick decisions each day. Shouldn't I be trained for this?
6/7/17
One of the reasons I love traveling via train is that in the parts of the world I live in they are like taking a trip back in time. This ticket has not platform number, or time. It just says there I'm going. The rest is up to me to discover....
----
And the first major freakout of the trip as the police officer thoroughly checked every single stamp in my passport and listed out each place I have been to, noticing I frequent Dubrovnik. I quickly pulled out my residency card and attempted to explain that I live here. His response was to invite me for a coffee since my train was running late. Once again...why? To do what? To barely speak to each other through uncomfortable hand gestures? I really just like to have my passport in my hand thank you....
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My desire to take the train has got the best of me again. "Takes 2 hours more, but leaves 3 hours earlier and has beautiful views." Sold! Then it leave 2 hours late and arrives 3 hours later than the bus would have. But as long as it is moving I am fine.
---
"I'm living in Montenegro working at an international school"
"We've seen you before! At that pub just outside of Porto.."
"Clubhouse?"
"no the Gastro one. You were with 5 other teachers/"
"Blacksheep?"
"yes! "
The world is too small.....
7/7/17
I wish I had gotten the job here. I wish it so much. This city is perfect for me, and there is so much in this country. And the surrounding countries. And it is so easy to get places. And there are mountains, and there is culture, and there are cute boys. It's clean and there is craft beer. So now Kazakhstan better bring it.
8/7/717
And now that one question has been answered Sofia begs for another "what if..." to be asked.
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Right now I am here, and for now this is all that matters.
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Nothing quite like walking one block off the main hub-bub road and being in the quiet and stillness
9/7/17
I have this thing where I feel like crying in beautiful cities full of culture.
10/7/17
One of those fucking awful days of travel that makes you question why on earth you are doing it. Please say these mountain have some saving grace.
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and as soon as I'm moving with my music on I'm fine. 11/7/17
3 days of hiking, 3 days with a cute boy, 2 days at home, and then back to the US before I move to fucking Kazakhstan. This life is wonderful and everything I have ever wanted. Nothing left to do but smile.
---
I'm not afraid of moving to Kazakhstan, but I am afraid of leaving Montenegro. Some dreams are getting left behind. 12/7/17
Climbing mountains is a huge challenge. So is living life, but every once in awhile you summit to an amazing view. I love my life.
13/7/17
It was a seriously rough day. Seriously. The hike was not physically tough, but my head space is dying! Falling into rivers, choices about how to get over trees, around ant mounds larger than my backpack, and how to best get rid of the flies and mosquitoes circling my head. I just want my bed and a beer. 15/7/17
Just waiting to reach my emotional capacity.
16/7/17
I am so damn tired of being alone. I'm still scared that my bed will remain empty and I'll get so comfortable with the solitude that I'll never really be able to let anyone in for real. And while we are on the subject of fears....what if I never feel "Home" again.
----
Goodbye never gets any easier, and this version of life is only going to get harder.
When I tell people I am in love with the Balkans, they think I'm crazy. "But..Why?" they ask in confusion. I've spent three, far too short years living and traveling in the Balkans and it has become my home away from home. So here is a short list to try to convince you:
5. It's a totally ridiculous idea. (Except it's not)
Just imagine the next time you run into a random friend from high school or go home for Christmas and can talk about the Balkans. People will think you are crazy, and who doesn't want to seem crazy?
4. Less tourists.
You won't have to deal with ridiculously long lines, booking everything ahead of time, or being pushed in crowds. Though the travel may be a bit more difficult to find information about, it is so worth it. You will have space, and space equal happiness.
3. Cheapness.
Traveling with little money? No problem. You can book hostel beds for 7-15 euros a night, and most of them are fairly modern because travel just became an industry. Want to eat out. Dinner can be found for 3-5 euros or you can eat fancy and still afford it. Want to go out. No problem. A half liter of beer is 1-2 euros.
