Where I Belong

It's odd how you can't ever really prepare for a goodbye. You would think I'd be getting this down after all these years of leaving, but it always seems to hit me in different ways.

Albania was mostly excitement and fear. I didn't really have time to deal with the emotions of others. I had no clue what I was getting myself into. I cried when I left, and had a good mental breakdown in Turkey. When I finally arrived at the hotel I just lay awake and cried for hours. Every single day was a struggle until it just wasn't. Honestly, after 9 months I wanted to see everyone, but I had no desire to go home. After 2 weeks in America, I was sick of it.

It was easy to leave for Indonesia. The only real hard part for me was not knowing when I'd see everyone again. I cried a little, but once I was on my way I was perfectly fine. I got there, and loved it instantly. It took awhile for me to realize it wasn't at all what I wanted out of life. I grew bored, and longed for days of exploration and friends with the same views on the world.

After not being home for 2 years, every part of me was aching to see my family and friend again. I thought 4.5 weeks would be far to long. Surprise! It wasn't. I packed my days with all the things I loved about home, and I fell in love with the idea of having a life there. Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe this means that in a few years I'll be ready. My mind was there, but my heart just wasn't.

When I said goodbye this time it was different. It felt wrong. As my niece sobbed when I hugged her I realized how big she was getting. She understood what was happening. It was tough to stomach this. I didn't want to be hurting the people I loved. When I said goodbye to my brother's girlfriend and her kids it was equally difficult. Here was this whole new part of my family I wanted to stick around and get to know. Her daughter even said it wasn't fair she just met me and now I was leaving. My brother took me to the airport and I had a hell of a time dealing with checking in my massive amount of luggage on a machine, while simultaneously trying not to vomit over everything. I said goodbye to Daryn at security and halfway thought the line, thought to myself I could just turn around. I could. It would suck, and be difficult to figure out,  but if I wanted to, I could quit. I held my spot and made it though. Then I found the nearest spot to sit down and bawled my eyes out. I heaved and sobbed, and let the tears run down and soak the front of my shirt. I just lost it, in front of the entire Minneapolis airport. I messaged my mom and my friend and they were both super supportive, but I just did not want to board the plane. 

Lets be real guys I had a rough day. Mostly I just felt like I was going to hurl anytime I moved (due to about 3 too many Surlys, and 2 too many double day trippers, and watching a super cute guy rock out on the mandolin until way too late the night before.) I finally managed to get some fruit down right before my flight from Chicago (which left at 10pm)...thank goodness. Seriously guys...it was a bad one. Next time my going away party needs to be a full day in advance.

The good that came from this was that after I ate dinner on the plane I was actually able to sleep for a full 3-4 hours on and off, which made the flight go super fast. 1 movie with dinner, nap, 30 minutes of reading and one movie with breakfast. My layover in Finland was super fast. Basically I had time to check in with the world, admire the cute men that passed me as I charged my phone for 10 minutes, and time to pee.

I took a brief nap on my 3 hour flight to Croatia and then read/listened to music.

I saw the mountains when we began our decent into Croatia, and I new instantly I was home. For real home. I had some issues with baggage (one got lost) which was annoying, basically because I had no way to contact the driver to make sure he didn't leave without me thinking I was one of those teachers who backed out last minute (which I almost was.) Thank goodness for smartphones: I was able to find the school's information via previous emails. I gave it, and the school phone number, to the lady at the lost baggage desk so that they will be able to ship my last bag when it arrives.

The driver was still patiently waiting and hauled the rest of my luggage to the car. I prepared myself for a drive, but what I got was one incredible feeling after another. I noticed so many little things that made me remember how much I loved my life in the Balkans.

The first was a pig crossing sign. Yep. Then I started to remember this landscape as I noticed the tall pine trees. I forgot how much I loved those. The next sight that made me smile was an old lady walking on the highway carrying what was presumably olive oil, but was more likely homemade rakia (liquor made from grapes.) I remembered all the road trips we took as I noticed the signs that tell you when you are leaving a city rather then letting you know which city you are in. I just couldn't stop smiling. As the diver asked me for my passport to cross the Montenegrin boarder I noticed one of the most beautiful sights in the world: A full moon rose over the mountains and below the city lights twinkled and reflected in the water. At first I wanted to stop and take a picture, and then I realized it was one of those moments I wouldn't be able to capture for anyone else. This one was all mine.

There is something to be said for moments when you feel in your heart that you are right where you are meant to be. Montenegro...prep yourself. I had a small thought of "I should just stay here for a long time." 

I Say Goodbye As It Fades Away

When I left to teach abroad I thought I would be returning two years later. Therefore I had saved what I presumed to be a few small boxes of things for my return. Stuff that you just don't want to reinvest in because, well, money adds up.

Unfortunately what I actually saved was way more than I thought. 25 boxes in total. Full of "stuff" I thought I'd want. It was my major goal to get rid of most of them while I was home. There is no need for my parents to hold on to this junk for the next 5-10 years. I can buy new junk when I come home.

So one day I started to hoard through the piles in the crowded basement storage area, determined to whittle it down to a small box or two. Thinking it would be an easy task I grabbed a beer, set up my computer with music and began to open box after box wondering why I decided to keep clothes, and shoes, and towels, and pots and pans, and lamps, and dvd players. Which each box I opened I giggled more and more at my stupidity. Then as I opened the box containing my grandmas old olive dishes, and noticed my prom dress I had once intended to use for my wedding, I began to I break completely down.

Was this really the life I once wanted? Had I wanted to live a domesticated life with rows of photo albums and piles of books on display? Did I once think I needed 3 pairs of high heels, and fancy decorations to cover my walls? I save every note and every doll from childhood. I saved lists, and writings about my hopes and dream. Why do I live in the past?

