Athens

7/4/17
I helped an old lady cross the street with all her groceries. She wouldn't stop talking to me and I had no clue what she was saying. I really wished I could have understood.
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A man tried to point me in the direction of the acropolis. "Nje (no)...park," I begged of him. I seriously don't belong in the big city. Let's hope couch surfing meet-ups save this.

8/4/17
Wine is an experience like a journey. You need to use all your senses to enjoy it. You look first at it's colour and the way it shines in the light. Next you experience the scent through your nose, enjoying smells of fruits and flowers. Then you sip a small amount and allow the taste to caress your tongue. Next you inhale through your mouth over the top of the wine to see if you tongue can feel it. We should experience all of life this way.

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Spent the last hour comparing women to wine. Completely complicated, sometimes confusing, but totally worth it.
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Tonight over dinner I discussed a famous Greek poem about a journey. I got to the end of the discussion and only then did I realize that I was talking about one of my favourite poems of all time.

9/4/17
I am crazy head-over-heels in love with life, but still something is missing. I nearly had a panic attack on top the acropolis as I realized how close I was to having it. I think about how happy I would be if I had made a different decision. I don't want to be angry at myself.

Excerpts from book "Married to Bhutan" by Linda Leaming, which have something to do with precisely what I am feeling today:

page 140- "I recommend two things for anybody interested in finding out more about what they really are, what they are made of, what they can endure, and how far humor will take them: running away, and hiding out."
page 143- " I think of the choices I've made in my life. For me, there is a big difference between choosing and deciding; choosing means we take the initiative--we learn about options, think of alternatives, and then pick one-- and I prefer it. Deciding means someone has already made the choices for us....It is more passive. These aren't the traditional dictionary definitions of choosing and deciding I'm using, but I make the distinction because in the world, so many things seem to be decided for us. We don't really believe we have much choice. But we do.

If we choose to follow our dreams and desires, then other things, good or bad, fall into place. I discovered this in Bhutan. In its remotest corners, with so many layers stripped away, I find my inside self is the same as my outside self."

10/4/17
People seem to think I'm brave for living this life, and yet everyday I travel I meet people far more fearless than I am. They travel in ways that make my life seem average and normal, and they take chances I would never dream of taking. Like moving to Athen after a 2 week holiday  because you met the man you may love. And they are still married 24 years later. CRAZY!

More excerpts from book "Married to Bhutan" by Linda Leaming that magically have to do with what I'm feeling today:

page 157
"Since we're all trying to be happy, and since I've studied happiness in depth for some time, I feel qualified to make some observations:

There will probably be some physical pain and some form of renunciation on the road to happiness.  No, I'm not advocating masochism, But once you take the road to happiness--the road less traveled, or the open road, or whatever you envision as you route to bliss--you have to be ready to face some discomfort. Ironically, this will make you happier. Try to avoid associating happiness with comfort."

page 179
"Sometimes we have to go the physical distance, to struggle with real mountains, to help bring us further along on our mental or spiritual journey."

15/4/17
I just realized that the sun sets everywhere, and that each place has a different view and a significance of its own. Mind Blown.
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I love you Eastern Europe, but I think I need a break.

Meteora

4/4/17
I am feeling a little bit too happy after my glass of failed greek wine. Smiles and smiles.

epic fail on the cork and glass, but delicious! 

5/4/17
I set off on today's hike a little nervous and feeling underprepared. As soon as I got out of the city I remembered reading about other solo hikers' encounters with viper snakes. Not only had I forgotten what to do if I encountered one, I'd once again forgotten the greek word for "thank you." A necessity on any trip for getting by. I have been amazed what this single word can do for a person.

As I reached a fork in the road with both trails marked "foot-path" I second guessed my usual choice of the more difficult one. But, I pursued it, and stumbled up several large rocks on my journey as I wondered what sound a viper snake made, if it made any at all. This path was clearly not well marked, and many times I made wrong choices only to reach a dead end 3 minutes later, forced to turn around and wander back. Eventually, I began to reach several clearings, one after another, each with a more spectacular view than the previous. After visiting one, quiet and beautiful monastery I continued on the main road, noting the 3 large tour buses and knowing that the next monastery would not be so calm and secluded.  I stopped to take some photos that showed my perpetual happiness at life and to eat my fruit and nut bar.

