Hiraeth

As I skyped with my mom on Friday, prior to leaving for Albania, I told her I was nervous it would make me long for the life, and friends  I had there. I was terrified  it would be unrecognizable. In many ways it reached those expectations. But I also took her advice and used it as a chance to reflect on, and be grateful, to the city and people who shaped a good portion of who I am.

My 2 days in Tirana were just what they should have been. A Saturday stroll, a failed attempt at a night out, a Sunday drinking bender, and a Monday morning reflection.

As we hit the southern part of Montenegro I started to translate words, and I have no doubt that the crew I was with was so tired of hearing me point out buildings, or words, or random cultural things I had forgotten about. From hanging stuffed animals to ward of evil spirits, to New York license plates.

We passed my old school, now painted a creepy shade of yellow, a college, and seriously unrecognizable. I kept questioning myself. "That's my old school...wait...not it's not, huh? Oh yes, that was it because this is where I nearly died everyday on my way there."

Home

Then as we cruised down Rruga Durresit I started to see some places I knew. The place with the best chocolate croissants, late night pizza, the first place I had a doner with Scott. It was like a flood as I tried to work out what had changed and what remained. I really struggled with the insane number of fancy to-go coffee places, as Tirana already had too many cafes. The first fancy one had just opened before I left and was now a chain of at least 15 with 2 other competing companies.

Typical Breakfast with Scott before explorations

Once we got into the city and dealt with out random hostel issues (I stayed at the one where my friend used to work, oddly enough) we went to Stephen Center for a meal and I indulged in a Dr. Pepper. Same menu, same market view, same delicious food. Next up was a walk. We began with the Pyramid, now striped bare of it's colour and far more ugly than it used to be. Then I took the crew down the shopping road, remembering my exchange place, my grocery shop, my favourite gelato man, and the constant admiration I had for the wedding dress shops that line the area with the world's worst poof.

As we turned down my alley, Jen commented on how nice the cafe on the corner (where my dumpster used to stand tall) looked. I pointed out my stairs and the gang decided that I lived in the ghetto, which is hilarious, because that is still my favourite apartment I've ever had. We walked out into the front and enjoyed a coffee at my little cafe/tea place.

That night eating Mexican I noted how much the city had even changed in the year I was there. It was a top speed transition year. Mexican food, Chinese, burgers, brunch places, different beers, malls, all built up from nothing.

Old Duff Bar

The next day, after a coffee and a shopping run to search for pants that fit and to stock up on Chimay to take back to Montenegro, we headed for some brunch and met some teachers from an IB school. As we sat and talked we ordered drink after drink, and I reminisced about how typical it was for a Sunday in Albania. We left one bar and headed to the next, Duff (which has a new location) that I had discovered with the boys a few short weeks before I left. I entered and immediately spotted the packer helmet that originally drew us into the place. I had my usual flavoured mojito and beer. The final stop for the evening was Brauhaus for a Red ale. This place was insanely empty in comparison to it's usual evening hubbub.

New Duff Bar

I was surprised as we walked home and found street after street shut off. After asking the police officer he told us it was a weekly bike celebration. It included live music, which was, of course, blaring loudly over the call to prayer. 

The next morning I woke up and after my friend cancelled our coffee date for personal reasons I opted to head out for a walk in my old neighborhood. I began at the thrift store on Zogu I Zi, where I did most of my shopping, followed by a quick walk past the Umbrellas (now umbrellaless) where I did my happy hour drinking and quofte eating. I checked for the little old lady with red hair, but didn't see her. 

Then a quick turn down the alley that became our true stomping grounds. I walked past the petulla place and contemplated stopping, but I knew 8am was too late for the good warm petulla.

Then onto New Grocery store, booming with customers, past dusty bin lady, and watermelon lady (no longer there) on to downstairs dude, and the entrance to the apartments. Then eventually I had to do a double take, because I just couldn't find the Art Studio anywhere. Turns out it's gone. A former art gallery made into tailor shop.

At this point I began to feel it. The way life transitions and evolves. I walked past Jimmy's, now expanded, with more chairs and tables. Memories just kept flooding my mind. Like the time we watched the football match on the large screen at the bar on the corner, or taking pictures in front of Villa 31 my last night there. As I reached the place, our place, and saw what it had become I thought how perfect of a symbol it was for what my life became when I left.