2. The warm hearted people.
Because tourism hasn't officially hit the Balkans yet people tend to be warm-hearted and happy to help. They know how to host. Especially if you go to smaller cities.
1. Diversity of things to do.
Want to party the night away? Try the rakia in the Kafanas of Belgrade. Want to have a chill day at the beach? Head to the Croatian coast, or southern Albania for a shimmering seaside. Want to hike mountains? Head to Durmitor National Park in Montenegro or Theth in Albania and enjoy the mountain air. Want to see some alternative culture? Participate in a free alternative tour in Sofia or Belgrade. Want to shop? Wander around the market area of any capital city. Want to chill at a cafe? No worries. This is main past time in the Balkans.
I urge you to just consider making a trip to the Balkans, and I promise you will not regret it.
It becomes difficult to appreciate things that become commonplace.
30/4/17
I just went rafting with a huge group of people passing around beers and homemade liquor. I belong here so much. I'm already sad about leaving and it's not even close to time yet.
13/4/17
Sometimes you meet people so full of life that their joy rubs off on you a little bit. Their simple smile at the littlest thing, and the light that shines in their eye as they smile at you means more than they could understand. Thank you for reminding me what life is all about, and making my heart feel happy again. Even if only for a little while.
15/5/17
I think I'll go back to being an adult now. Sorry liver. I wish I could remember twice the amount of drunk conversations. I need to start recording things.
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Every decision you make is right.
16/5/17
When you want and need to write, but have no words to put any of your feelings into a proper description of emotion.
17/5/17
I wonder how it is possible to create something so vivid in one short week. How did we manage to create so many inside jokes? How did that smile gain so much meaning? And how is it that our bodies and souls seemed to fit so perfectly together? Connections like this are what make my life so incredible, and yet I do not want to do anymore of these goodbyes. I'm trying to learn to accept things for what they are, and the lesson inside them, and then let them go.
23/5/17
A whirlwind of emotion leave me feeling confused about the purpose of this life. Connection? Growth? Happiness? Where do I go from here? Kazakhstan....
24/5/17
The lesson to be taken away from this: Even when I'm not hoping or searching for them, these heart-wrenching(in a good way) connections happen, which, in the end, cause me painful goodbyes. May as well open my heart up to them if they are going to happen without my intent.
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Time is a fickle thing. It's there and then suddenly it's gone.
28/5/17
I'm finding it more and more difficult to connect with "home".
"Home"
1/6/17
I still look at myself in the mirror and have no clue who I am. Where do these decisions come from?
11/6/17
one-fourth of me still thinks I should be staying, another fourth of me is desperately ready to be in Kazakhstan. One-fourth of my heart is in Saudi and the other fourth is nudging me in the direction of "quit everything and travel." And because I feel yanked in so many directions I need to get grounded in the present. So, I walk to my spot and realize I have forgotten my headphones. Forced silence leads to tears. I love being alone until I hate it.
14/6/17
I can ask the question until I lose my voice, but the answer will still be the same. We won't know until we know. 15/6/17
"death exists, not as the opposite but as part of life."Haruki Murakami
20/6/17
Things I've been holding onto: My first pair of hiking boots (totally worn to bits with holes) and my first real backpack (broken and unrepairable strap) These things have been places with me. They were there through those mental breakdowns and those incredible sights more than anything or anyone else has been.
23/6/17
I really need to leave this all behind me and start over.
27/6/17
Don't worry about what other people say. "Just do you." Best advice ever. Sometimes I feel like such a selfish asshole for doing life this way, but I'm making the best decisions for me. Aren't we all just making decisions for the benefit of being happy? And I am the happiest I've ever been. Ever. 29/6/17
I'm not ready. I'm never ready.
11/4/17
I read a few weeks ago that 40% of travelers are single females. This surprised me greatly. I like to think of myself as different, yet, apparently I'm just normal. I wonder where they all go? I met a few fellow solo-female travelers on the train to Athens, but have met none since. Certainly everyone on this Island seems to be bound to another human being. I keep telling myself I'm ready for that, but I'm not putting forth any effort I'm not ready to not be selfish.
