So while I was traveling in the Baltics this summer I had a very emotional response to a deserted prison I visited. The following day I went to yet another desert prison where the guard actually locked me in a cell for about 10 seconds.
One night while enjoying a delicious beer I ended up writing a very sad poem. I used to write a lot of shit poetry back in high school, but haven't really written any since. I know this is likely crap, but it was a such an emotional break though during my trip that I figured I should save it.
I had actually forgotten about this until I came across it last evening while enjoying a few beers at home.
If these walls could talk
The description they would cower
Of a man in uniform
Drunk with the power
Of enforcing his rules on everyone.
If these walls could talk
They would surely scream
About the locked up prisoner
Dying to dream
Of a hopeful future of joy and love.
If these walls could talk
The narrative they would speak
Of the shiny tear
That began to leak
From the eyes of the girl who felt too many aches.
26/10/16
I have realized that far too often I look at people, but don't see them at all.
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I wonder which pictures I will print to hang my house someday. Which experiences will by worthy?
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Looking out this speeding train window wondering where I'll be a year from now, but not feeling lost. I am so grateful to just simply be trusting what I've been given.
27/11/16
The world keeps telling us no, but I just want to say yes.
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I love searching for comfort in discomfort.
28/10/16
I have met many interesting people on this trip, but they all seem to be leaving or already in a large group. I love traveling solo, but man-oh-man is it exhausting.
29/10/16
Suddenly the thing I most want to be is tequila.
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I want to write you a love song with my life.
I have a rule. 3 months is just fun, but longer that 6 months is something.
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Now that I have found my heart beat among the calmness of the mountains, it is time to find it among the chaos of the city. I love you Tivat, but it is time for something different.
30/10/16
I would rather spend my whole life cheering with you and losing, than winning every game. Go Pack Go!
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One different decision and my whole life would be unrecognizable.
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Some days I feel too much and others I feel nothing at all.
12/7/16
I woke up last night and freaked out because I had no idea where I was. I have been sleeping in random beds in random cities for the last 6 weeks, but my first night back here I freak out. I'm not sure what it means, if it means anything, but I do know that it scares me.
I cannot unpack. It seems a struggle and as I finish putting the last item from my pack away I just grab it and hold it tight to myself. I'm never going to be able to give this up for the other side of my dreams. I can't have life both ways.
14/7/16
I hurt, and I want so badly to cry, but I'm so confused about all these emotions right now that I can't. I wonder if I erased you from my life, if I could just pretend like you never happened. Like I didn't make this mistake again.
21/8/16
I know what it is like to be somewhere and need a temporary dream. I can't blame you for letting me be yours.
24/8/16
It is amazing to me how something that is happening to your present can help you work through issues you didn't even know existed from your past.
28/8/16
Today on the way home from a wonderful weekend, one guy pointed out that all that really matters in life is finding someone who is willing to sit by a campfire and look at stars with you. I understood what he was saying, but...if only it was that easy.
12/9/16
When my heart is breaking and my eyes are heavy I know I just need an hour by the seaside watching and feeling the sun. I'm not going to have this opportunity everywhere. 14/9/16
I just re-read what I have written since being back and it sounds like I am depressed or something. I'm not. Life is incredible and I'm speeding along, perfectly content, but in a way that makes me want to simply write down these random feelings for remembrance.
16/9/16
Tonight I needed a moment to myself. I've needed a lot of these recently. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I have a group of extremely loud extroverted students this year, or if I'm just dealing with some kind of emotional baggage, but I've learned how to recognize this desire and I'm happy about it. So after the family potluck at work and beers with co workers I grabbed one more and headed to "my dock" to watch the stars and reflect on my life. I know I don't label myself as "christian" but I need to listen to more hymns. There is something in the history and melody of them that gives me some kind of intimate joy.
22/9/16 (Vienna)
I love the hum of a pub. That eagerness of people to meet and chat about their day. The excitement that comes with the ability to let it all go for a few hours, have a beer (or 4) and just be yourself. Such a human activity
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It is so clear that while I love Tivat, and there is a large part of me there, it ISN'T where I am meant to be. If I can be this happy somewhere I'm not actually fully happy in....just imagine the possibilities.
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How different my life would be if...
the completion of that statement require different opportunities than I was given. And I'm so happy that I don't have regrets about the opportunities I was given.