Once a tree with a hole, but with importance and meaning, I moved on to Indonesia and became a worthless square of trash. And this is the point where I really had to hold my shit together, because I really do wonder who I would be if I had stayed.

I don't regret leaving. Moving to Indonesia had a major role in my life, and I needed that, to get where I am now. And where I am is so happy and amazing.

Tirana was meant to be my home for a few years, but it became so much more than a "home".  I found myself while wandering the streets, dancing in the alleys, day drinking at the bars, eating the street food. I found myself in the way I was thrown drastically into situations that made me uncomfortable and forced me to see that the world was so much more than I had experienced. Tirana is where my story began and where my dreams started to grow into something larger than life.

So I said goodbye for a second time. This time a little easier because I am learning to trust the world, and the opportunities it gives me.  I never intended to return, but I am so glad I had this chance.

rooftop drinks

Musings from Slovenia

28/4/16 (Bled) 
This place reminds me of the train from Berlin to Munich, and that feeling I got when I just wanted to get out and explore. It also feels slightly like being up north along the lakes back home. Pretty sure I could just stay here forever, and hike everyday. Although right now I lost my phone, have a migraine from not eating anything healthy, and just want my bed.

29/4/16 (Bled)
I spent the morning wandering around the Lake, and realizing how much I rely on my phone on a consistent basis. For a little while I considered just not purchasing a new one. What a release that would be. But then I started thinking about how it connects me to the people I love, and it's usefulness. Especially when traveling. I rely on it so much for maps, passwords, alarms, tracking my spending ect. But I am glad for the opportunity to reflect on this portion of my life. I'm going to start setting aside more technology free hours in my life. Sans phone, sans music, sans computer.
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I've always had my own goals and dreams. There have been times when they have seemed less important and have begun to merge with someone else. This is different.

It is strange when your dreams used to be so solid and fixed and suddenly they become so fluid and moveable. The only part of my dreams that matters now is who they are with.

30/4/16 (Bled)
Every time I take trips like this I leave a little piece of my heart in these places. It is so easy to fall in love with a place when you are there for such a short period of time. Hiking in Bled made me realize I seriously need to risk myself a little bit more in Montenegro. Splurge on a car some weekends and just find places nearby to explore and hike.
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(Ljubljana)
These are the moments I live for. This pure culture. Hiking up a hill to feast on cevapi while listening to some speeches by the Mayor which I will never understand. Grabbing a beer to stand by a fire in the middle of the woods. Dancing to a local band singing in a slavic language, only able to understand the lyrics because of the body language.

31/4 (Ljublijana)
I'll say it again: Nothing I love more than sitting in a city center, people watching while I sip a beer or coffee.
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There are so many interesting cultures to study, and not all of them are obvious and in your face. You may have to dig deeper to see the beauty of it.

1/5 (Ljubljana)
Some days, travel can just seem daunting and difficult. But then you finally get to where you are going and it all becomes worthwhile.

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Sitting in a bar drinking an unfiltered IPA and Inn Town by Ryan Adams comes on. These moments take me home even when I am so far away from there.

Knowing

I have had to do a lot of life reflection in the last few years, as I have been hopping around from one country to the next ,about the things I want out of my life. There have come many important decisions. Though some may seem small, sometimes they can make a huge deal!

So, tonight I found out that one of my favorite musicians ever is playing a show in a part of the world I will be in, at the time I will be there. Not the exact city I had planned to be in on that particular date, but just like 4 big cities away. So, of course I dropped everything and started to re-plan my summer. I looked at my finances and was seriously wondering if I could afford to do this AND make my usual triple loan payment for the next two months. Then I got to the point where I just told my brain hole to SHUT UP. The thing that has always gotten me through these tough decisions is opportunities. I follow the good ones and turn down the negative ones. So I booked the damn ticket. And I even let myself spend 5 extra Euros to be 20 rows closer to the stage.

Then I got to talking to my friend about our possible meet up this summer. I am dying (most literally!) to see him. When we discovered that it might not work my initial reaction was "The world is working against us!" but I was surprised with myself and joke reaction. Usually if something like this would have happened in the past, I would have felt extremely sad This time however, I just sort of brushed it off. I'm learning that when things are meant to happen you just know they will work out.