I cry and cry and think to myself I cannot do this. I cannot fit my life into 2 suitcases and 2 backpacks. It simply isn't possible. I message my friend just to remind myself that there are people in the world who do far more difficult. There are people who do this with just a backpack, and no boxes in their parents basement. But I let the tears fall, because other than a brief 1 minute-cry post 4 beers, while texting my ex at the airport leaving Indonesia,  I have felt nothing for so long.

The song "Find it" by Family of the Year comes on. A song that so graciously shakes my core from the inside out.

"I say goodbye as it fades away
Out past those trees I'm gonna find my way
Please don't be scared for me
I'm big and I'm strong
You had to know that I would leave all along"

I toss out thing after precious thing, until I have only a few boxes of items to save and a few to still go through. Goodbye life I thought I wanted. I'm gonna leave you behind for better days and better ways. At least for the next few years.

Fears and Excitment

I am laying in bed listening to the drones of traffic outside, and wondering how I am going to sleep in in 2 months when the sounds are completely different. I am scared. I am freaking out inside.

With every move I have made so far I felt fear, but not this numbingly painful sort.  I am scared shitless of moving to Tivat, and can't tell anyone. Maybe because for the first time I have a slight idea of what to expect. I know what will be easy and what will be hard. I won't be able to find the comforts of home. No matter how hard I search there will not be salt and vinegar potato chips. There will be no DQ birthday cakes, or to-go coffees. 

Shopping will seem impossible again. I won't be able to head to the mall to visit various shops, some of which have American sizes. Maybe this is why I have stock piled far too many clothes. 

There won't be hundreds of medical centers to choose from. So if any of my "conditions" that I may or may not have worsen, I have no idea what I'll do. 

If I need a new hiking backpack there won't be camping shops to provide such a thing, and good luck finding new running socks.

There won't be expat bars and neighborhoods, and there won't be dozens of international schools, filled with other expats in the same situation.

If the power goes out, it goes out and I use candles. If the water isn't heated I take a cold shower. If the internet connection at home isn't working chances are the internet on my phone won't work either.

I am freaking out inside because I can't get up the courage to teach myself Montenegrin. Or to research any potential trips. Or ask questions about my job. Or be realistic that I don't need to take so much crap with me. 

I am scared to go somewhere I've been before, because for the first time I know the challenges that face me, and I've changed. Again, I've changed into an urban girl who enjoys her comforts and technology. For a little while I was going to become her permanently. 

I have to remind myself that I don't know it. It has been two years, and I'm sure it's not completely the same. I still have shops to explore, and culture to learn. I have streets to walk and coffees to drink. I have students to learn and new friends to share stories with and love.

And all these things that scare me are why I loved Albania. The simplicity of life. I made use of what I had and was given and If I needed something I found a way. I was forced out of my comfort zone everyday and I learned to live as best I could.

Once again I'm looking at my life and finding it incredible how where you are an who you spend time with can change and effect you so easily. Choose wisely my friends.

So because I'm trying to be a more happy and optimistic person I made a list of things I'm excited for:
cold weather
fall colors
Boots and sweaters
being able to watch packer games again
New friends
New and cheaper beer!
Wine
Teaching grade 3/4

nearby national parks
Living ( for real) by the sea
Living ( for real) by the mountains
Quiet nights
Delicious seafood
bakeries
Living alone
My porch! Which I intend to have plants on. So....
Plants

Falling in Love with a whole new chapter of life. 

The Balkans!!! 

Okay I feel better now. Time for bed. 

Hey Montenegro....guess what...I think I'm going to fall head over heels in love with you!

About Me

Hello There! If you are reading this page it either means you are my friend/family, or you are planning on visiting or moving to Montenegro. I would say congrats if either one of those is true.

So a little bit about me: I’m a teacher, who decided she was crazy in love with the world and wanted to see it all. Now if you know anything about teaching in America you will know that it doesn’t pay well, and if you know anything about America you will know that a higher education costs a TON of money. So when I graduated with my Bachelors of Elementary education and then put a year of grad school on top of it, I came out with about 60 grand of debt and this massive desire to do SOMETHING with my life. So how to make it all work?

Move abroad.

 It is much cheaper to travel around Asia when you live in Asia and it is much quicker to get to Germany if you are living in Europe.

So I took my highly introverted, afraid of change self, and made a decision to just do it. I began to apply to jobs all over and was lucky enough to land a first grade teaching job in Albania. Now this wasn’t at all where I planned on starting out, but I decided to go for it. The plan was to spend 2 fantastic years there, traveling all over Europe, and then head home.

The world had a far different plan for me. I had no idea how huge this world was. I met a fantastic group of friends and co-workers there and between their stories, and the amazing, but small amount of travel I managed to fit in I decided that 2 years wouldn’t be enough.

After a year in Tirana, I moved to Jakarta Indonesia for 2 years where I continued to teach first grade and grow as both a teacher and traveller. After 2 years I was ready for a change but didn’t really know where I wanted to go. Part of me wanted to stay in Asia and continue to have crazy beach adventures and visit a vast amount of temples, but really after about 6 months in Jakarta I was already feeling the pull back to the Balkans.

Initially, I applied everywhere, and lucky for me one of the jobs I felt torn to was in Montenegro. With a little stroke of luck, I got a job teaching 3^rd/4^th grade at an international school in Tivat.

So this blog will be dedicated to my life around the Balkans. I plan to go everywhere and try everything, but as I know from past experience plans seldom work. So please enjoy reading about my adventures, trials, and life in Montenegro.