12/4/17
I have gotten so bad at flirting with men, and reading their signals: Man comes jogging past with dog, blatantly staring, strikes up a conversations and I got...nothing. Other than a few meager sentences back and then focusing on my book.
13/4/17
We will keep this note private. Regret. That's all.
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Me and Greece just aren't vibing. Maybe I'm not putting forth any effort. Maybe I'm not saying hello to enough people. Maybe I'm being my introverted self. Maybe I didn't choose the right hostels, or not allowing for leeway in my budget. Or maybe I'm just really sick of traveling solo. Did I set my expectations too high. Maybe I just really wanted to share this.
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I cried today, because I'm tired and hormonal and lonely and second guessing all of my recent decisions. Like to come to Mykonos alone, and to eat more Souvlaki for lunch, and to move to Kazakhstan after all the job offers I had. Did I choose fear over love? Or did I choose discomfort I can handle over discomfort I cannot?
And so... I turn my music up and dance on the deserted beach and then i sit and I finally let a few tears fall. Eventually I hear a song that convinces me to grab a beer, so I walk to the shop, grab the cheapest one I can find. I head back to the beach and I fight back more tears, as I sip it and grind sand between my teeth. How it miraculously managed to forge its way into my mouth, I'll never know. I try to convince myself that my decision makes no difference in the grand scheme of things. More decisions will follow, and I'll likely fuck those ones up too. But this beer had made it all better. For now.
14/4/17
The poor waiter this morning almost had to watch me have a mental breakdown. We were discussing the different countries we had both lived in. He joked that of the countries in the wold I chose Kazakhstan. Yeah, I know I'm crazy. Then he told me I must be strong to be moving all these random places. Fuck yeah! I got this.
----
This is all just hormones right? I need to get my shit together.
---
I put myself on this roller coaster, and I have no one to blame but myself. I hope to look back a year from now and marvel at how I pushed myself to grow, but right now, in this moment, I just feel anger. I need to get to the next port.
31/3/17
I met some guys from Serbia who translated some Serbian Folk music for me. "This whiskey is twice as old as you are, but I am rich, so let's go upstairs and fuck." Apparently they refer to people who listen to it "hillbillies". We shared our favourite English words after noting that in order to make the perfect vodka and juice concoction in the future (it's an art after-all) we would need to "chisel" the ice into semi-circles. No cubes allowed. We spent about 30 minutes of them trying to figure out the right Serbian word for chisel. I wish I was better with languages.
1/4/17
Before heading to the airport my taxi driver took me on a tour of the city. He compared Montenegro to one of the many rivers that runs through it. Small, beautiful, diverse, undiscovered and under appreciated. I couldn't agree more. Why am I leaving?
----
I spent the night talking philosophy with a 62 year old New Yorker and a 41 year old Greek:
We all have our own perceptions which create our own reality. Therefore there can be no universal truth. Our beliefs consist of that which we cannot prove.
I was asked if I plan to move every 2 years. I couldn't answer, but when I asked this man what his plan was he said, "The plan was to leave and not go back. So far I've been very successful." Maybe I should come up with a plan I can't fail at, like" I'm going to eat everyday." Coming up with a fail proof plan is harder than it seems.
2/4/17
I should be trying harder to have more experiences, but I still feel so damn tired.
3/4/17
I am being the ultimate lazy traveler. All I've really done is walked around the city and eat food. I don't want to plan, and if I would have had a plan I could be hiking a damn mountain. I'm feeling regretful, but I know from experience that this regret will get me nowhere.
4/4/17
One of the sweetest things is when I meet a couple sleeping in a dorm room, and the first thing in the morning one of them moves to the top or bottom bunk to cuddle with the other.
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*Cultural experience*
An old greek man helped me to cross the street. He attempted to speak German to me. We smiled and laughed, and waited for traffic to clear, and ran across the road together. Even though I didn't need his help I thanked him and smiled and continued along my way.