I'm not saying I believe in fate, per se, or a higher power guiding us along our decision making path. But in previous experiences when I make something out to more than it is, it generally isn't that big of a deal. In the long run, I've been ridiculously happy with how my life has turned out.

This feeling wasn't a "everything works out how it is supposed to" feeling. It was more of a "If I want it enough, and continue to pursue it, then it will work out." Something in me knows that this can work.

Yesterday night I laid awake in bed wondering what the next year or so of my life would be like. Basically I reflected on the complications to come next fall as I begin looking at jobs. My phone rang, and as I answered I heard my friend's sweet voice on the other end. It was our first voice to voice conversation (other than singing competitions) since December. There was something in that voice. It got me from wanting and wondering to knowing.

It doesn't matter how complicated I make my life, or what hurdles I have to jump over. The height of the mountain, the size of the ocean, or the length of the valley. I will climb it. I will swim it. I will hike it. Or should I say we?

Musings from Turkey

19/3/16
It has been a long time since I have been properly stared at. It feels weird to be back in a place where I can't blend in. Also, I forgot about my general hatred for airports.

20/3/16
It is amazing how far back this history goes. When I think about the history I have explored in other countries I am amazed at the depth I've been able to dive into in some of them, versus the mere surface I can cover in others. Turkey's is overwhelming. It's making me want to do a full on Middle East Trip.

21/3/16
I take the money I make and use it to buy expereinces. This is one. I am so grateful for every experience i have been able to have.
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All I need right now is a 12 hour bus ride to think. This is bad.
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Some people change your life with simple acknowledgment of their existence. You look at them, see them, and they cause you to appreciate something or work toward something. I wonder if anyone ever sees me in the way. I will make it my new life goal.

23/3/16
I have this inexhaustible desire to spill my deepest darkest secrets to someone. And as always I'm wondering how I can want something I've never had.

24/3/16
I love the looks I get when I go walking somewhere most foreign people don't go. I love leaving civilization behind and the mixed feeling of relief and anger when I have to reconnect with it.
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A year ago, among all the turmoil I never would have thought I'd be here. I long for a decision free life, but know, that everyday I make countless decisions that effect my life. My mind will continue turning.

27/3/16
It is always amazing to walk along in the past life of a place. I can't wrap my head around the history of this place. It goes too far back. How did these things get buried and then found again? And what is left to discover?

Today I visited the burial place of John the baptist, and realized how much christianity is based here in this "muslim country." And what is so incredible is that they have embraced it. Yes they have build mosques nearby, but they have preserved this history and culture rather than destroying it.

I don't know that I can't think of a single Christian who would consider coming here to explore the history of Christianity and it's overlap with Islam. It makes me sad that people can be so judgemental of places without researching them.

28/3/16
You lit a fire. For awhile it burned me, and engulfed me in a suffocating way. But I have emerged from the flames with a fire deep within me. I hope it never leaves because it has made me a stronger, happier person.
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Turkey has surprised me in so many ways. Mostly in good ways. Today our guide described it as a mosaic, and it really is the perfect description. So many worlds meet here, and so much history is engraved in its walls and nature. A plethora of religion, traditions, flavours, styles and cultures. Mountains meet sea and grassland, and dessert. The climate is different one city to the east or west. You can freeze one day and sweat the next. You can hike, lay at a beach, explore ancient worlds, and historical religion.

The kindness and openness of the people has struck me too. At first I was nervous to say I was from America, but with blonde hair and blue eyes and my undeniable accent they would figure it out anyway. People have been so hospitable, helpful, and generous. Turkey will be going back on the list of places to visit. Then again, not many places don't make that list.

Musings from Istanbul

March29th 2016 (Day 1 in Istanbul)
I was wondering why this trip hadn't involved any anxiety attacks. Then we hit the city and I felt like I was back in Jakarta. Complete claustrophobia set in, and I pretty much immediately needed my music to help myself chill out.

This is life. You can't win at everything. This song came on(not my usual type of music) and was perfect for the city and describing what I felt at this moment. I'm in one of those places where I feel like I just have to tread to keep my mind about the water.

As I look at the people around me on the bus I wonder if the six degrees of separation is true. Do I have common connections to these random people?

March 30th 2016
In travels I have found that my favourite parts aren't the tours of beautiful sights or the extreme adventuring. The best days are the ones spent in parks or cafes, people watching and seeing the locals interact. This is the way you really get a taste for a culture.