As I was eating a man came along and introduced himself as John. He told me he was a baker and pointed out the flour on his hiking boots. We talked briefly through his broken English, and he grabbed my map and pointed out a few hiking trails he highly recommended. Then he said he was headed home to sleep, but would like to meet up for coffee that evening at 7pm. Coffee? at 7pm! "I'll probably be in bed," I told him. I was being totally honest when I said this, knowing that I planned to hike all day and had been dealing with a scratchy throat all morning.  However, I figured he had ulterior motives given he could hardly come up with the English word for evening or night or tomorrow.

Nonetheless we exchanged facebook name info so that we could chat later. I spent some more time enjoying the view and I opted to take a different footpath that I had spotted earlier back to the city, rather than the short route on the road. This happened to be a very well marked footpath that led me back to the original fork in the road where I chose the less worn route. I sat down on a rock and found myself wondering why I am such an introvert, closed off to experiences that present themselves to me. Experiences like a coffee with some random Greek dude who hardly speaks English.

I arrived back at the hostel, exhausted, only find the hostel owner (who owns another hostel in another city and basically put me in charge of this one for 2 days) opening the door with bags of groceries in her hand. Her car had broken down and she was waiting for repairs. She fed me cheese sandwiches and marmalade and asked about my hike. I was exhausted, and yet I left again for another hike that was pointed out by John.

On this hike I had a conversation with myself about peoples' perceptions of the world: perceptions are influenced by our senses, and we all sense the world in a different way. Therefore no experience in life can be re-created, or enjoyed the same be 2 people. Every moment is different for each person. I know this isn't a new concept, but suddenly was mind-boggled by it.

After my day of hiking I eventually headed back to the city, ate some lamb kebabs, chugged 6 glasses of water, had a glass of wine and slept clear through until the morning. Content and exhausted by my day in nature and my confusion about myself and who I am.

Totally scared of heights. 

6/4/17
This world is so spectacularly amazing that I will never be able to stop.
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I saw the cutest family today. As they looked out at the monastery the little girl looked up and smiled at her dad. As she did so, he said "That is a spectacular princess castle." I guess...anything to get the kids excited about travel.

7/4/17
Train rides are seldom long enough for all the thoughts I want to have while on them.

Untitled 7

13/1/17
Today on my way home I actually considered the possibility of staying in Tivat. I've thought about it here and there, but today I played out the time in in my head. I planned firstly the money I'd save, then the travel, and lastly the work experience I'd gain. Didn't seem half bad. But the things is, I love the path that isn't well walked. I know that no matter where I go, there will be a lot of people who have been there before me, but for me it will appear as though it has recently snowed. And I won't be able to stop my boots from creating that delightfully crunchy sound as I trod on top of it.

17/1/17
I am not feeling passionate about any of these job opportunities. I'm not feeling passionate about staying here. I'm not feeling passionate about anything. It is starting to wear away at my insides. I had a wonderful health filled week of exercise, good whole food, and full nights of sleep. Then the stress of reports/ job searching hit and I can't screw my head back on.

9/2/17
I know I should write, because silence is dangerous. But at this point I am so simultaneously calm and anxious that I don't even know how to express what I want to tell myself. "It'll work out" seems too simple. "Everything happens for a reason" seems too lame. "Believe in the impossible" leads me down a path of self hatred.  My fantasy and reality blur together, and all I can hope is that once I sign my name to a decision, the sky will clear I will be able to focus on whichever view it is I have chosen. "Chosen" also does not feel like an appropriate word.

16/2/17
I need to sign on a dotted line before I let love take control of my life and guide me to where I'm not certain I should be.

22/2/17
It's peculiar to feel so certain about something, and yet to go the opposite direction.

23/2/17

I guess I'm still working on facing that biggest fear.

1/3/17
As far as I'm concerned, I am not okay with myself right now. Being angry at myself is tough, and I'm trying really hard to not rip-roar madness upon myself. But the only thing left seems to be time alone to reflect on these decisions, leading me to a place of sadness. I am so damn tired of being alone.

2/3/17
I have never been so content and discontent with my life, and so excited yet calm. I am so unprepared yet unnerved. I have never felt so single and yet so committed. My life is a paradox, teetering on a balance beam. If it tips one particular way I'm not sure how I will cope. 

10/3/17
 I don't want to be broken, yet more than that, I don't want to break anything else. Time to let go.

