Musings from Estonia

Day 9 (10/7/16) Tartu-
I feel like I'm a way different person than I was at Christmas when I traveled alone. Maybe I'm not as excited? Maybe there is too much to look forward to? Maybe I planned too much "chill" time? Who knows what has changed, but it just feels damn different.

Day 10 (11/7/16) Tartu-
I feel as if timing on this trip is not working out in my favour at all. I feel slightly ill, and I just want to be home and in my bed.
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I can't believe that I am 1/4 done with this trip. I feel like I have done so little, but grown so much. I haven't jam packed it full. I've allowed room to breathe and just be. I'm not sure whether I like it this way or not.
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When you are having trouble planning a portion of your trip and keep hitting dead ends...then, magically, it all works out exactly how it should and you get crazy happy and have to do a little dance in the middle of your hostel :)

Day 11(12/7/16) Tartu to Sareemaa-
I think I have earned the right to brag. Maybe I'm narcissistic, but I am living the ABSOLUTE coolest life. This road. This journey. It's mine for the keeping. I haven't changed, really. I've just evolved. Left behind some bad parts of me and gained some certainties about who I am.

Day 12(13/7/16) Sareemaa-
I makes me really sad to know that so many people/cultures have been suppressed in this world. It is so sad that people cannot just be what and who they want to be knowing they are accepted, loved, and safe.

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Its seems all the places I'm never quite ready to leave are the ones you can just wander and not talk to a single soul. That being said, I have been incredibly exhausted this trip. Am I getting too old for this?
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Someday humans are going to evolve into 2 species. Those who settle down and have children early on, and those who wander until they are in their mid-30s.... or late 40's. Really still hoping I can have it all.
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I love touching the ocean, because it travels everywhere.

Day 13 (14/7/16) Sareemaa to Tallinn
Today is one of those travel days that I love, full of a little bit of everything. I woke up at 5am to catch a 4 hour bus. Made it to Tallin, wandered the city and dropped my bag off at the hostel. Had a cup of coffee while people watching, and grabbed some quick to-go lunch. Then I joined a free walking tour and got ridiculed by one guy for only knowing English, at which point I blew him away with my knowledge about the history of the Baltics. I checked into my hostel, booked a tour for the following day, and left to visit another historic site. Considered catching the bus and then opted to walk an hour instead. Explored an amazing place and took the scenic route home along the seaside and stopped to reflect on life. Now I'm on my way to pick up some groceries and cook up some veggies for dinner, all before watching a concert at my hostel, where I will likely meet some new friends and drink some beers. Perfection!

Day 14 (15/7/16) Tallinn
It is always hard when important events are happening back home. I need a distraction.

Day 15 (16/7/16) Tallinn
Everything is beautiful. You just have to look at it with the correct set of eyes.

Day 16 (17/7/16) Tallinn
Once in a lifetime opportunities cannot be passed up.
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Just like that the fairytale is over. It is becoming easier to let go each time one ends. Soon I won't even notice.
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The Baltics was not what I expected. I'm not saying that in a good or in a bad way. It just wasn't what I thought it'd be. This is why I should travel with no expectations. The things I thought would be amazing leave me feeling empty and the things I thought nothing of surprise me and take my breath away.
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In this moment watching the sunset at 12:15am with a random stranger whose name I don't even know, I am content. This is what life is about.

4 years later...

Tomorrow marks the start of my 5th year living and teaching abroad. My what a journey it has been....

From the 23 year old who didn't know how to check herself in at the airport or whether there would be anyone/ anything waiting for me on the other side of my flight, to the 27 year old solo traveling and driving around the mountains of Montenegro.

It has been a true pleasure to have my parents visit me in a place that I can so easily consider home in my head, and feel home in my soul. While I have been consistently messaging and skyping with my friends about this difficult transition from travel to real life and work I cant help but notice that my mindset is not about how much I miss home, or all the things I hate, but merely about the transitioning of my life goals and noticing that while I love it here, Tivat can't offer me the ability to pursue ALL my dreams at once.

Tivat, has been a key in my transition from thinking I knew what I wanted out of life, to knowing that I don't know what I want out of life, and that I will never be done with the journey to discover the answers.