At the train station I grab a cafe freddo and spinach pie. The owner of the cafe comes up and asks me if I am going to Athens. No I say, I am going to Kalambaka. He smiles and applauds me, happy I'm seeing something other than the acropolis. Then he grabs my hand, kisses it, ruffles my hair and says goodbye. I feel as though I am his granddaughter due to his pride and affection.
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"Don't take the train." they said. "It's too slow, and involves complicated station changes. Why would you want to? The bus is faster. Besides its not a real train, it's a Balkan train." They told me.
"What other kind are there?" I replied with a huge grin on my face.
As long as there are trains to take, I will be taking them, and as long as there are streets and trails to walk I will be walking them.
7/4/17
I helped an old lady cross the street with all her groceries. She wouldn't stop talking to me and I had no clue what she was saying. I really wished I could have understood.
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A man tried to point me in the direction of the acropolis. "Nje (no)...park," I begged of him. I seriously don't belong in the big city. Let's hope couch surfing meet-ups save this.
8/4/17
Wine is an experience like a journey. You need to use all your senses to enjoy it. You look first at it's colour and the way it shines in the light. Next you experience the scent through your nose, enjoying smells of fruits and flowers. Then you sip a small amount and allow the taste to caress your tongue. Next you inhale through your mouth over the top of the wine to see if you tongue can feel it. We should experience all of life this way.
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Spent the last hour comparing women to wine. Completely complicated, sometimes confusing, but totally worth it.
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Tonight over dinner I discussed a famous Greek poem about a journey. I got to the end of the discussion and only then did I realize that I was talking about one of my favourite poems of all time.
9/4/17
I am crazy head-over-heels in love with life, but still something is missing. I nearly had a panic attack on top the acropolis as I realized how close I was to having it. I think about how happy I would be if I had made a different decision. I don't want to be angry at myself.
Excerpts from book "Married to Bhutan" by Linda Leaming, which have something to do with precisely what I am feeling today:
page 140- "I recommend two things for anybody interested in finding out more about what they really are, what they are made of, what they can endure, and how far humor will take them: running away, and hiding out."
page 143- " I think of the choices I've made in my life. For me, there is a big difference between choosing and deciding; choosing means we take the initiative--we learn about options, think of alternatives, and then pick one-- and I prefer it. Deciding means someone has already made the choices for us....It is more passive. These aren't the traditional dictionary definitions of choosing and deciding I'm using, but I make the distinction because in the world, so many things seem to be decided for us. We don't really believe we have much choice. But we do.
If we choose to follow our dreams and desires, then other things, good or bad, fall into place. I discovered this in Bhutan. In its remotest corners, with so many layers stripped away, I find my inside self is the same as my outside self." 10/4/17
People seem to think I'm brave for living this life, and yet everyday I travel I meet people far more fearless than I am. They travel in ways that make my life seem average and normal, and they take chances I would never dream of taking. Like moving to Athen after a 2 week holiday because you met the man you may love. And they are still married 24 years later. CRAZY!
More excerpts from book "Married to Bhutan" by Linda Leaming that magically have to do with what I'm feeling today:
page 157
"Since we're all trying to be happy, and since I've studied happiness in depth for some time, I feel qualified to make some observations:
There will probably be some physical pain and some form of renunciation on the road to happiness. No, I'm not advocating masochism, But once you take the road to happiness--the road less traveled, or the open road, or whatever you envision as you route to bliss--you have to be ready to face some discomfort. Ironically, this will make you happier. Try to avoid associating happiness with comfort."
page 179
"Sometimes we have to go the physical distance, to struggle with real mountains, to help bring us further along on our mental or spiritual journey." 15/4/17
I just realized that the sun sets everywhere, and that each place has a different view and a significance of its own. Mind Blown.
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I love you Eastern Europe, but I think I need a break.
4/4/17
I am feeling a little bit too happy after my glass of failed greek wine. Smiles and smiles.
epic fail on the cork and glass, but delicious!