The tree!

April 1st 2016
I am ashamed of the fear I felt today as I passed 3 armed men and realized that meant I was in a dangerous part of Istanbul.
In reality I instantly thought to myself "I should be staying in this part of the city. I should be facing this fear."
I think that is a sign that, overall I'm growing. As I take a minute to reflect on life I realize that  I'm putting myself in situations that stretch my mind and challenge my physical capabilities. I'm improving my ability to budget and do without "things." And, everyday, I learn a little bit more about who I am and what I want out of life.

April 2nd 2016
More Tom Robbins Love! It's as if this man is my soul mate and understands me so deeply:

"You see, at this juncture in my life I wasn't evolved enough to understand the fluid nature of romantic love (its indifference to human craving for permanence and certainty ); its uncivilized undomesticated nature (less like a pretty melody than a foxish barking at the moon), or, more importantly perhaps, that it's a privilege to love someone, to truly love them; and while it's paradisiacal if she or he loves you back, it's unfair to demand or expect reciprocity. We should consider ourselves lucky, honored, blessed that we possess the capacity to feel tenderness of such magnitude and be grateful even when that love is not returned. Love is the only game in which we win even when we lose." - Tom Robbins, Tibetan Peach Pie

Love is fluid and changing. It is hard to accept the difficult portions of it. This quote makes me recognize yet another reason to live in the present moment. My love for people, and cities, and music, and experiences cannot be the same tomorrow as it is today. That is incredible.
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It sucks when things don't work out the way you want them to, but I am beginning to realize that things always seem to work out in the end. Not always the way you expected, or with the best end results, but they always work out in some way.

When life hands you sad news and you keep smiling through it....that is when you know you have been given something truly incredible. Something worth holding onto.
I was told to guard my heart, but when has "playing it safe" ever gotten anyone anywhere worth going?
I crave unexplored territory: the widest rivers, the highest mountains, and the deepest seas. The wide open countryside, and the teeniest corners of cities.
I crave passion that keeps me striving, joy that distinguishes disappointment, and love worth working for.

Another tree :)

April 3rd 2016
Its great when you return home feeling satisfied with what you could do with the time given to you. Ready to go home to my guitar, some fresh air, laundry, my french press, home cooking, sunsets, and possibly even a bit of ridiculous dancing as I listen to happy corny love songs. Yes, yes and yes!

Untitled #3

10/1/16
I wish any human being could truly see me in this state. Perpetual happiness and sadness in one. Crying tears through smiles as I strum my guitar wondering if life could get any better.

11/1/16
Getting back into real life is always complicated. A lot of twisting and turning. Sometimes I feel like my emotions are being wrung out like a wet towel that is being rained on. They just seem to be incomprehensible, and pointless, and yet of dire importance.

14/1/16
I am struggling. Trying to plan this next vacation and I'm freaking and wondering if for the first time diving into that fear is not going to end well or be the best choice for my nerves. I hate being a girl. Also I'm having irrational fear of doctors again....

19/1/16
I'm struggling to get back into real life. And by that I mean that I seem to be watching countless hours of TV. No way Tiara. Get your ass out of bed, pick up a book, or your guitar. Write with purpose and find the meaning of life. Go for a walk. Learn something. Experience.

31/1/16
Sometimes I miss the way things were, but you can never go back. Every portion of life is constantly moving and changing. Just gotta roll with the transitions and appreciate how things have turned out.

8/2/16
I sort of can't wait for the next Superbowl at home. The Pack weren't even in it this year, but this feels American, and something about that makes me miss home.

21/2/16
It was one of those all too good days when you just don't understand why you'd ever want to return to America. Day drinking is dangerous....

23/2/16
This smile and joy, on a what should be a terrible gloomy no good very bad day, means that I should get out. Seriously Tiara. Get out. Now. Ah....Fuck it all.

27/2/16
Turmoil, doubt, and confusion. Not about life. Life is good. Happiness abounds and I can't seems to find any shred of sadness in me. But what I really don't need is a reason to potentially dive into complete oblivion. Because we all know how that would end. With a crushing pain.