One of my favourite parts of my 6 week trip was the moment in our apartment in Zagreb when the words "IF you come home..." came out of my mother's mouth. Not because I'm not coming home, but because it showed me that she gets it. She sees the happiness and contentedness within me.

Last thanksgiving I informed my family that I would be returning permanently home by Thanksgiving of 2019. My how the tables have turned in 6 short months. I'm not saying that I won't be home by Thanksgiving 2019. Instead I am choosing to trust the journey. Since moving to Tivat I have made countless plans for my future, and I can happily state that I can count the number of ones that worked out on one hand.

As I worked on my presentation for parent night at work today, I thought about what I have managed to do in these 4 years of teaching and traveling abroad. The initial idea that came to mind was to describe myself as a risk taker, but I don't think that term embodies what I am trying to accomplish.

I am a Fear- Breaker. This is what this 4 years has been about and what the rest of my life will be about. I have anxiety.  Rather than being diagnosed and put on medication, I am learning to deal with it in on my own terms. From the simplicity of forcing myself to look down just 10 seconds longer while standing on a mountain cliff, to driving a car for the first time in 4 years while swerving through mountain ranges in a foreign country with crazy ass drivers. From the initial "hello" to a complete stranger, to imagining myself spending the rest of my life as a single spinster.

Here's to the next year, or 20...of finding all these fears and breaking them until I am truly everything that I want to be and more.

Musings from Latvia

Day 6 (7/7/16)- Riga
6 weeks of travel is far different than 3. I can't prepare for it all. I need to buy some warmer clothes, carry them for 2 weeks, and then drop them.
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All these random people with all these experiences. The beauty of it makes me want to cry. How did I get lucky enough to live THIS life?

Day 7 (8/7/16)- Kemeri National Park
I am so incredibly exhausted. I missed my train to the national park (because I chose to drink instead of doing research.) It would have been really easy to check the schedule one of the countless times I used the train station toilet last night.
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I need nature and exercise as much as most people need food.

Day 8 (9/7/16)- Sigulda 
I am feeling rejuvenated after my day outdoors and my incredible 8 hours of sleep. Ready to go again!
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I am sitting on this train eyes closed feeling the heat of the sun and the coolness of the breeze as I pass little cities. It's one of those "I'm where I belong" moments.

I hope that when I get to the end of my life I can honestly have no regrets. I hope I can say I took changes, fought for what I believed in and became who I was meant to be. (Listening to Emmylou Harris songs in the basement of a bar in Riga.)

Musings from Lithuania (and Belgrade)

Day 1- Belgrade (2/7/16)
I am still trying to decide if I am a big city girl who loves the country or a country girl who loves the big city. There is something about the energy I get from each one.

Day 2- Belgrade to Vilnius (3/7/16)
The city noise is too much. I can't sleep.
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Between getting up early, dealing with potential scams, delayed and cancelled flights, rainy/cold weather, and my pack being the absolute last on the belt causing me to almost miss my bus, I've had it It was one of those days. And then you arrive at your destination, look around and think about how much worse it could be. I didn't lose my passport, nothing was stolen from me. Life is alright. it was just one of THOSE days. And as I listen to the men play Spanish guitar in the airport or see the square of the city center I know it is true. I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. The rain seems to be the perfect setting for this part of Europe. I'll take it. I'll take it all.

Day 3- Vilnius (4/7/16)
I have grown more in the last 3 days of this trip than in the whole time of others. Tonight I sat and worried. At the same point I noticed my anxiety hasn't been as anxious as normal.
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Throughout the entire Damien Rice show I felt like I was re-living brief memories of grief and anger. I wouldn't say it was painful. It was more a reminder of how far I have come since all the past heartache. Then he played Amie and the words "just another soldier on the road to nowhere" emanated into the depths of my bones. It hit me that I was in Lithuania seeing one of my favourite artist. What is life?
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After realising I was absolutely missing the bus I decided to save it for a later problem. Post concert in a maze of people, speaking Lithuanian I grew confused and I was surprised at my ability to play it cool and ask a random stranger to help. On the taxi drive back to the city he told me he thought I was brave and he shared his travel dreams. I told him he should do it, and that courage is built only by taking little steps forward. I wish and hope he makes his dream come true.

Day 4- Vilnius (5/7/16)
I love meeting random strangers, I do. But sometimes I just wish I could be traveling with people I knew and could trust 100%.
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I am not 20 and can not longer play circle of death like I am.