23/3/17
Through toughing out another week at work, combined with full on sickness (karma for saying I'd take a sick day to get some rest) I have to say that I love being an international teacher. Today I listened to two students, with 2 different native languages, read and translate books in French. I had to yell at a student whose native language is Turkish for saying mean words in Russian. Yesterday I watched my students perform a play in Montenegrin. Today a student who is teaching me words in Russian wrote a story in English about my adventure moving to Kazakhstan. In the story I'm actually secretly moving to Hogwarts. I was able to help her with her letter sounds in English because I now know letter sounds in Russian. I know I'm the teacher, but these kids are teaching me so much!

28/3/17
Just because I'm single doesn't mean I don't belong to someone. I am not self-conscious and weak. I belong to myself, and who better to me love me and care for me than me? I've been going at this life with myself for quite some time and I'm doing just fine. Just had to get that out there for all the men who seem to think I "need" them to feel satisfied.

30/3/17
After nearly 9 months travel free (other than a weekend here or there, and a trip home) I'm feeling crazy un-prepared for this trip.

twenty-seven

And just like that I'm 26...
I actually did type that. which tells you especially how I'm feeling about turning 27. Where did 26 go? And did I actually accomplish anything? Oh wait....a whole summer of travel, a lot of growth as a teacher, and learning to love against difficult circumstances. It was quite a damn year.

So what to say about year 26? I grew. So much. In my ability to travel. I did my 6 week summer holiday, and budgeted for the whole thing. I dealt with missed buses, gross hostels, and delayed flights all on my own. I had mental breakdowns in pubic spaces, and hiked, while nearly falling off side of mountains on my own. I expanded my teaching knowledge and am learning to truly teach my students in a real-life, skills based context. I let go of what the world and friends expected me to be doing on my nights and weekends, and accepted my love of solitude. I learned to be flexible in my definition of relationships. I learned to let go of what I thought the perfect trip, weekend, lesson, or relationship was.

I have learned by not always having a plan or expectation and just trusting things, I am more open to the experiences and opportunities that are given to me. And it is those experiences that often guide me in my decision making, and allow me to grow.

If I have to choose a word to represent what year 26 was to me I would choose trust. Not because trusting this year was easy, but because trusting helped me to grow. I have mended something inside myself that I didn't even know was broken, and have grown to love who I am. Anxiety and all.

That being said, I have a lot of goals for year 27.

A quote from my favourite book(read for the 4th time) seems the correct way to end this rant:

"My whole journey in fact...has been coming to these edges, these verges, high places where I am buffeted by winds and dazed by the view, by the risks and possibilities I never imagined could exist in my life, where I am astonished that I could get so high up, how on earth did I get so high up, where a voice whispers JUMP and another cries DON'T. Where I could turn back and walk down to safer ground, or I could throw myself over that edge, into what, what is out there, what is it that I am so afraid of beyond this last safe step where I am now standing? It is only my own life, I realize, that I am afraid of, and at each high point I am given the chance to throw myself over and back into it."- Jamie Zeppa, Beyond the Sky and the Earth

Heeeeeeey 27 Heeeeeey....Teach me more patience, allow me to offer more love, and let me live fully rather than "checking things off my list." Older, and wiser. And becuase I love summarizing my life in music, here is year 26 in a nutshell:

February- I chose a February song for last year, but I'm gonna choose another one.... This describes how I started feeling in February.
"I think I like you a little too much..."

March- Tough to choose for this month. All the songs were sappy....But this one came back in April when I made a very important realization. It's also the song I'm currently trying to learn on guitar. 

"Now I see clearly
It's you I'm looking for 
All of my days
Soon I'll smile
I know I'll feel this loneliness no more
All of my days
For I look around me
And it seems you've found me
And it's coming into sight
As the days keep turning into night"

April- Then this album came out.

May- In May I started dealing with some rough stuff. Confusion about why life would throw me such a curve ball. Once I faced the fact that I could not ignore the emotions I was feeling I realized how lucky I truly am.
"Running is useless and fighting is foolish 
You're not gonna win but still you're the luckiest man you're up against 
And too many horses and mysterious forces 
What you don't know is you are the luckiest man"

June- Long nights of watching the stars, live concerts and prepping for summer trips.