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Sometimes when I think about you I'm just angry about how much it all hurt me. But then I think back to all the little ways you tried to save my soul when it was dying and screaming and I realize how much our failure was actually the result of my faults. I don't know how I'm still dealing with this crap. Maybe because I chose to ignore it for so long. 29/9/16
I'm not sure what would be different, but I know you are right. It WOULD be different. So now....when people ask me about my biggest regret I will finally have one.
I'm not sad about it. I'm screaming on the inside, because regardless of my mistake I'm happy. I'm mad at the universe for not offering the opportunities we deserved. Yet I know I can't fix it, so I swallow the anger back and do what life has taught me to do. I leave the regret behind and focus on the next opportunity in hopes that I won't miss it.
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I coil under the pressure as what started out as unsure in August becomes a colossal ocean of confusion. All the questions shout out their queries, but I haven't the slightest idea where to how to find the answers. I am oddly contented by this state of emotional turmoil. 30/9/16
You know you are ready when you no longer think about how someone can make you happy, but you picture the smile on your face emanating their smile. I don't want to be one of those girls who is searching for the perfect one, but I'm hoping that now that I know who I am and what I want he just happens to fall in my lap.
11/10/16
Funny...I chose this job because I thought it would be the perfect thing to allow me to have a family life. Yet somehow, it seems to be moving me further away from that dream. 13/10/16
It's starting. I can feel that itch. That need to be somewhere else that isn't here. Haven't reached my breaking point yet, but I need to find something to throw myself into. The books, yoga, guitar, exercise, job search and weekend travel plans just aren't working.
21/10/16
One of those days I feel grateful. I was able to plan a week of super interested lessons exploring bridges. After school I talked to a mom about her school experience in South Africa. Then while walking to make coffee I managed to hear a mother yelling at her child in French, and passed a group of Russians students practising traditional Russian dancing. I don't know how I'm going to ever leave this life...
Day 34 (4/8/16)- Train to Zagreb
I love trains!
Also, I miss my balcony, my guitar, and my garden and usual Friday night Black Sheep and clubhouse. I'm coming Tivat....
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There is something to be said for listening to your music as the world is passing in the window next to you.
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This is the first time I can see legit changes in who I am. When did I become calm, cool and collective? Able to collect my thoughts inside and keep my distance from stress and emotion. I like this version of myself. I think I'll keep her.
Day 35 (5/8/16)- Zagreb
My dad said "This is as bad as the lines at a Packer game," as we dealt with tourist lines, and my mom said "This is such a me day" as we hiked outside past waterfalls. In these momentsI became very grateful for my roots and the influence they had on me. My parents and I don't have a lot in common, but the things we do are pretty awesome, and have greatly shaped me.
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I am starting to realize how stressful life is going to be when I get home. I'm feeling completely ready to conquer it and simultaneously so not wanting to.
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At any given moment we can have so many various outlooks on life. Depending on who we are with, what we are under the influence of, and mostly our attitude. It is dumbfounding. I refuse to be anything but amazed with the world around me.
Day 36 (6/8/16)- Zagreb
I am realizing how much more than love goes into a marriage and I worry I will never find anything close enough to get me through. I'm just a cactus tree being free.
Day 37 (7/8/16)- Transfer to Split
I am so ready to touch my guitar, to hug my bartender, and sleep in my bed. I want to make coffee in my mug and eat off my own plate. And laundry. And sunsets. I miss my friends. I'm ready to go home and with each mountain we pass it is clearer where "home" is. I will be single for forever in Montenegro.
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Sometimes you don't realize how hight the mountain is until you have climbed it, admired the view, and then have to make your decent. And I'm not referring to a literal mountain.
Day 38 (8/8/16) Split
My home is with the trees and skies above me.
Day 39 (9/8/16) Split
I am starting to crave Montenegro in the most obvious way. And the worst part is that I am starting to wonder if I'm meant to stay there for forever. In all honesty, every time I travel I get further and further from ever wanting to go home Yet I keep wondering if I'm really screwing myself for the other part of the life I want by staying. I'm just not sure if I can ever see myself not traveling. I'm also wondering about taking this plunge of long term travel. Will I be too old when I can finally afford to do it?
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I chose this lonely life. I hate it, and yet with everything in me I am so content to just be here and now. Little stresses are nothing and I'm just learning that "Trusting Things Beyond Mistake" is my new motto. Mistakes are all part of this journey.
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Every time my parents visit you can tack on more time abroad because they make me remember all the reasons I love my life abroad so much. They make me want to travel while I am young and open-minded. See ya in 20 years USA...