Day 5- Vilnius (6/7/16)
Headache and a day in bed. No more drinking.
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The start of the Baltic line. One of the reasons I am so fascinated with this part of the world. Ready for the next country :)
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What people sometimes fail to tell you is that travel is absolutely exhausting and there are some days when you just want to rest in your bed. And what I fail to realize is that it is absolutely okay to do that.

Untitled #4

6/4/16
This week has been insanely stressful(This is a Wednesday, by the way...) Between all the additional work at work, the general "getting back into life" as far as cleaning and cooking and taking care of myself goes, and then the cherry on top: the emotional trauma? (confusion? mess? certainty? agh!!!)  I have chose to put myself through. Tomorrow I swear to god....I will go to the beach and watch the sunset and do NOTHING while I am there other than reflect on my life.

10/4/16
All I'm asking is to feel this happiness for the rest of my life. I know I will always have easy and hard days, but my heart feels like its been beating in a different way recently. I woke up with a migraine this morning, but instead of laying in bed like I wanted to do I jumped out and seized the day for all it was worth. Forced a workout, some coffee and water, and the migraine passed. The morning had me appreciating simple things, such as the buds on the lime tree, my first sip of coffee, my ability to turn on my tunes and dance while I clean,  sending singing snapchats to good friends, noticing the wild mushrooms in the garden.  This is all there is. This life we've been given. So now I sit back on my balcony with my second cup of coffee to look at planning my next long weekend trip, or to edit photos, or to blog. Life is so great :)

15/4/16
There is something I love about these undeniable feelings I am having about the certainty of the future. The jokes have become to realistic for me to humor myself with. I have tried to being angry at myself/ the world for putting me this far away from what I want (yet again) but I'm so ineffably happy that I can't be mad.

19/4/16

As I sat on the dock tonight listening to my music thinking about future trips I want to take, etc, I began to feel insanely trapped and incredibly angry at myself for getting in this situation yet again. So I set the phone down for awhile and just listened to the earth around me. I had forgotten what the point of these sunsets was.  I can’t  be angry at myself for feeling things that are sometimes too big to handle, because that is life, and I am so lucky to have things in this world that make me want to be better. Things that make me not want to stand still. Things that make me constantly ponder about and appreciate where and who I am. 

22/4/16
Have I been here before? This is familiar, and yet so much different than anything I have ever experienced and what I thought it would be. Now nothing else will do....

24/4/16
Today I am feeling sad and lonely. Although I've had many opportunities to get out of the house and meet up with people ect, I just don't want to. I want to be inside with my music and my computer, and a few beers. I don't know what is going on with me, but I don't like it one bit.

4/5/16
I refuse to recognize this feeling even though it is staring me straight in the face. I am stagnant.

5/5/16
Vitamin D deficiency. All is well that ends well. Took the iPod and left the world behind for a bit.

10/5/16
Things I have managed to do tonight: Freak out about finance, freak out about my future, and subdue myself without alcohol. Being a grownup success!

18/5/16
And just like that my summer travels are booked. I am so excited to do 6 weeks of semi-planning, semi- go-with-the-flow travel. Cannot wait to see what the world has in store for me!

20/5/16
Sometimes I get very worried about all these long distance relationships I'm juggling. I worry I'm not doing my part to maintain them. I'm missing Skype dates, and important life events.  I fear that by the time I get home I will have nothing left to ground me. Nothing left to keep me there, in one solid place. Home seems further and further away everyday. The concept of "home" has become massively confusing.

16/6/16

I am so tired of trying to hide my flaws from the world, off attempting to meet the expectations of others. I will be proud of my scars, proud of my worn out clothes, and happy about my beer belly. These are the things that make me who I am.

17/6/16
It has been a very long week. I feel like I'm stuck, and not growing in any portion of my life. Between the students losing all motivation to learn, not being able to work out, not sleeping because I'm not working out, and having uncontrollable hormonal issues I just need to be on vacation. 1 week until Wilco, 15 days until I fly out of here and I'm incredibly in need!