July- More confusion. This song helped subdue 2 panic attacks in Poland.  I definitely let myself lay in the middle of Wroclaw old town with the sun on my face and people walking all around me.
"Farther along we'll know more about it, farther along we'll understand why."

August- Loved playing this on my guitar. It also got me through Trump being elected in November.

September- A really rough month of getting back into work, dealing with a confused heart, and starting to think about where I wanted to go next. This is not my typical music, but this song describe exactly how I felt about this month.

October- Lots of stuff going on in the sky this month.

November- Hauntingly beautiful. I spent most evenings walking along the bay listening to this on repeat.

December- Late nights job searching, and being confused about job offers.
Give me darkness when I'm dreaming, give me moonlight when I'm leaving
Give me mustang horse and muscle, cause I wont be going gentle
Give me slant-eye looks when I'm lying, give me fingers when I'm crying
And I ain't out there to cheat you, see I killed that damn coyote in me…

January- Trump, job rejection, Packers out of the running for the Super Bowl. Rough month.

February- Let it Ride!

Home Sweet Home

17/12/16
Every time I go home it feels less and less like one.

19/12/16
My brain won't turn off. It runs around you constantly. Part of me wants to scream and let it all out, but mostly I'm content to keep you for myself.

24/12/16
I was talking to my mom about how amazing my brothers are to their girls. I'm gonna need one hell of a guy to live up to those expectations. No wonder I'm still single....

4/1/17
I am packing up my bags when it hits me....slowly, but surely. I am so ready to be in my apartment, candles lit, my music on, dancing around my kitchen with a coffee or beer in my hand. America feels less and less like home each day, and I've told people I'm not even sure it will be "home" ever again. When I say I want to be "home" in 3-5 years I mean I want to be settled, in one place. And yet, I let my mind wander to how much I'd love to do life here. Find me a cute house, and a cute live music,beer drinking, outdoorsy man. To be able to go out with my friends on the weekend, see my family on the holidays, and enjoy the simplicity of living in a culture I know and understand. The tears well up ad I think about the confusion of the word "home" and pack away my suitcase that will follow me there. I know what I am returning to the for the very first time. And I cannot wait to get there and be among the discomfort.

5/1/17
I was so confident there would be no pauses at the airport this time around. It took me until actual boarding to consider turning around, but I still considered it.

6/1/17
The landing was pretty scary, and at one point I did think maybe I would die. But what really struck me was how content I am with my life. There is so much I want to do, but I am so happy with what I have done with the time I have been given.

Untitled 6

3/11/16
We have an unspoken language. We both understand the words we refuse to say.

7/11/16
I sit in silence, or the most I can get. The internet is down again due to rain, and none of my devices seem to work to play music. I'm not used to this. I don't often like silence. I look at the pile of dishes, the random items scattered on my floor and wonder why I have spent all day in bed napping when there is so much that needs to be done. But I don't move to clean it, or to finish tackling the massive to do list I began yesterday. I just sit, and take in the sound of the rain pitter-pattering on the window and listen as a car passes. I sip my coffee that has finally been brewed at 6pm and think back to a time in Jakarta when life was not so good and this was everything I once wanted. This ease. Life seems to be in utter chaos right now as I balance work goals, personal goals, and begin to consider what I want next. But taking moments like these make life so much better.

13/11/16

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I think I'd like to spend the rest of my life pouring love into you. 

18/11/16
Sometimes you think you are confused beyond belief, but really, in your heart you know exactly what you want. Sometimes I'm just scared that what I want is out of reach. I have known for 6 months. So I sit down and I take a new approach to achieving this goal. A goal that I'm sure seems silly to some, but means so much to me. No regrets this time. I give it my all.

21/11/16
You asked me if I was scared and I said yes. What I didn't tell you was why. I'm not scared of the first steps, but I'm scared of the decisions that may have to be made if we finally get a chance. I'm worried that I'll say yes, and I end up hating it. I'm worried that if I say no I will spend the rest of my life wondering if it was everything I ever wanted.

27/11/16
Confusion is something I am all too familiar with, but really don't want to deal with for a few years. Too bad it is an essential part of life.

6/12/16
I'm about to turn down a job for the first time ever. And the worst part of it is that it would pay me double what I'm making, pay off my loans in a year, and put me so close. I don't know whether to call this idiotic, smart, pure confusion, or trust. When it's not right it's not right.

15/11/16
Trusting.