The most beautiful thing I have ever read...
Day 41 (11/8/16) Supetar
I am so confused. I seems every time I get settled in a place it is time to decide if and where I want to go next. I just can't settle.
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I am anxious to be home, and not at all ready for what the next 2 months is. I don't know what emotion to feel, so I think I just do "distraction" until I have to face the emotions that have been beating in my heart for the last 6 weeks. I won't feel what I need to feel, because I refuse to ever be broken the way I was before again.
I only have long distance relationships it would seem. Odd...and yet, I am so thankful for all of them.
Day 42 (12/8/16)
Wow. 42 days of travel. I managed to only lost a raincoat and jacket. I was only stranded like twice, and I managed to come out more than 100 Euros ahead of budget. Can I say I'm proud? Is that narcissistic? I am amazed as how much I have grown since I first set off on this grand adventure 4 years ago, and I can't imagine my life any other way.
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Today on the ferry I saw a mom carrying an extra large backpack while holding her daughters hand. I marveled at how that could, one day, be me. My mom said it couldn't, because I'd make my daughter carry her own pack. An honest statement.
And that sums up this trip. Once again I'm feeling completely lost when it comes to my future decisions, but so thankful for where this journey has and will continue to take me. Trusting things beyond mistake. I'm ready for the next tattoo....
Day 28 (29/7/16)- Transfer to Slovakia
I feel awful for wasting this day sleeping in instead of getting up and getting my ass on another hike, but I seriously needed an 8 hour night, and a day of doing nothing. I'll just have to come back to the Tatra Mountains.
I almost, most actually, just told the bus driver to stop and let me off. Can I create a new life here? I have like 300 Euros with me and that's plenty....
If I love finding little pieces of home all over the world, then why don't I just move home??
Day 29- (30/7/16) Kosice
*This entry has been removed because I changed my mind about this Musing....*
Day 30- (31/7/16)- Budapest
When you meet people and find yourself drinking multiple beers at a bar, and hours of dancing later sharing secrets and looking at stars. This life is love.
Day 31 (1/8/16)- Budapest
One word describes this day....hungover.
Day 32(2/8/16)- Budapest
Good night sleep, morning exercise and a good people watching coffee. It's the little things that make life so fantastic.
Day 33 (3/8/16)- Budapest
You set out with a plan in the morning, and when it doesn't work out sometimes the best you can do is sit down on a stoop, cry for 30 seconds and then get up off your ass to plan for tomorrow so it doesn't happen again. 6 am train tickets in my bag and I get to see the rents in 24 hours.
I am ready to be done traveling....solo. For now. I love it. I love making my own decisions and going at my own pace, but...I need someone to split the stress of decisions with. When you travel you make so many. I'm not talking about big decisions like where to go next or where to stay. I'm talking about all the little ass decisions. Like "Should I have another beer?" "Where should I eat for dinner?" "Should I leave 10 minutes early or 15 minutes early?" These constant little choices are so exhausting! You think as a teacher I'd be used to this....
Day 17(18/7/16) - Transfer to Warsaw
You really ease your anxiety as travel goes on. It becomes natural and normal. You just understand what you are doing, and have no need to think things through.
Day 18 (19/7/16)- Warsaw
I can already sense my annoyance with this currency. The largest bill is the equivalent of 25 euros and it seems impossible to break because nothing cost more than 4 Euros.
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I am sitting eating a banana. In a square. In Poland. What. The. Fuck Also, you can't eat anything in squares in Europe, because the pigeons will kill you.
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The world needs to wake up and realise we are repeating past mistakes. We have a Hitler in our midst, but he hates more than Jews. Even as a middle class while American female I do not feel safe. Luckily I sense more resistance this time around.
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I am exhausted. 12 hours on my feet walking this city. All I want to do is drink my beer and sleep. But this man has to keep showing me pictures of these "things" he saw at the Palace. I hate things to begin with. Don't even get me start on PICTURES of things. Especially insignificant ones like some princess' hairbrush.
Day 19 (20/7/16)- Warsaw
I forgot about my hatred for museums just long enough to enter one and instantly regret it.
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People might be right about the novelty of travel wearing off. It's not that I don't appreciate it, I just become accustomed and notice less of the differences. Day 20 (21/7/16)- Warsaw to Wroclaw
Travel has so much to do with the people you meet. They really set the vibes for better or worse.
