Musings from Poland

Day 17(18/7/16) - Transfer to Warsaw
You really ease your anxiety as travel goes on. It becomes natural and normal. You just understand what you are doing, and have no need to think things through.

Day 18 (19/7/16)- Warsaw
I can already sense my annoyance with this currency. The largest bill is the equivalent of 25 euros and it seems impossible to break because nothing cost more than 4 Euros.
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I am sitting eating a banana. In a square. In Poland. What. The. Fuck Also, you can't eat anything in squares in Europe, because the pigeons will kill you.
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The world needs to wake up and realise we are repeating past mistakes. We have a Hitler in our midst, but he hates more than Jews. Even as a middle class while American female I do not feel safe. Luckily I sense more resistance this time around.

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I am exhausted. 12 hours on my feet walking this city. All I want to do is drink my beer and sleep. But this man has to keep showing me pictures of these "things" he saw at the Palace. I hate things to begin with. Don't even get me start on PICTURES of things. Especially insignificant ones like some princess' hairbrush.

Day 19 (20/7/16)- Warsaw
I forgot about my hatred for museums just long enough to enter one and instantly regret it.
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People might be right about the novelty of travel wearing off. It's not that I don't appreciate it, I just become accustomed and notice less of the differences.

Day 20 (21/7/16)- Warsaw to Wroclaw
Travel has so much to do with the people you meet. They really set the vibes for better or worse.

Day 21 (22/7/16)- Wroclaw
Frustration! I feel like I am at kids camp only in an entire country. Really killing the joy of travel right now.

Day 22 (23/7/16)- Wroclaw
I could give up. I could just be finished and call it quits. This would be the safe route to choose, and maybe I'll still get there. But I can't do that yet. I can't continue to sacrifice parts of my life becuase of my selfishness. At some point I'm going to have to leap.

So I know how I could end up broken with a mind full of regret for trusting this instinct, but that can be dealt with. I'm going to continue to pour all of myself into all of this until I have nothing left to give.

Day 23 (24/7/16) Transfer to Krakow
When you haven't had any time to yourself for awhile and you catch a bus, put on your tunes and instantly feel better about life.

Day 25 (26/7/16) Krakow
I cannot describe how physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting traveling solo is. Today consisted of line after line, crowds, trying to figure out public transit and multiple anxiety attacks. That being said....traveling solo is the most rewarding experience and I am so grateful that I get to live THIS amazing life.

Day 26 (27/7/16) Auschwitz
No words.

Day 27 (28/7/16) Zakopane
" I ain't never been to Vegas, but I've gambled up my life." I consistently feel this way. Each time I have taken a chance to move somewhere new or have some opportunity have been gambles with the highest odds, and the best wins.
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Buses not showing up=tears. I need a day!
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I met a group of guys in the mountains. We compared maps and trail routes, both completely lost. They asked if I was alone and I responded with a yes. They asked if I was scared and mentioned hiking in these mountains was quite dangerous. "Yes!" I wanted to scream, but I replied with a very confident sounding no. I could slip and crack open my skull. I could pass out or get lost and freeze to death.  I only slept 4 hours last night, I'm dehydrated , and hungry. Why do I push myself so much? Because there is a joy in reaching those limitations and working your way through and past them.

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I usually only take selfies when I'm hiking or out in nature. Why? Because even though I'm in gross old clothes, sweating with messy unwashed hair and no make-up this is when I truly feel alive, confident, happy, and like the best version of myself.

"Soul Mates"

I'm currently teaching my students a unit about role models, but before we get to that level we spent the last week looking at the vocabulary words of believe and value, which are also present in our central idea.

It has taken them a lot to get from the value of money and the belief that red is the best colour to "I value my family and friends" and "I believe that if you wish on a star the wish will come true." We are still working on the belief of conceptual ideas. I was trying to think of some more examples of ways to guide them toward this "I believe in god", "I believe that all people are good" etc. and then I started thinking about what I really believe in.