5/4/17
I set off on today's hike a little nervous and feeling underprepared. As soon as I got out of the city I remembered reading about other solo hikers' encounters with viper snakes. Not only had I forgotten what to do if I encountered one, I'd once again forgotten the greek word for "thank you." A necessity on any trip for getting by. I have been amazed what this single word can do for a person.
As I reached a fork in the road with both trails marked "foot-path" I second guessed my usual choice of the more difficult one. But, I pursued it, and stumbled up several large rocks on my journey as I wondered what sound a viper snake made, if it made any at all. This path was clearly not well marked, and many times I made wrong choices only to reach a dead end 3 minutes later, forced to turn around and wander back. Eventually, I began to reach several clearings, one after another, each with a more spectacular view than the previous. After visiting one, quiet and beautiful monastery I continued on the main road, noting the 3 large tour buses and knowing that the next monastery would not be so calm and secluded. I stopped to take some photos that showed my perpetual happiness at life and to eat my fruit and nut bar.
As I was eating a man came along and introduced himself as John. He told me he was a baker and pointed out the flour on his hiking boots. We talked briefly through his broken English, and he grabbed my map and pointed out a few hiking trails he highly recommended. Then he said he was headed home to sleep, but would like to meet up for coffee that evening at 7pm. Coffee? at 7pm! "I'll probably be in bed," I told him. I was being totally honest when I said this, knowing that I planned to hike all day and had been dealing with a scratchy throat all morning. However, I figured he had ulterior motives given he could hardly come up with the English word for evening or night or tomorrow.
Nonetheless we exchanged facebook name info so that we could chat later. I spent some more time enjoying the view and I opted to take a different footpath that I had spotted earlier back to the city, rather than the short route on the road. This happened to be a very well marked footpath that led me back to the original fork in the road where I chose the less worn route. I sat down on a rock and found myself wondering why I am such an introvert, closed off to experiences that present themselves to me. Experiences like a coffee with some random Greek dude who hardly speaks English.
I arrived back at the hostel, exhausted, only find the hostel owner (who owns another hostel in another city and basically put me in charge of this one for 2 days) opening the door with bags of groceries in her hand. Her car had broken down and she was waiting for repairs. She fed me cheese sandwiches and marmalade and asked about my hike. I was exhausted, and yet I left again for another hike that was pointed out by John.
On this hike I had a conversation with myself about peoples' perceptions of the world: perceptions are influenced by our senses, and we all sense the world in a different way. Therefore no experience in life can be re-created, or enjoyed the same be 2 people. Every moment is different for each person. I know this isn't a new concept, but suddenly was mind-boggled by it.
After my day of hiking I eventually headed back to the city, ate some lamb kebabs, chugged 6 glasses of water, had a glass of wine and slept clear through until the morning. Content and exhausted by my day in nature and my confusion about myself and who I am.
Totally scared of heights.
6/4/17
This world is so spectacularly amazing that I will never be able to stop.
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I saw the cutest family today. As they looked out at the monastery the little girl looked up and smiled at her dad. As she did so, he said "That is a spectacular princess castle." I guess...anything to get the kids excited about travel.
7/4/17
Train rides are seldom long enough for all the thoughts I want to have while on them.
13/1/17
Today on my way home I actually considered the possibility of staying in Tivat. I've thought about it here and there, but today I played out the time in in my head. I planned firstly the money I'd save, then the travel, and lastly the work experience I'd gain. Didn't seem half bad. But the things is, I love the path that isn't well walked. I know that no matter where I go, there will be a lot of people who have been there before me, but for me it will appear as though it has recently snowed. And I won't be able to stop my boots from creating that delightfully crunchy sound as I trod on top of it.
17/1/17
I am not feeling passionate about any of these job opportunities. I'm not feeling passionate about staying here. I'm not feeling passionate about anything. It is starting to wear away at my insides. I had a wonderful health filled week of exercise, good whole food, and full nights of sleep. Then the stress of reports/ job searching hit and I can't screw my head back on.