Merry Christmas: A Christmas at Home

2016....A year full of madness, pure happiness, and personal growth.

 "There are outlaw maps that lead to outlaw treasure and I love those maps especially. Unwilling to wait for mankind to improve, the outlaw lives as if that day were here. And I love that most of all."

It's silly, but I feel like 2016 is jinxed. In fact as I started applying for jobs in October, part of me hoped I wouldn't be offered anything until the new year, just because my superstitions had kicked in.

Personally, this year has, in a way, been one of the best I have ever had. In other ways it has been completely complicated and horendous.

I started out the New Year in snowy Czech Republic, singing "The Weight" in Czech among random strangers. If that wasn't a signal to what the year would be I don't know what was. Christmas was a fantastic magic wonderland of markets, mulled wine, delicious beer, and cultural exploration with new friends. The theme for the year was quickly decided upon as "Outlaw Maps" as I read "Still Life With Woodpecker" on my trip, and completed a hike on New Years Eve.

After returning to work I began the monotonous lifestyle of coming home and completing online coursework to begin the steps to renew my teaching license.

In late March I took a 2 week trip to Turkey, which exceeded my expectations in so many ways. Turkey is a high priority for the future as there is so much left to explore. It greatly changed my opinion of the "Middle Eastern" part of the world. I'm keen to explore other parts of the Middle East.

I finished out the spring with a few weekends of relaxation on the beaches of Montenegro, and made a quick 5 day weekend trip to Slovenia, which also needs far more attention. The natural beauty of this tiny country is astounding to me.

Summer 2016 brought forth a true dream: 6 full weeks of non-stop travel. The most I had ever travelled prior to this was 3 weeks, and that involved staying at my friends house in between portions. This is no-where near the full 6 month- a year dream I have, but it gave me a true taste for what life on the road was like. Between exploring castles, historical walking tours, couch surfing meet-ups and hikes I found time for simple pleasures such as a good cup of coffee, a good beer, and a few days hanging on the couch of a random hostel.
In summation:
Lithuania: concerts in gardens/ drunken nights/ waffles in the morning
Latvia: solid conversations at the train station, excellent underground pubs
Estonia: street art/ midnight sunsets/ so many tours!
Poland: historical tours/ new friends/ Mountains
Slovakia: I am so fricken tired/ old woman on a speed train
Hungary: no sleep, couchsurfers
Croatia: traveling with parents, I love Montenegro and miss my bed.

I woke up in a complete panic attack my first night back in my bed. After careful contemplation I decided to set some new goals: Mainly, to immerse myself in my school's curriculum in order to grow professionally and to explore the nature around me. I was pretty successful and spent quite a few weekends hiking and/or camping in the nearby mountains. This was all thanks to some new friends I made. How lucky am I ?

I also had the pleasure of attending a professional development seminar in Vienna, which helped me a lot in my ability to implement the school curriculum, and to better assess my students to ensure continued education and personal growth.

I had a short weekend getaway in Belgrade in late October, and began the job search in November. I love living in Tivat and have never been more happy than I am right now. But I also know what is out there career wise, and social life wise. Now that I know who I am, and am happy and content with her, it is time for her to start finding the beat of city life, a job that allows for some more professional development and staff collaboration, and some money to pay off these never-ending student loans.

That being said I don't know where I'll be come July, but for now I'm heading home for my first Christmas in the USA since I left. I'm still feeling a bit nervous about going "home" and having a real home to return to, rather than a home of 2 suitcases and a backpack. I can't wait to partake in my family traditions, get in some good live music, and hug my family and friends.

Here's a little reminder of Christmas from afar:

Thanks to all who have been there to celebrate with me and make me feel loved at the holiday time, and welcome 2017 and the new friends, cities, and experiences you will bring. I am looking so forward to it :)

And since we started the year with a Tom Robbin's quote we shall end there as well: "There is always the same amount of good luck and bad luck in the world. If one person doesn’t get the bad luck, somebody else will have to get it in their place. There’s always the same amount of good and evil, too. We can’t eradicate evil, we can only evict it, force it to move across town. And when evil moves, some good always goes with it. But we can never alter the ratio of good to evil. All we can do is keep things stirred up so neither good nor evil solidifies. That’s when things get scary. Life is like a stew, you have you stir it frequently, or all the scum rise to the top." 

So, Stir it Up!