I thought about the years that have past and how my beliefs have changed from when I was their age, to high school, to college, to leaving America to come and teach abroad.  So many things have changed, from the simplicity of actually studying political and religious systems, to experiencing different ways of life hands on. But, there is one thing that stands out the most to me: My belief in soul mates.

It used to be told that you get one soul mate to love and cherish for your whole life. After breaking up with my high school boyfriend I decided that "soul mate" was just simply not something I could believe in. It wasn't that I thought he was the one soul mate, I just realized that it wasn't fair that if you missed your chance of finding the one you would miss out on this experience on the whole. It was too stressful of a belief for me, so I gave it up. The concept of "soul mates" has changed and transformed for me so much, because I have met so many.

A soul mate is not ONE person you love for the rest of your life. A soul mate is simply someone you share an instantly deep connection with. I'm not talking about love at first sight or knowing right away, but there are definitely times when you are hanging out with someone and you see a reflection of yourself in them. You just click.

When you see that reflection you realize that it is an intricate part of who you are, and it makes you want to enhance that part of yourself, so that it can grow and transform into a larger part. It makes you want to be better than you are. You want to stay up for another hour just to hear their stories, because something in their words sparks a passion inside of you. 

I don't have one soul mate, and I don't believe there is one person I am meant to spend the rest of my life with. My soul mates have come in so many different shapes and sizes and from all walks of life, and sometimes the people that end up playing this irreplaceable role in my life greatly surprise me. 

So this one goes out to all of you who took the time to walk around at night and look at stars with me. Who have watched me cry through the pain. Those of you who know who and what broke my heart, and what I need to mend it. To those of you who took the hike and saw the amazing views. To those of you have danced on the empty floors, and seen my smile as a song I love come on. And most importantly those of you who have gotten me through the tough-ass life decisions that got me where I am today. I love you, and am grateful to you for being my soul mates. 

Musings from Estonia

Day 9 (10/7/16) Tartu-
I feel like I'm a way different person than I was at Christmas when I traveled alone. Maybe I'm not as excited? Maybe there is too much to look forward to? Maybe I planned too much "chill" time? Who knows what has changed, but it just feels damn different.

Day 10 (11/7/16) Tartu-
I feel as if timing on this trip is not working out in my favour at all. I feel slightly ill, and I just want to be home and in my bed.
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I can't believe that I am 1/4 done with this trip. I feel like I have done so little, but grown so much. I haven't jam packed it full. I've allowed room to breathe and just be. I'm not sure whether I like it this way or not.
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When you are having trouble planning a portion of your trip and keep hitting dead ends...then, magically, it all works out exactly how it should and you get crazy happy and have to do a little dance in the middle of your hostel :)

Day 11(12/7/16) Tartu to Sareemaa-
I think I have earned the right to brag. Maybe I'm narcissistic, but I am living the ABSOLUTE coolest life. This road. This journey. It's mine for the keeping. I haven't changed, really. I've just evolved. Left behind some bad parts of me and gained some certainties about who I am.

Day 12(13/7/16) Sareemaa-
I makes me really sad to know that so many people/cultures have been suppressed in this world. It is so sad that people cannot just be what and who they want to be knowing they are accepted, loved, and safe.

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Its seems all the places I'm never quite ready to leave are the ones you can just wander and not talk to a single soul. That being said, I have been incredibly exhausted this trip. Am I getting too old for this?
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Someday humans are going to evolve into 2 species. Those who settle down and have children early on, and those who wander until they are in their mid-30s.... or late 40's. Really still hoping I can have it all.
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I love touching the ocean, because it travels everywhere.