9/2/17
I know I should write, because silence is dangerous. But at this point I am so simultaneously calm and anxious that I don't even know how to express what I want to tell myself. "It'll work out" seems too simple. "Everything happens for a reason" seems too lame. "Believe in the impossible" leads me down a path of self hatred. My fantasy and reality blur together, and all I can hope is that once I sign my name to a decision, the sky will clear I will be able to focus on whichever view it is I have chosen. "Chosen" also does not feel like an appropriate word.
16/2/17
I need to sign on a dotted line before I let love take control of my life and guide me to where I'm not certain I should be.
22/2/17
It's peculiar to feel so certain about something, and yet to go the opposite direction.
23/2/17
I guess I'm still working on facing that biggest fear.
1/3/17
As far as I'm concerned, I am not okay with myself right now. Being angry at myself is tough, and I'm trying really hard to not rip-roar madness upon myself. But the only thing left seems to be time alone to reflect on these decisions, leading me to a place of sadness. I am so damn tired of being alone.
2/3/17
I have never been so content and discontent with my life, and so excited yet calm. I am so unprepared yet unnerved. I have never felt so single and yet so committed. My life is a paradox, teetering on a balance beam. If it tips one particular way I'm not sure how I will cope.
10/3/17
I don't want to be broken, yet more than that, I don't want to break anything else. Time to let go.
23/3/17 Through toughing out another week at work, combined with full on sickness (karma for saying I'd take a sick day to get some rest) I have to say that I love being an international teacher. Today I listened to two students, with 2 different native languages, read and translate books in French. I had to yell at a student whose native language is Turkish for saying mean words in Russian. Yesterday I watched my students perform a play in Montenegrin. Today a student who is teaching me words in Russian wrote a story in English about my adventure moving to Kazakhstan. In the story I'm actually secretly moving to Hogwarts. I was able to help her with her letter sounds in English because I now know letter sounds in Russian. I know I'm the teacher, but these kids are teaching me so much! 28/3/17 Just because I'm single doesn't mean I don't belong to someone. I am not self-conscious and weak. I belong to myself, and who better to me love me and care for me than me? I've been going at this life with myself for quite some time and I'm doing just fine. Just had to get that out there for all the men who seem to think I "need" them to feel satisfied.
30/3/17 After nearly 9 months travel free (other than a weekend here or there, and a trip home) I'm feeling crazy un-prepared for this trip.
And just like that I'm 26...
I actually did type that. which tells you especially how I'm feeling about turning 27. Where did 26 go? And did I actually accomplish anything? Oh wait....a whole summer of travel, a lot of growth as a teacher, and learning to love against difficult circumstances. It was quite a damn year.
So what to say about year 26? I grew. So much. In my ability to travel. I did my 6 week summer holiday, and budgeted for the whole thing. I dealt with missed buses, gross hostels, and delayed flights all on my own. I had mental breakdowns in pubic spaces, and hiked, while nearly falling off side of mountains on my own. I expanded my teaching knowledge and am learning to truly teach my students in a real-life, skills based context. I let go of what the world and friends expected me to be doing on my nights and weekends, and accepted my love of solitude. I learned to be flexible in my definition of relationships. I learned to let go of what I thought the perfect trip, weekend, lesson, or relationship was.
I have learned by not always having a plan or expectation and just trusting things, I am more open to the experiences and opportunities that are given to me. And it is those experiences that often guide me in my decision making, and allow me to grow.
If I have to choose a word to represent what year 26 was to me I would choose trust. Not because trusting this year was easy, but because trusting helped me to grow. I have mended something inside myself that I didn't even know was broken, and have grown to love who I am. Anxiety and all.
That being said, I have a lot of goals for year 27.