19/6/16
I'm sitting here reading ex-pats blogs knowing that in 6 months I'm going to have to decide where I want to go next and if I want to leave. All I seem to be able to see at this given moment is me, 1.5 years from now, heartbroken and sobbing on the floor of an apartment, feeling trapped in a country I hate. My biggest fear is clearly that I will repeat past mistakes. This is the worst possible situation, and unlikely, but I really want to do everything in my power to not end up there again.

26/6/16

It was one of those weekends where you are completely dumbfounded by your life. Reality felt more like a dream and I constantly wondered if my heart would ever allow me back in the real world after all these experiences. 

28/6/16
I'm in the process of listening to songs I previously fell in love with. For me this is one of the most amazing life experiences. Some are happy releases at realizing I was exactly where and who I was meant to be while I danced ins solitude in my kitchen, or in a crowd at a lives show. Some of them are painful. I'm pretty sure the concert I attend next week will be one of the more painful experiences of my life, but I am so excited to feel all those songs in a totally random setting. Moments like this. Add it to the list of things I live for. 

29/6/16
Today I realized that this is the first time I have friends leaving while I stay. I'm not quite sure I'm ready for these goodbyes. 

1/2/16
And just like that the time has come for me to carry my 10 kilos pack through 7 countries. Here I come world :)

Hiraeth

As I skyped with my mom on Friday, prior to leaving for Albania, I told her I was nervous it would make me long for the life, and friends  I had there. I was terrified  it would be unrecognizable. In many ways it reached those expectations. But I also took her advice and used it as a chance to reflect on, and be grateful, to the city and people who shaped a good portion of who I am.

My 2 days in Tirana were just what they should have been. A Saturday stroll, a failed attempt at a night out, a Sunday drinking bender, and a Monday morning reflection.

As we hit the southern part of Montenegro I started to translate words, and I have no doubt that the crew I was with was so tired of hearing me point out buildings, or words, or random cultural things I had forgotten about. From hanging stuffed animals to ward of evil spirits, to New York license plates.

We passed my old school, now painted a creepy shade of yellow, a college, and seriously unrecognizable. I kept questioning myself. "That's my old school...wait...not it's not, huh? Oh yes, that was it because this is where I nearly died everyday on my way there."

Home

Then as we cruised down Rruga Durresit I started to see some places I knew. The place with the best chocolate croissants, late night pizza, the first place I had a doner with Scott. It was like a flood as I tried to work out what had changed and what remained. I really struggled with the insane number of fancy to-go coffee places, as Tirana already had too many cafes. The first fancy one had just opened before I left and was now a chain of at least 15 with 2 other competing companies.

Typical Breakfast with Scott before explorations

Once we got into the city and dealt with out random hostel issues (I stayed at the one where my friend used to work, oddly enough) we went to Stephen Center for a meal and I indulged in a Dr. Pepper. Same menu, same market view, same delicious food. Next up was a walk. We began with the Pyramid, now striped bare of it's colour and far more ugly than it used to be. Then I took the crew down the shopping road, remembering my exchange place, my grocery shop, my favourite gelato man, and the constant admiration I had for the wedding dress shops that line the area with the world's worst poof.

As we turned down my alley, Jen commented on how nice the cafe on the corner (where my dumpster used to stand tall) looked. I pointed out my stairs and the gang decided that I lived in the ghetto, which is hilarious, because that is still my favourite apartment I've ever had. We walked out into the front and enjoyed a coffee at my little cafe/tea place.

That night eating Mexican I noted how much the city had even changed in the year I was there. It was a top speed transition year. Mexican food, Chinese, burgers, brunch places, different beers, malls, all built up from nothing.

Old Duff Bar

The next day, after a coffee and a shopping run to search for pants that fit and to stock up on Chimay to take back to Montenegro, we headed for some brunch and met some teachers from an IB school. As we sat and talked we ordered drink after drink, and I reminisced about how typical it was for a Sunday in Albania. We left one bar and headed to the next, Duff (which has a new location) that I had discovered with the boys a few short weeks before I left. I entered and immediately spotted the packer helmet that originally drew us into the place. I had my usual flavoured mojito and beer. The final stop for the evening was Brauhaus for a Red ale. This place was insanely empty in comparison to it's usual evening hubbub.

New Duff Bar

I was surprised as we walked home and found street after street shut off. After asking the police officer he told us it was a weekly bike celebration. It included live music, which was, of course, blaring loudly over the call to prayer. 