Day 13 (14/7/16) Sareemaa to Tallinn
Today is one of those travel days that I love, full of a little bit of everything. I woke up at 5am to catch a 4 hour bus. Made it to Tallin, wandered the city and dropped my bag off at the hostel. Had a cup of coffee while people watching, and grabbed some quick to-go lunch. Then I joined a free walking tour and got ridiculed by one guy for only knowing English, at which point I blew him away with my knowledge about the history of the Baltics. I checked into my hostel, booked a tour for the following day, and left to visit another historic site. Considered catching the bus and then opted to walk an hour instead. Explored an amazing place and took the scenic route home along the seaside and stopped to reflect on life. Now I'm on my way to pick up some groceries and cook up some veggies for dinner, all before watching a concert at my hostel, where I will likely meet some new friends and drink some beers. Perfection!

Day 14 (15/7/16) Tallinn
It is always hard when important events are happening back home. I need a distraction.

Day 15 (16/7/16) Tallinn
Everything is beautiful. You just have to look at it with the correct set of eyes.

Day 16 (17/7/16) Tallinn
Once in a lifetime opportunities cannot be passed up.
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Just like that the fairytale is over. It is becoming easier to let go each time one ends. Soon I won't even notice.
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The Baltics was not what I expected. I'm not saying that in a good or in a bad way. It just wasn't what I thought it'd be. This is why I should travel with no expectations. The things I thought would be amazing leave me feeling empty and the things I thought nothing of surprise me and take my breath away.
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In this moment watching the sunset at 12:15am with a random stranger whose name I don't even know, I am content. This is what life is about.

4 years later...

Tomorrow marks the start of my 5th year living and teaching abroad. My what a journey it has been....

From the 23 year old who didn't know how to check herself in at the airport or whether there would be anyone/ anything waiting for me on the other side of my flight, to the 27 year old solo traveling and driving around the mountains of Montenegro.

It has been a true pleasure to have my parents visit me in a place that I can so easily consider home in my head, and feel home in my soul. While I have been consistently messaging and skyping with my friends about this difficult transition from travel to real life and work I cant help but notice that my mindset is not about how much I miss home, or all the things I hate, but merely about the transitioning of my life goals and noticing that while I love it here, Tivat can't offer me the ability to pursue ALL my dreams at once.

Tivat, has been a key in my transition from thinking I knew what I wanted out of life, to knowing that I don't know what I want out of life, and that I will never be done with the journey to discover the answers.

One of my favourite parts of my 6 week trip was the moment in our apartment in Zagreb when the words "IF you come home..." came out of my mother's mouth. Not because I'm not coming home, but because it showed me that she gets it. She sees the happiness and contentedness within me.

Last thanksgiving I informed my family that I would be returning permanently home by Thanksgiving of 2019. My how the tables have turned in 6 short months. I'm not saying that I won't be home by Thanksgiving 2019. Instead I am choosing to trust the journey. Since moving to Tivat I have made countless plans for my future, and I can happily state that I can count the number of ones that worked out on one hand.

As I worked on my presentation for parent night at work today, I thought about what I have managed to do in these 4 years of teaching and traveling abroad. The initial idea that came to mind was to describe myself as a risk taker, but I don't think that term embodies what I am trying to accomplish.

I am a Fear- Breaker. This is what this 4 years has been about and what the rest of my life will be about. I have anxiety.  Rather than being diagnosed and put on medication, I am learning to deal with it in on my own terms. From the simplicity of forcing myself to look down just 10 seconds longer while standing on a mountain cliff, to driving a car for the first time in 4 years while swerving through mountain ranges in a foreign country with crazy ass drivers. From the initial "hello" to a complete stranger, to imagining myself spending the rest of my life as a single spinster.

Here's to the next year, or 20...of finding all these fears and breaking them until I am truly everything that I want to be and more.

Musings from Latvia

Day 6 (7/7/16)- Riga
6 weeks of travel is far different than 3. I can't prepare for it all. I need to buy some warmer clothes, carry them for 2 weeks, and then drop them.
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All these random people with all these experiences. The beauty of it makes me want to cry. How did I get lucky enough to live THIS life?

Day 7 (8/7/16)- Kemeri National Park
I am so incredibly exhausted. I missed my train to the national park (because I chose to drink instead of doing research.) It would have been really easy to check the schedule one of the countless times I used the train station toilet last night.
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I need nature and exercise as much as most people need food.