A quote from my favourite book(read for the 4th time) seems the correct way to end this rant:
"My whole journey in fact...has been coming to these edges, these verges, high places where I am buffeted by winds and dazed by the view, by the risks and possibilities I never imagined could exist in my life, where I am astonished that I could get so high up, how on earth did I get so high up, where a voice whispers JUMP and another cries DON'T. Where I could turn back and walk down to safer ground, or I could throw myself over that edge, into what, what is out there, what is it that I am so afraid of beyond this last safe step where I am now standing? It is only my own life, I realize, that I am afraid of, and at each high point I am given the chance to throw myself over and back into it."- Jamie Zeppa, Beyond the Sky and the Earth
Heeeeeeey 27 Heeeeeey....Teach me more patience, allow me to offer more love, and let me live fully rather than "checking things off my list." Older, and wiser. And becuase I love summarizing my life in music, here is year 26 in a nutshell:
February- I chose a February song for last year, but I'm gonna choose another one.... This describes how I started feeling in February.
"I think I like you a little too much..."
March- Tough to choose for this month. All the songs were sappy....But this one came back in April when I made a very important realization. It's also the song I'm currently trying to learn on guitar. "Now I see clearly It's you I'm looking for All of my days Soon I'll smile I know I'll feel this loneliness no more All of my days For I look around me And it seems you've found me And it's coming into sight As the days keep turning into night"
April- Then this album came out.
May- In May I started dealing with some rough stuff. Confusion about why life would throw me such a curve ball. Once I faced the fact that I could not ignore the emotions I was feeling I realized how lucky I truly am. "Running is useless and fighting is foolish You're not gonna win but still you're the luckiest man you're up against And too many horses and mysterious forces What you don't know is you are the luckiest man"
June- Long nights of watching the stars, live concerts and prepping for summer trips.
July- More confusion. This song helped subdue 2 panic attacks in Poland. I definitely let myself lay in the middle of Wroclaw old town with the sun on my face and people walking all around me.
"Farther along we'll know more about it, farther along we'll understand why."
August- Loved playing this on my guitar. It also got me through Trump being elected in November.
September- A really rough month of getting back into work, dealing with a confused heart, and starting to think about where I wanted to go next. This is not my typical music, but this song describe exactly how I felt about this month.
October- Lots of stuff going on in the sky this month.
November- Hauntingly beautiful. I spent most evenings walking along the bay listening to this on repeat.
December- Late nights job searching, and being confused about job offers. Give me darkness when I'm dreaming, give me moonlight when I'm leaving Give me mustang horse and muscle, cause I wont be going gentle Give me slant-eye looks when I'm lying, give me fingers when I'm crying And I ain't out there to cheat you, see I killed that damn coyote in me…
January- Trump, job rejection, Packers out of the running for the Super Bowl. Rough month.
17/12/16
Every time I go home it feels less and less like one.
19/12/16
My brain won't turn off. It runs around you constantly. Part of me wants to scream and let it all out, but mostly I'm content to keep you for myself.
24/12/16
I was talking to my mom about how amazing my brothers are to their girls. I'm gonna need one hell of a guy to live up to those expectations. No wonder I'm still single....
4/1/17
I am packing up my bags when it hits me....slowly, but surely. I am so ready to be in my apartment, candles lit, my music on, dancing around my kitchen with a coffee or beer in my hand. America feels less and less like home each day, and I've told people I'm not even sure it will be "home" ever again. When I say I want to be "home" in 3-5 years I mean I want to be settled, in one place. And yet, I let my mind wander to how much I'd love to do life here. Find me a cute house, and a cute live music,beer drinking, outdoorsy man. To be able to go out with my friends on the weekend, see my family on the holidays, and enjoy the simplicity of living in a culture I know and understand. The tears well up ad I think about the confusion of the word "home" and pack away my suitcase that will follow me there. I know what I am returning to the for the very first time. And I cannot wait to get there and be among the discomfort.
5/1/17
I was so confident there would be no pauses at the airport this time around. It took me until actual boarding to consider turning around, but I still considered it.
6/1/17
The landing was pretty scary, and at one point I did think maybe I would die. But what really struck me was how content I am with my life. There is so much I want to do, but I am so happy with what I have done with the time I have been given.