The next morning I woke up and after my friend cancelled our coffee date for personal reasons I opted to head out for a walk in my old neighborhood. I began at the thrift store on Zogu I Zi, where I did most of my shopping, followed by a quick walk past the Umbrellas (now umbrellaless) where I did my happy hour drinking and quofte eating. I checked for the little old lady with red hair, but didn't see her. 

Then a quick turn down the alley that became our true stomping grounds. I walked past the petulla place and contemplated stopping, but I knew 8am was too late for the good warm petulla.

Then onto New Grocery store, booming with customers, past dusty bin lady, and watermelon lady (no longer there) on to downstairs dude, and the entrance to the apartments. Then eventually I had to do a double take, because I just couldn't find the Art Studio anywhere. Turns out it's gone. A former art gallery made into tailor shop.

At this point I began to feel it. The way life transitions and evolves. I walked past Jimmy's, now expanded, with more chairs and tables. Memories just kept flooding my mind. Like the time we watched the football match on the large screen at the bar on the corner, or taking pictures in front of Villa 31 my last night there. As I reached the place, our place, and saw what it had become I thought how perfect of a symbol it was for what my life became when I left.

Once a tree with a hole, but with importance and meaning, I moved on to Indonesia and became a worthless square of trash. And this is the point where I really had to hold my shit together, because I really do wonder who I would be if I had stayed.

I don't regret leaving. Moving to Indonesia had a major role in my life, and I needed that, to get where I am now. And where I am is so happy and amazing.

Tirana was meant to be my home for a few years, but it became so much more than a "home".  I found myself while wandering the streets, dancing in the alleys, day drinking at the bars, eating the street food. I found myself in the way I was thrown drastically into situations that made me uncomfortable and forced me to see that the world was so much more than I had experienced. Tirana is where my story began and where my dreams started to grow into something larger than life.

So I said goodbye for a second time. This time a little easier because I am learning to trust the world, and the opportunities it gives me.  I never intended to return, but I am so glad I had this chance.

rooftop drinks

Musings from Slovenia

28/4/16 (Bled) 
This place reminds me of the train from Berlin to Munich, and that feeling I got when I just wanted to get out and explore. It also feels slightly like being up north along the lakes back home. Pretty sure I could just stay here forever, and hike everyday. Although right now I lost my phone, have a migraine from not eating anything healthy, and just want my bed.

29/4/16 (Bled)
I spent the morning wandering around the Lake, and realizing how much I rely on my phone on a consistent basis. For a little while I considered just not purchasing a new one. What a release that would be. But then I started thinking about how it connects me to the people I love, and it's usefulness. Especially when traveling. I rely on it so much for maps, passwords, alarms, tracking my spending ect. But I am glad for the opportunity to reflect on this portion of my life. I'm going to start setting aside more technology free hours in my life. Sans phone, sans music, sans computer.
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I've always had my own goals and dreams. There have been times when they have seemed less important and have begun to merge with someone else. This is different.

It is strange when your dreams used to be so solid and fixed and suddenly they become so fluid and moveable. The only part of my dreams that matters now is who they are with.

30/4/16 (Bled)
Every time I take trips like this I leave a little piece of my heart in these places. It is so easy to fall in love with a place when you are there for such a short period of time. Hiking in Bled made me realize I seriously need to risk myself a little bit more in Montenegro. Splurge on a car some weekends and just find places nearby to explore and hike.
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(Ljubljana)
These are the moments I live for. This pure culture. Hiking up a hill to feast on cevapi while listening to some speeches by the Mayor which I will never understand. Grabbing a beer to stand by a fire in the middle of the woods. Dancing to a local band singing in a slavic language, only able to understand the lyrics because of the body language.

31/4 (Ljublijana)
I'll say it again: Nothing I love more than sitting in a city center, people watching while I sip a beer or coffee.
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There are so many interesting cultures to study, and not all of them are obvious and in your face. You may have to dig deeper to see the beauty of it.

1/5 (Ljubljana)
Some days, travel can just seem daunting and difficult. But then you finally get to where you are going and it all becomes worthwhile.

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Sitting in a bar drinking an unfiltered IPA and Inn Town by Ryan Adams comes on. These moments take me home even when I am so far away from there.