Day 8 (9/7/16)- Sigulda 
I am feeling rejuvenated after my day outdoors and my incredible 8 hours of sleep. Ready to go again!
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I am sitting on this train eyes closed feeling the heat of the sun and the coolness of the breeze as I pass little cities. It's one of those "I'm where I belong" moments.

I hope that when I get to the end of my life I can honestly have no regrets. I hope I can say I took changes, fought for what I believed in and became who I was meant to be. (Listening to Emmylou Harris songs in the basement of a bar in Riga.)

Musings from Lithuania (and Belgrade)

Day 1- Belgrade (2/7/16)
I am still trying to decide if I am a big city girl who loves the country or a country girl who loves the big city. There is something about the energy I get from each one.

Day 2- Belgrade to Vilnius (3/7/16)
The city noise is too much. I can't sleep.
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Between getting up early, dealing with potential scams, delayed and cancelled flights, rainy/cold weather, and my pack being the absolute last on the belt causing me to almost miss my bus, I've had it It was one of those days. And then you arrive at your destination, look around and think about how much worse it could be. I didn't lose my passport, nothing was stolen from me. Life is alright. it was just one of THOSE days. And as I listen to the men play Spanish guitar in the airport or see the square of the city center I know it is true. I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. The rain seems to be the perfect setting for this part of Europe. I'll take it. I'll take it all.

Day 3- Vilnius (4/7/16)
I have grown more in the last 3 days of this trip than in the whole time of others. Tonight I sat and worried. At the same point I noticed my anxiety hasn't been as anxious as normal.
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Throughout the entire Damien Rice show I felt like I was re-living brief memories of grief and anger. I wouldn't say it was painful. It was more a reminder of how far I have come since all the past heartache. Then he played Amie and the words "just another soldier on the road to nowhere" emanated into the depths of my bones. It hit me that I was in Lithuania seeing one of my favourite artist. What is life?
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After realising I was absolutely missing the bus I decided to save it for a later problem. Post concert in a maze of people, speaking Lithuanian I grew confused and I was surprised at my ability to play it cool and ask a random stranger to help. On the taxi drive back to the city he told me he thought I was brave and he shared his travel dreams. I told him he should do it, and that courage is built only by taking little steps forward. I wish and hope he makes his dream come true.

Day 4- Vilnius (5/7/16)
I love meeting random strangers, I do. But sometimes I just wish I could be traveling with people I knew and could trust 100%.
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I am not 20 and can not longer play circle of death like I am.

Day 5- Vilnius (6/7/16)
Headache and a day in bed. No more drinking.
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The start of the Baltic line. One of the reasons I am so fascinated with this part of the world. Ready for the next country :)
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What people sometimes fail to tell you is that travel is absolutely exhausting and there are some days when you just want to rest in your bed. And what I fail to realize is that it is absolutely okay to do that.

Untitled #4

6/4/16
This week has been insanely stressful(This is a Wednesday, by the way...) Between all the additional work at work, the general "getting back into life" as far as cleaning and cooking and taking care of myself goes, and then the cherry on top: the emotional trauma? (confusion? mess? certainty? agh!!!)  I have chose to put myself through. Tomorrow I swear to god....I will go to the beach and watch the sunset and do NOTHING while I am there other than reflect on my life.

10/4/16
All I'm asking is to feel this happiness for the rest of my life. I know I will always have easy and hard days, but my heart feels like its been beating in a different way recently. I woke up with a migraine this morning, but instead of laying in bed like I wanted to do I jumped out and seized the day for all it was worth. Forced a workout, some coffee and water, and the migraine passed. The morning had me appreciating simple things, such as the buds on the lime tree, my first sip of coffee, my ability to turn on my tunes and dance while I clean,  sending singing snapchats to good friends, noticing the wild mushrooms in the garden.  This is all there is. This life we've been given. So now I sit back on my balcony with my second cup of coffee to look at planning my next long weekend trip, or to edit photos, or to blog. Life is so great :)

15/4/16
There is something I love about these undeniable feelings I am having about the certainty of the future. The jokes have become to realistic for me to humor myself with. I have tried to being angry at myself/ the world for putting me this far away from what I want (yet again) but I'm so ineffably happy that I can't be mad.