28/2/16
I love living in a foreign country for the following reasons. 1) you have to flirt using only your eyes and smile. 2) eventually a local band will play a song in the local language and you will somehow understand the entire point of the song. "ne znam" I don't know. I also had one of those "Wow" moments tonight. In Albania I remember sitting outside and hearing the call to prayer one evening while sipping a beer and smoking a cigar, gazing a bird documentary outside in the main street. Tonight I walked along the bay after dinner and a movie with friends, followed by a concert at our favourite pub. One single church bell rang to sound that it was 1am. I looked up at the cloudy sky and had to just take a moment to sit at the park bench and ponder at how incredible life is.

10/3/16
This version of homesickness is confusing the hell out of me. I cannot put my finger on what I actually want. I just imagined myself walking down the aisle of the grocery store in Marshfield and I actually WANTED to be there. I mean...for a split second. Then I was done with it. But what the hell kind of emotional dilemma is my body trying to put me through? Also...a shamrock shake. I'm dying for a shamrock shake. And fleet farm licorice. Come to think of it. Just give me all the damn food. Cheese curds, brats, smoked gouda, mac n'cheese....alright. I'm seeing a pattern. Does Turkey have good cheese? And.....biscuits and gravy. I'm gonna gain like 10 pounds when I get back from this trip.

12/3/16
I had a kind of amazing thought yesterday morning. If a person gives their love away freely and without any expectations in return, then they can't get hurt. So this is how I'm going to try to love from now on. Expecting nothing in return.

16/3/16
It has been a loooooooong week. But I got home tonight and was offered homemade grappa from my landlord and graciously received 3 different shots as I sat in the sunshine of his balcony catching up on life and talking about the culture of the Balkans. He promised to drop off additional flavors and some domestic red wine, and to pump up my bike tires for me. As I left, he ensured me the nice weather was here to stay. I came downstairs and completed half my workout (remember those shots) and then proceeded to email my director about taking a personal hour (instead of day) to head to Ljubljana on our upcoming long weekend. As I prepared my dinner and thought about my impending to-do list before the sooner trip, this song came on. It seems to me that songs that are supposed to be about falling in love with a woman or boy are typically actually about falling in love with cities I've never been to. Turkey I've been thinking about you...and some other things too.

Closed Hand Full of Friends

Turn on the song I fell in love with today and then read on:

For awhile I expected it. I waited patiently for that moment to come and grasp my heart and pull me slowly under until I couldn't breathe anymore. I waited when I first arrived. I waited after returning from my first trip. I waited until Christmas. Nothing swallowed me whole. A few tears here and there, and then smiles and happiness.

I arrived home from Christmas and was sure this was going to be the end. Never had I ever gone so long without experiencing the longing, the desire, and the mess of confusion in my head.

Today it happened, finally.

Nothing special about this day in particular, but as I dealt with small scoops of  problems,  topped by teeny tasks,  the final cherry of hormones was dropped on top of this ice cream sundae of a day, and I reached a breaking point.

Emotions have descriptions. They have sentences attached to them. When someone asks what is wrong you can explain what you are feeling, and your face shows it.

This emotion doesn't have a single synonym. Nor an antonym that fits appropriately. So when I start feeling it, and can't really explain it, I do exactly what you aren't supposed to. I hide inside it. I don't talk about it, or fight it. I delve into it until I reach my breaking point.

And today I needed to, and I did, break. After sobbing for about 2 hours in between intervals of burpees, push up jacks, power squats and high jumps, I finally managed to stop the tears and thoughtfully reflect on the uncertainty of this emotion.

Homesickness. It is never the same, it is never what I expect, but I certainly should know how to deal with it by now. So I pause to write in my notebook:

"I am sitting on my bedroom floor mid workout sobbing for no reason. I cannot put a explanation to this emotion and it is scary. To top it off I just ran out of tissues and it's pouring rain outside. I will NOT be this girl. Not again. Pull yourself together. For the first time of life in Montenegro I just need something more than it is offering me. I feel friendless in a world full of friends. I want to tell someone what I'm actually feeling, but I can't admit it because I'm too scared shitless of ending up back where I was. I am freaking out because I know I can never be the perfect woman I want to be. I wear a constant reminder that I am perfectly imperfect. So why do those imperfections hurt so much? Why can't I just be happy with and embrace them?"

After I write, I sit and focus on my breathing and calm myself.  I turned off my screen, and sat down with my lonely planet book to research my upcoming trip. I pumped the happy tunes and thought about my gratitude for moments like this.  I was feeling a little to comfortable and convinced I would never want to leave.