Day 21 (22/7/16)- Wroclaw
Frustration! I feel like I am at kids camp only in an entire country. Really killing the joy of travel right now.
Day 22 (23/7/16)- Wroclaw
I could give up. I could just be finished and call it quits. This would be the safe route to choose, and maybe I'll still get there. But I can't do that yet. I can't continue to sacrifice parts of my life becuase of my selfishness. At some point I'm going to have to leap.
So I know how I could end up broken with a mind full of regret for trusting this instinct, but that can be dealt with. I'm going to continue to pour all of myself into all of this until I have nothing left to give.
Day 23 (24/7/16) Transfer to Krakow
When you haven't had any time to yourself for awhile and you catch a bus, put on your tunes and instantly feel better about life.
Day 25 (26/7/16) Krakow
I cannot describe how physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting traveling solo is. Today consisted of line after line, crowds, trying to figure out public transit and multiple anxiety attacks. That being said....traveling solo is the most rewarding experience and I am so grateful that I get to live THIS amazing life.
Day 26 (27/7/16) Auschwitz
No words.
Day 27 (28/7/16) Zakopane
" I ain't never been to Vegas, but I've gambled up my life." I consistently feel this way. Each time I have taken a chance to move somewhere new or have some opportunity have been gambles with the highest odds, and the best wins.
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Buses not showing up=tears. I need a day!
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I met a group of guys in the mountains. We compared maps and trail routes, both completely lost. They asked if I was alone and I responded with a yes. They asked if I was scared and mentioned hiking in these mountains was quite dangerous. "Yes!" I wanted to scream, but I replied with a very confident sounding no. I could slip and crack open my skull. I could pass out or get lost and freeze to death. I only slept 4 hours last night, I'm dehydrated , and hungry. Why do I push myself so much? Because there is a joy in reaching those limitations and working your way through and past them.
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I usually only take selfies when I'm hiking or out in nature. Why? Because even though I'm in gross old clothes, sweating with messy unwashed hair and no make-up this is when I truly feel alive, confident, happy, and like the best version of myself.
I'm currently teaching my students a unit about role models, but
before we get to that level we spent the last week looking at the vocabulary
words of believe and value, which are also present in our central idea.
It has taken them
a lot to get from the value of money and the belief that red is the best colour
to "I value my family and friends" and "I believe that if you
wish on a star the wish will come true." We are still working on the belief
of conceptual ideas. I was trying to think of some more examples of ways to
guide them toward this "I believe in god", "I believe that all
people are good" etc. and then I started thinking about what I really
believe in.
I thought about
the years that have past and how my beliefs have changed from when I was their
age, to high school, to college, to leaving America to come and teach abroad.
So many things have changed, from the simplicity of actually studying
political and religious systems, to experiencing different ways of life hands
on. But, there is one thing that stands out the most to me: My belief in soul mates.
It used to be told
that you get one soul mate to love and cherish for your whole life. After
breaking up with my high school boyfriend I decided that "soul mate"
was just simply not something I could believe in. It wasn't that I thought he
was the one soul mate, I just realized that it wasn't fair that if you missed
your chance of finding the one you would miss out on this experience on the
whole. It was too stressful of a belief for me, so I gave it up. The concept of
"soul mates" has changed and transformed for me so much, because I
have met so many.
A soul mate is not
ONE person you love for the rest of your life. A soul mate is simply someone
you share an instantly deep connection with. I'm not talking about love at
first sight or knowing right away, but there are definitely times when you are
hanging out with someone and you see a reflection of yourself in them. You just
click.
When you see that
reflection you realize that it is an intricate part of who you are, and it
makes you want to enhance that part of yourself, so that it can grow and
transform into a larger part. It makes you want to be better than you are. You
want to stay up for another hour just to hear their stories, because something
in their words sparks a passion inside of you.
I don't have one soul
mate, and I don't believe there is one person I am meant to spend the rest of
my life with. My soul mates have come in so many different shapes and sizes and
from all walks of life, and sometimes the people that end up playing this
irreplaceable role in my life greatly surprise me.
So this one goes
out to all of you who took the time to walk around at night and look at stars
with me. Who have watched me cry through the pain. Those of you who know
who and what broke my heart, and what I need to mend it. To those of you who
took the hike and saw the amazing views. To those of you have danced on the
empty floors, and seen my smile as a song I love come on. And most importantly
those of you who have gotten me through the tough-ass life decisions that got
me where I am today. I love you, and am grateful to you for being my soul mates.