19/4/16

As I sat on the dock tonight listening to my music thinking about future trips I want to take, etc, I began to feel insanely trapped and incredibly angry at myself for getting in this situation yet again. So I set the phone down for awhile and just listened to the earth around me. I had forgotten what the point of these sunsets was.  I can’t  be angry at myself for feeling things that are sometimes too big to handle, because that is life, and I am so lucky to have things in this world that make me want to be better. Things that make me not want to stand still. Things that make me constantly ponder about and appreciate where and who I am. 

22/4/16
Have I been here before? This is familiar, and yet so much different than anything I have ever experienced and what I thought it would be. Now nothing else will do....

24/4/16
Today I am feeling sad and lonely. Although I've had many opportunities to get out of the house and meet up with people ect, I just don't want to. I want to be inside with my music and my computer, and a few beers. I don't know what is going on with me, but I don't like it one bit.

4/5/16
I refuse to recognize this feeling even though it is staring me straight in the face. I am stagnant.

5/5/16
Vitamin D deficiency. All is well that ends well. Took the iPod and left the world behind for a bit.

10/5/16
Things I have managed to do tonight: Freak out about finance, freak out about my future, and subdue myself without alcohol. Being a grownup success!

18/5/16
And just like that my summer travels are booked. I am so excited to do 6 weeks of semi-planning, semi- go-with-the-flow travel. Cannot wait to see what the world has in store for me!

20/5/16
Sometimes I get very worried about all these long distance relationships I'm juggling. I worry I'm not doing my part to maintain them. I'm missing Skype dates, and important life events.  I fear that by the time I get home I will have nothing left to ground me. Nothing left to keep me there, in one solid place. Home seems further and further away everyday. The concept of "home" has become massively confusing.

16/6/16

I am so tired of trying to hide my flaws from the world, off attempting to meet the expectations of others. I will be proud of my scars, proud of my worn out clothes, and happy about my beer belly. These are the things that make me who I am.

17/6/16
It has been a very long week. I feel like I'm stuck, and not growing in any portion of my life. Between the students losing all motivation to learn, not being able to work out, not sleeping because I'm not working out, and having uncontrollable hormonal issues I just need to be on vacation. 1 week until Wilco, 15 days until I fly out of here and I'm incredibly in need!

19/6/16
I'm sitting here reading ex-pats blogs knowing that in 6 months I'm going to have to decide where I want to go next and if I want to leave. All I seem to be able to see at this given moment is me, 1.5 years from now, heartbroken and sobbing on the floor of an apartment, feeling trapped in a country I hate. My biggest fear is clearly that I will repeat past mistakes. This is the worst possible situation, and unlikely, but I really want to do everything in my power to not end up there again.

26/6/16

It was one of those weekends where you are completely dumbfounded by your life. Reality felt more like a dream and I constantly wondered if my heart would ever allow me back in the real world after all these experiences. 

28/6/16
I'm in the process of listening to songs I previously fell in love with. For me this is one of the most amazing life experiences. Some are happy releases at realizing I was exactly where and who I was meant to be while I danced ins solitude in my kitchen, or in a crowd at a lives show. Some of them are painful. I'm pretty sure the concert I attend next week will be one of the more painful experiences of my life, but I am so excited to feel all those songs in a totally random setting. Moments like this. Add it to the list of things I live for. 

29/6/16
Today I realized that this is the first time I have friends leaving while I stay. I'm not quite sure I'm ready for these goodbyes. 

1/2/16
And just like that the time has come for me to carry my 10 kilos pack through 7 countries. Here I come world :)